Firm Feet

Last night my oldest got out of bed. For all those parents reading this, you know that this is a near mortal sin, especially since it was the third night this week that he had reappeared after bedtime.  I was just getting comfortable with the remote in my hand and my final cup of coffee half emptied. My response was not kind, needless to say. It was something along the lines of GO TO BED and he was obedient in tucking his tail and heading back down the hall. Then Ryan brought a little wisdom into the situation and pointed out that this son of ours might just be a little nervous. You see, our oldest is having surgery this week. It is not a major surgery and we are always thankful for health in our family,  but he is having his feet operated on and it feels big to him and, honestly, to me too. This time it was my turn to do the walk of shame down the hall and into his darkened bedroom. I crept to his bedside and apologized for overreacting and asked what was wrong. My mom heart broke when he admitted with a quivering voice that his feet hurt and that he was a little scared. He said, "Mom, what if I limp?" Such a simple question but one that was too deep and too real for such a young soul. I tried to hold in my tears and offer my best mom comfort while internally begging Jesus to let my boy heal easily and to give me the right words and then I told him we would pray. So while I rubbed his ankles and feet with some Deep Blue, we presented our requests to God with prayer and thanksgiving. We asked Him to help us to not be anxious. We thanked Him for good doctors, for insurance, for better feet in the future. We prayed for peace and sleep and quick healing bodies. I did the talking and Parker silently agreed as we prayed that we would trust and hope in the plans that God has for him. It was heartbreaking and heavy and somehow those moments helped my boy find sleep, but not this mom. 

The next morning I felt myself still wrestling with worry over the situation. I had been trying to diligently pray and let go for weeks,  but the struggle was very real, not only was my child scared, but I was too.  As I sat doing my devotional that morning I kept going back to those anxious thoughts,  wondering why God gave him feet that ached and was I making the right choice for his little body. How could surgery ever be the best option and why couldn't he just have normal feet? I questioned if it would all really be ok, that is what I was telling him but how was I to believe it in my own heart. As I washed dishes and stared out the window at the trampoline in the back, all I could think of was the unfairness of it all. Then God spoke to me. He reminded me that walking, with or without a limp, in this life was not the walking that I needed to concern myself with for my boys. My greatest desire is really for them to walk closely and firmly rooted and established with their Savior, all other walking is in vain. Naturally, I want Parker's body to heal whole and well but, more than that, more than anything else, I want him to take his every step, his every decision, his every breath with Jesus. I can rub his feet. I can hold his hand.  I can buy him insoles and even, sign off for surgery. I can pray with him and try to help him in many ways, but his heart, his future is not in my control. My Parker knows his Lord and it is Jesus who is his true comfort and healer, not me. It is the the paths that the Lord has for him that I want him to walk in. I want his feet and his faith to rest solidly in Jesus and His ways, not my own.

Psalm 40:1-3 says this, 


1 
1 "I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."


Oh that this would be my hope, my cry for Parker, for all my boys, for my own soul. No matter what we face or what we fear, He is with us. He never leaves us. He never forsakes us. He never leads us down wrong paths and He always walks beside us. Let us wait and trust. He will take the pain and turn it into praise. He will steady us as we walk sure on solid ground. Let us sing a new song and may others see what He has done and be amazed. 

I will be tucking that little boy into bed tonight. I will have to remind him several times to take his allergy medicine and brush his teeth. I will go to the room that he shares with his brother and we will chat and pray and for our devotional, I will read them this verse. I will pray it and hold tightly to it and we will rest in certain hope that we can sing a new song as we walk steady and safe in the ways of our Lord.