I am about to make an unheard of mom confession. It may be too much for some of you and others will relate. Few will openly admit to agreeing but it is something that I must say or it might destroy me from the inside-out. I, Rachel Moffa, hate playdates. Don't tell the good moms and don't dash to my house to save my kids from my anti-socializing ways. I will occasionally do the whole playdate thing, but inside, I am praying that everyone makes it out alive, including me. I think that my hatred for playdates sprouted when I had two toddlers less than a year apart and then, just when I was beginning to get the hang of it, I had Garrett and he sealed the deal for me. He has never been what most would call socially appropriate. He can play side by side with most kids some of the time, but engaging and showing typical behaviors are rare. When he was younger, the whole speech delay made it difficult and, as he has grown, the behaviors like hand-flapping and struggling with eye contact cause a chasm that we can't always cross. It makes for a less than enjoyable playdate when you are refereeing meltdowns and trying to desperately control your child's mayhem. Neither of us can engage, we are just trying to make it out alive. I would like to say that this doesn't bother me but I am too honest for that. Being the mom of an autistic child is lonely at times. I have spent many hours watching others stare at my child as I try to help him figure out a chaotic moment or vocalize what he needs to say but can't. I find myself often pulling away from relationships. I tend to gravitate toward what is safe and to people who know us well enough to not be alarmed by our craziness. Sometimes this is because my son needs me and so I can't chat about the weather and the best parenting books. Sometimes, this is because it is hard to watch mine struggle where others seem to easily succeed. I would rather not set myself up in a comparison trap where we will surely loose. I would like to write this post from a place of healing, but, in reality, as I write this, I am tearing up at how very real it feels in this moment. Am I alone? No, we have an amazing support system of family and close friends, but there are many times that I still feel isolated and set apart by my circumstances.
I think that we all have moments when we feel alone, but I also think that being alone and being abandoned are two very different things. I don't enjoy solitude and, yet, I find myself desperate for understanding in a world that can't fully understand. I am essentially alone. No one else is me or lives everyday in my shoes. Where do I find the answer? Well, I remind myself that God never leaves us. When we are in the middle of deep water and the waves are threatening to drown us, He is walking toward us on top of the water with His hand reached out for us. When life feels hard and I feel weary, I find my peace and my rest in sentence prayers and quiet worship. I also remind myself that the times where He stretches us out of our comfortable cocoon and when we aren't surrounded by friends and fun, God is teaching us to rely on Who we need rather than on ourselves. He gets me alone so I can hear Him and learn to trust Him. We sang a song this week at church that says, "and I find myself here on my knees again, caught up in grace like an avalanche, nothing compares to this love burning in my heart". This could be my theme song some days. Going through a storm of life and yet completely overcome by the grace and love of God. He placed me and He places each of us exactly where we need to be. It is a place where we will need him and he will be there waiting. What an awesome reality! We may be alone, but never will we be abandoned. We may feel overwhelmed but let it be by His grace and His love and not by our circumstances. I can't help but think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She surely felt like she was alone. Who else could say that they were raising their Creator from a boy into her Savior? She knew how to accept that her walk was for her alone, but, scriptures say that there were moments when she kept some things treasured in her heart. I like that, my solitary struggles can be overcome by the graces that I keep treasured in my heart, and those graces are too many to count.
This week we actually had a rather enjoyable playdate. Surprisingly, Garrett engaged fairly well with the other kids and only had a couple of small issues. I even discussed the weather with the other mom for a few uninterrupted moments. I am hopeful that this might become the norm for him but I am also aware that it might not. Will we keep trucking either way? Most certainly, we ill. Whether it is a good day or bad one, we will play through. Sometimes, that will be separate from everyone else and, if that is the case, we will be okay. Occasionally it will be with everyone else, and you can trust that those are moments that this mom will treasure in her heart. None of us are alone, nor will we be defeated. We have all we need for this moment and this day, every moment of every day, sometimes we just have to get alone and on our knees to find it.
