Welcome to Our World

It is April folks, and around here that means lots of things, baseball season starts, spring is springing up (or at least we hope!), and, a special one for us, AUTISM awareness month. Ryan and I were reflecting just the other day on how different our life is than what we thought it would be. Let me transparent, we didn't know much about autism and we didn't have a plan for it affecting our world. We figured we did not fit the at-risk group and so we were good. We think about my pregnancy and we wonder when and how and why. We look back now at baby pictures of G and we don't see an autistic baby. Then toddlerhood, that's where the seed of suspicion took root in my mama heart. He had a crazy high pain tolerance. He was too easy. He didn't throw fits (those were the days!) He didn't talk and didn't care to. He had a couple sensory issues, nothing major but we wondered. I made our own referrals and sought our own answers and I refused to not smile for my boy. I cried silent tears, in my car, over laundry, always by myself. I educated myself without google or webmd but, instead with real people in waiting rooms and books that told real life stories and professionals and experts who saw the good, despite the hard. We decided to talk about it and not hide it or cover it. We were open and honest and "ok". Gradually, our circle became educated and aware and accepting. We laugh now that what we didn't expect became, in some way, how we would be defined. We are an Autistm Family. We wear our blue and we light up our world with G as our guide. Two of the people most affected by autism in our world are not Ryan and I, but our older boys. Parker and Carter are advocates of something that is so much bigger than them. They are G's biggest fans and the most accepting and awesome brothers that he could ever have. They really don't remember life before autism. They were just little when we spent hours waiting for G to finish therapy and they often have worked along side us and his therapists to help G reach his next milestone. They laugh with him and help him and they keep Ryan and I sane in the midst of the insane. They hurt when he hurts and they have to sacrifice and serve in ways that we could never have prepared them for. They are compassionate and kind and two of the most important people in Garrett's life and ours. So this blog, kicking off a month of autism awareness, is written mostly by them, from their point of view. 

Recently, the older boys and I read a book that was written by an nonverbal autistic child. It was an easy read and it consisted of  questions about autistic behaviors and common misconceptions, followed by answers from the mind of an individual with autism. It was funny and enlightening and we really enjoyed it. Because of it, I decided to give my older boys a list of questions about autism, how it affects their lives, how they see it, and have them answer from their perspective. Here are their answers...

1. How would you define autism?  Autism is a learning disability that makes G act and think differently than other people. I’ve never heard of a cure, but I have heard that they can diagnose people earlier now.

        I think autism is a thing where you aren’t crazy or anything but that you just have a different way of approaching things which sometimes looks different or weird.

2. What is the best part about having brother with autism?  The best part about having a brother with autism is that he can be super funny sometimes and I never forget a movie quote with him repeating them all the time.

     We get to have cool things in our house like egg chairs, swing chairs, and cool fidgets. Also, we get to do special things like fun club, stepping stones, and sometimes we get to go bowling.

3. What is the worst part about having a brother with autism?  Sometimes people think that I have autism like G. Other times people will tell me that my brother is weird and I kind of get offended.

     The worst part about having a brother with autism is that while he is funny it can sometimes get annoying and he is a little weird to some of my friends.

4. Why do you think G does some of the things that he does (ex. stims, repeats, dislikes babies, etc)?  I think G does stuff-stims because he gets a little overexcited and does that to calm him down. I think G dislikes babies because they are loud and messy, and he finds that very annoying.

     I think he does stuff-stims, repeats, dislikes babies, etc. because he is comfortable repeating movie lines. He does stuff- stims because it calms him down when he gets excited. He dislikes babies because they are loud, they cry, and they do things that G thinks are strange.

5. What do you think is the hardest part for G in living with autism?  The hardest thing for G to do with autism is learning. It is just hard for him.

     I think the hardest thing for G about living with autism is that sometimes he doesn’t understand what people are saying to him and that can make his life a little harder

6. Has Garrett's autism ever embarrassed you?  When I was younger I never used to think G was very weird. I mean he went to a special school and had a bunch of sensory things, but it never bothered me at all, or at least until other kids started meeting G. I swear in my second-grade year I explained autism 20 times and it started to become a conscious thing. But then G got older and all my friends think he is the funniest kid ever.

     G has never really embarrassed me because all my friends know that he is a little bit different.

7. How has autism made you or your family stronger? Autism has made are family appreciate one another better than other families I think.

     I think autism has made our family stronger because it has shown us that sometimes different is a good thing and that we should always treat people with kindness and respect.

8. What are your best and worst memories with G? One of my best memories with G is when he first started to go to school and he met all these other kids and he loved his teachers. One of my worst memories with G is when he had trouble in his second-grade year and we had issues with getting it switched. It all turned out ok, but it was kinda worrisome. 

     My best memory with G was when he asked Parker’s foot doctor the internet password was and said he had no idea. Then G said they needed to work on their internet connection. My worst memory with G was when one time he was clapping, jumping, and making his noise and I heard this kid say, I wonder whose brother he is, I bet he is weird.

9. What hopes, dreams, or fears do you have for G when he grows up? I hope that somebody will not be afraid to take G in as a person as well as an employee. I am afraid that somebody will not take G in because they think he will mess up.   

     I hope and dream that when G gets older he does whatever makes him happy and excels. I fear that some people will turn G away because they fear he will not do well at what they need done.

10. What do you love about G? I love G because he has given me many things in life that no one else has he is just a great person to be around.

     I love G because he makes us laugh all the time.

These boys....Life is full of worries and what ifs and tough times. There are no guarantees or plans or sure things. My boys, though so young and wild and far from perfect, remind me that there is hope and that some surprises are exactly what you never knew you always needed. All 3 of my boys are brave and smart and good. It is a challenge to live with autism, for the individual with the diagnosis and for their loved ones, but it is a worthy, strengthening challenge.  My hope for all my boys is that they always take life as an opportunity to grow and learn and love and, that they are always there for each other, laughing and loving all the while, lighting up the world around them.

Laundry Prayers of Bursting Praise

Laundry. It is one of those things. I do it every single day, several times each day. It is definitely a love-hate relationship with me and laundry. And yet, that is where I am starting today. Actually, it was a couple of days ago. I was back in my boys’ room sorting socks and putting away laundry. It was a quiet evening and I was remaking beds and being a mom and I was also praying. I was just really chatting with my Jesus. I was praying for my boys which led to praying for other folks too. I was praying for a few of my tribe that are going through tough things. Things that make us feel heavy and sad and make your eyes tear up. As I was praying I was specifically asking for God’s hand to work but even more. I was asking for the purpose to be clear and the strengthening and molding to happen accordingly. I was praying that months, years, decades later,  God’s hand would still be visible, and thanks would be offered for His work in the hard moments. As I prayed, I was just overwhelmed with how I have been able to witness that in my own life and in so many others. My laundry prayers were not necessarily all for bad, heavy, hard things, like biopsies and illnesses and unknowns, but they also included open doors, new opportunities, distant hopes in the hearts of people that I know and love. All of the requests still had questions unanswered and so they were scary because of those unknowns. Several things struck me in my prayer time, my boys have too many socks, just joking (kind of). I realized no one’s story is without detours and unknown roads, everything can be used for the good if we allow the Master to work the clay, and we really can give thanks in all things. As we celebrate 15 years of marriage this month, I can say that Ryan and I have certainly known the moments that we never dreamed would happen. We have seen those things bless us and, sometimes, scare us beyond ourselves and we have been and, continue to be, grateful for them every day.

 When I was caring for my first precious little 4 month old baby boy, I never dreamed or imagined that I was also carrying my next precious little baby boy and yet a cheap pregnancy test told me the truth. It was not on the spreadsheet of our life but we quickly realized that we needed to add it in there! A blessing, yes, but also something that rocked our world at that time and took lots of prayer and patience and grace to get used to and, even, be thankful for. I remember saying to God, “but, this isn’t how I thought it would be”. This is a happy detour but, of course, not all of the unexpecteds have been as joyous. We also spend everyday adjusting our life and our expectations around our special needs son, every meal, every experience, every. single. thing. It doesn’t always feel like a reason for praise in the hard moments of homework and stimming and just surviving, and yet, I know that I need to be thankful. Ryan takes meds that are ugly and battles a disease that we never knew existed until it flipped our world. My career has had to be adjusted to fit our reality and to meet the needs and demands of it. Life happens and we choose how we respond and adapt it every moment of every day. 

This is true for every one of us. We have all experienced unimagined blessings and unexpected hardships. None of us are spared and we shouldn’t even desire that. I have friends who have lost loved ones, survived  broken relationships, dealt with health issues too young and too hard,  had to move away from loved ones. The list is unending. This week one of my devotional readings said this, “Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity. That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything. You give me thanks (regardless of your feelings), and I give you joy (regardless of your circumstances)” It went on to explain our being thankful opens us up to God’s handwork in all of life. When we shine his LIGHT on our circumstances, the happy and the harsh, it is really like turning a flashlight on in a dark room. The entire perspective changes and the scariest things don’t look so bad anymore and the brightest things reflect His goodness.

The scripture for that day’s reading is one that I know and love and try to live every day. It is from Isaiah 55:6-12: 

“Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near. Let the wicked forsake their ways and the unrighteous their thoughts. Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, “declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth:  It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.”

I love and believe that the Lord’s thoughts and ways are higher than mine. I trust that and find peace in it, but that ending. Don’t miss it! It is where I am right now and where my laundry prayers led me. God’s words, His work, does not return empty. We can go out, wherever He leads, with JOY and PEACE. His purposes will be accomplished. His watering will produce fruit and that should cause us all to burst (love that word) into song, trees clapping our hands! That is praise! That is rejoicing! That is God’s work and it is always worthy!

As I folded the last of my boys’ clothes that night, I admit that the tears were flowing but they weren’t sad tears. They were tears of joy. In 15 years, Ryan and I have had our life’s plans be forever altered beyond what we ever could have asked or imagined. We have had gone through the good, the bad, and the ugly and we know that we will again. Today though, we rejoice, we clap our hands, and our hearts are full of bursting praise because God’s goodness is present and active in our marriage, in our lives. There will be rain and storms, but it is purposeful and yields a rich harvest. This is why I will keep praying for my tribe, my friends, my family, everyone who needs to see the hand of God at work. I will also keep being thankful, for the unknown, unplanned, unimagined. God is always working, and His work is always good. Let us be bursting with the praise that He so richly deserves.

The Dis-connect

Let me tell you all a little bit about myself, I am a stellar disconnector. I wasn't always aware that I had this uncanny ability but not long after joining Ryan in wedded bliss, I discovered "the silent treatment". I could win a gold medal in this event! I am epic at nodding and making eye contact, all while pretending my opponent doesn't really exist in my world. I will neither admit or deny to being able to survive multiple days of not speaking to those that I love if they so deserve it. The trouble of this is that somehow I have started using this in all areas of my life. When things start to rub me wrong, when I get jealous, or prideful, or hurt, or angry, I simply shut down. A few years ago, around the time of Garrett's diagnosis, I just silently stepped out of some friendships. All of a sudden things felt hard for me and I decided to shut myself off a bit, make my circle smaller. I later recognized my behavior for what it was, my embarrassment and fear, and have since reconciled those relationships but it took me entirely too long to make amends with myself.  I will sometimes find myself doing this to my own kids. They will start to try my patience and I will just sort of pretend they aren't really in my space, sharing my oxygen, desiring my attention. My oldest already attempts to get me back by talking more and more and more. It is both sad and funny and his incessant words will eventually break down my barrier or send me to my room with a good book. I also find that I do this with my Savior. Recently, I was feeling a little hurt and a lot of stubbornness in a couple of different relationships. I knew what I should do and I knew what I wanted to do and I chose the latter. I simply avoided, ignored, and disconnected. It was justifiable. It was necessary. It was wrong. The worst part was that the more I felt conviction over it, the less I spoke with my Convictor. I avoided praying and reading and even thinking about God because he was not on my side. I had my quiet times. I listened to my worship music. I even did devotionals with my kids but I also disconnected myself as much as possible. I refused to let my Savior anywhere near my soul, at least for a little bit.

By definition, to disconnect is to break the connection of or between. When I feel I have been wronged or when I'm frustrated, hurt, or annoyed, it feels good and appropriate to disengage. Why continue arguing? Why put myself out there to be hurt more? Why not separate myself from what is bothering me? The answer, I have discovered over the last few days, is simple, we are made to be in relationship, with each other and, certainly, with God.  We are created by and for and dependent upon connections. The harsh, honest, hard answer is that life is not all about me. In fact, when trying to live a life of faith,  it kind of never is. There is a part of me, the fleshly part of me, that wants to think that in separating, in refusing to engage, I win and I will be better, but that part is always wrong. It is selfish and it is wrong, especially when I do this with my Lord. He is the Vine and I am the branch. All of my nourishment, all of my strength, all of my life, comes from Him. He is the Light and without Him, I feel the darkness. At first, I can justify and it doesn't feel too bad but soon I feel lost and alone and ugly on the inside. The same thing happens if I try this in my other relationships. It doesn't feel good and right to cut off myself from my kids and my husband and my friends. It doesn't heal. Instead it hurts, divides, and wounds.

In praying about this, God showed me some wonderful insight in a devotional that I have been going through. Here is a excerpt from it, "When your sins weigh heavy upon you, come to me...Stay in the light of My Presence, receiving forgiveness, cleansing, and healing. Remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness, so nothing can separate you from me...Man's (or Rachel's) tendency is to hide from his sin, seeking refuge in the darkness. There he indulges in self-pity, denial, righteousness, blaming, and hatred. But I am the Light of the world, and My illumination decimates the darkness. Come close to Me and let My Light envelop you, driving out the darkness and permeating you with Peace." Wow! Doesn't that just feel like a big heavenly hug. God never leaves us and always, always desires relationship with us. Hiding in ourselves, we will only be enveloped in our own selfish darkness. The scripture reading for that day was from Psalm 32:1-5 and here is a part of it..."When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me, my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged (spoke) my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity......and You forgave the guilt of my sin".  God knows my stubbornness all too well and really beat his point into the ground. I get it! I need to speak, talk, share, stay connected. But not just me, we all do.

In closing, here is a prayer from my prayer journal. Not because I have it all right, but because I absolutely don't. This one is dog-earred, just in case I might happen need to review it later (like daily!).....Yep, Lord, I get it. I have a major tendency to shut off and shut down whatever I don't want to hear and that includes with you. Forgive me. Speak to me and help me to listen. Soften my heart and help me to obey. Don't give up on me. Thank you for never forsaking me. I feel heavy because I won't give you my burdens. Help me to turn my hardness over to you and let your grace and mercy mold and shape me. Amen and amen.