The "crash and burn"

I have hesitated to write this. I almost always write about whatever is going on in our lives, so last week when I felt God leading me down this road, I dug my heels in, I resisted, I fought, and yet, here we are. I find myself living the very thing that I wanted to avoid and, I am writing about it. The "crash and burn"- for us this is a moment, a circumstance, that my Garrett looses to. It could be a scraped knee, a sign at his favorite store that got updated, it could be a commercial, or an ending to a story that he didn't anticipate, whatever it is, it overwhelms Garrett and he struggles to adapt and is often unable to without more extreme measures. Ryan and I are usually able to recognize it. We see it coming most times. It is almost as if a silent warning passes between us and we react without words. The other  day it was a stubbed toe, not a major injury but G was tired and wearing down anyway, and so when he bumped his foot the wrong way, I jumped to my feet. When the "crash and burn" is in progress, Garrett is usually loud. Whether in sadness or frustration, he will be heard.  He is also more aggressive. He goes into a flight or fight response that is worse than usual. We have different methods to treat the "crash and burn" but a few tactics are constants. We get to G as fast as we can. We hold him, hug him tight so he feels our love and support both physically and emotionally. We talk easy to him, whisper words of support or comfort, sometimes this could be favorite song or phrase. We get him away from the crowds and let him cry or vent or whatever he needs to do without the pressure of people. When it is all said and done, we let him rest. Often this is exactly what it sounds like, he falls asleep and we let him do that and be in peace.

As I have been thinking about the "crash and burn"all week, I knew that what God wanted me to share was that we all suffer these moments. We all have the circumstances, the coincidences, the things that we loose to. It may be a diagnosis, a bad day, a song, a phone call, whatever it is, it is threatens to defeat us and we find that desperate measures are required. I didn't want to write this blog because I hate crashing and burning. I love control and having self control and feeling like I am surviving but "crashing and burning" doesn't feel like that. I know because I "crashed and burned" a little this week. I got a little too busy and a little too overwhelmed with a few things going on with G and I just couldn't quite keep it together. My heart rate went up and my tears threatened to fall and I didn't know what to do but loose it.  I wanted to yell and cry out and be heard by someone, by anyone. The funny thing is that I felt in that moment that God was doing the same thing to me that I do with Garrett. I felt his arms come around me to carry me and I knew instinctively that he had always been there. I separated myself so it was just my Jesus and me. I heard him reminding me of scriptures that bring me peace, whispering them into my heart. I felt his peace and accepted his rest. It looks different than how we help G with his "crashing and burning" and, yet, it was exactly the same. This week, during my crash and burn, I had to get in the car, because when your a mom loosing it, you're still a mom. I turned on the radio, louder than my usual to drown out my struggles, and heard a song that reminded me why it is okay to sometimes "crash and burn". It was the peace that I needed to remind me who and where I belong and that even when I've lost it, I can still be sure that my victory will come.  The second verse says this, "So when the walls come falling down on me

and when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea, I have this blessed assurance holding me. All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong." My circumstance was still not what I wanted it to be but in that moment, but still, I could rest assured that all would be okay. "Crashing and burning" is not permanent. Struggles and hurts are not a constant. There will be scars from our scrapes and there will be hurts that will wound us deeply. There will be times when we feel like we are loosing it and, maybe, we really are, but, this is not where we belong. Take this world, and all that it offers that we can't adapt to, and give me Jesus because this is not where I belong.

As I said earlier, this week was a rough one for us. Garrett is having a tougher time at school right now, in part because he is trying to socialize more. That is very difficult thing for G to do, appropriately make friends. It is a skill that he has not mastered, yet. In a conversation with his teacher, she used the phrase, "crashing and burning" in reference to his failed attempts at fitting in this week. She didn't know how true her description was or what it meant to me. I appreciate that she too could recognize how hard failing is to him and I. We all want G to fit in and succeed socially and cognitively and emotionally in his life and we will do whatever we can to help him. Unfortanately, that means that sometimes he will have to "crash and burn".  It is inevitable for all of us. The thing is, though, that when the dust settles and the smoke clears, Garrett and all of us who choose to, we will still have Jesus. He will be holding us tight, encouraging our hearts, and letting us rest until we are ready to try again.