I have a reader and sports enthusiast. I have one who is good with numbers and can carry on a conversation with absolutely anyone. I have a G......
I was cleaning up some madness in my mom "keep" pile a while back and I stumbled upon this beautiful note from a former teacher of Garrett's that said, "remember always that Garrett is a child of God's and then he is your child and lastly, he is a child with autism". That reminder was meaningful when it was written and it impacted me similarly that afternoon months later. It was during a time when I was very much focused on surviving autism and second grade and, to be honest, that week. I couldn't see past bedtime much less any farther. I was forgetting the "plans and purposes". Plans and purposes are something that I talk about all the time with my big boys. We pray about them and I encourage them always to trust that God has wonderful plans and purposes in mind just for them. I pray they will walk those paths and trust in the Father's perfect will for their lives. Now let me be honest, the funny thing is that I had never really considered it much for my Garrett. My failure in this area was also noted in my heart a few months ago when we were in a team meeting with some key folks in G's life and we were talking about our hopes and dreams for his future. The whole idea of thinking and planning and praying about this for him felt foreign to me and I was ashamed and shocked at my lack of faith. It wasn't' intentional that I wasn't planning or praying for G's plans and purpose, it's just that first I want him to wear his glasses, finish his homework, make a friend or even two, use kind words and actions, and, to be honest, survive. These are the plans that I have for him; homework, getting some sleep, self control, joy. Yes, they are good and right but not his God ordained purpose, right?
I tried to feel out Garrett's thoughts on all this and I discovered that it was alot for his heart and mind to wrap around as well. Maybe it's fear or ignorance or misunderstanding but G doesn't want to talk about what God's big plan is for him. When we talk about Jeremiah 29:11 where it says," For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future", G shuts down a bit. He tends to ignore it or even get a little irritated. My older boys are all in. They want to talk about exactly what sort of awesomeness might be in their future and they want assurance that it will at some point in time include their own phone and staying up later. G is ok with hanging with mom and sticking with what he knows and can control. He would be ok to marry me and sleep in his pokemon jammies for the long term. He's good. His reaction proved to me that I needed to go deeper in this area. The thing is though that I don't exactly know how and I'm a little afraid to dream big. I realized in praying about this that I still struggle with letting go and letting God with the longterm. Let's be real, if that little guy could fit on my lap for the rest of life, I would gladly rock him to sleep in those pokemon jammies and carry him back to his tent bed in the room next door to mine. It's safe. It's sure. It's surviving.
Then, a little over a week ago, I got an anonymous gift in the mail. It was a book written by a boy who had grown up "special" and his mom who had loved him through it. It walked through several different situations that they had come through and gave each of their perspectives, but the part that spoke to me was when the mom admitted how hard it was to see beyond the todays and to trust that the tomorrows would be ok. She talked about how she had to learn to not measure her son's future potential and possibilities by his disabilities and current limitations. She had to trust that God had a particular plan in mind for her little boy. It spoke of directing and nurturing her special needs child's passions and believing that God planted those seeds with a purpose in mind. I needed that truth more than I even knew. I needed to remember that God knew all of my boys and their talents and their limits before I even spoke their names. He knew that Parker would love to read and that Carter would engage everyone he met. He knew that G would have contagious joy. He also knew about their flat feet, their allergies, and, even autism. The truth is that none is created equal and, yet, each is made for His glory. We are limited. He is not. Not only does He have a perfect and good will for each of us but by walking with Him, we can accomplish that purpose and bring Him glory. He does not make mistakes. He creates life and breaths passionate, perfect, purposeful love into it.
What is my role in all this? I can pray. I pray that I will become better at trusting. I pray that I will do my part in raising boys who will walk in the Light and trust in their God given purposes, each unique and right. I pray that they will have success and joy, and that I might get to see it all unfold. I pray that I won't hold too tight but that I will always be a safe place for my boys. My hope is that somehow I will be able to teach my boys to walk in faith, to trust in the unknown. I don't want any of them to just survive, to feel less-than or like a mistake. God doesn't make us unable to do what He calls us to do. He equips. He plans. He purposes. He writes us each a part in his glorious script. I certainly don't know what the big picture will look like but I am reminded to trust in the Author to have written a perfect story that includes each of us. I think the author of the book "different" put it perfectly when he wrote, "God is out there in the dark right past the spotlight, watching me perform this song called life. I don't think he's waiting for mistakes or counting the mess ups. I think he's waiting to jump to his feet in applause" To God be the glory both now and in the future, that is so much more than just surviving!
So let me try this again...I have a reader and sports enthusiast. I have one who is good with numbers and can carry on a conversation with absolutely anyone. I have a G who collects nerf guns and lives and loves fiercely without limits. What will become of these boys of mine? Only God knows and that is a beautiful blessing to this mom.
