If you ever pass me in my minivan and see me breaking down a beat don't be surprised. I get my groove on quite often while dropping off, picking up, or running errands. It is one of the rare times in my day that I feel somewhat alone and can focus. My best worship is usually in my car. I feel free to raise my hands, cry, clap, and I can turn up the volume and drown myself out whenever I want to. Recently, our family went through the Frozen phase. We listened to the soundtrack until Ryan and I could do parts and he was singing it in the shower. I am not proud of this nor was I proud of the day that the kind gentleman laughed and beeped at me as I performed "Fixer Upper" while stopped at a stoplight. The best part is that I really wasn't embarrassed. I rolled down my window and cranked up the volume so his morning could start out as encouraging as mine was. I mean really"everyone is a bit of a fixer-upper".
I was thinking of this today when I took Garrett to wash his hands. He had been playing outside and he wanted some ice cream but I asked him to wash up first. My sister, Emily, came in to assist and was surprised at the process. The water needed to be hot but then it was too hot so we switched to cold. The soap needed squirted on both hands. He wanted a paper towel not a hand towel to dry but when he couldn't find one fast enough he opted for toilet paper. Of course that was slightly disastrous and then even the throwing away of the toilet paper was extravagant.
A similar thing happened with our uncle Dan the other day. He offered Garrett a cookie. Now, at the time that this exchange took place G was in a pickle anyway but the cookie worked to distract him from his stress and he accepted it. It was a Panera cookie which was big enough to have its own address, so Dan broke it in half. As soon as he did that I was hoping that he had another one. The broken cookie was obviously not acceptable to G, who by now was on the brink of a meltdown. Now this was not a normal five year old fit. Garrett sees things different. He was offered a cookie, not half a cookie, and he was already feeling over stimulated and struggling to adapt, so he could not take even this minor change. Thankfully, uncle Dan gave him a new one but he was in awe of the particulars of my little man. I explained it to him like this, Garrett's life is like a very intricate dance. I never know the exact next step but I have become pretty good at anticipating it. There are certain people, certain circumstances that I prep him for in advance. There are other instances where the surprise tactic is better. It may be a wrong fork or turning a new age (his favorite number is four so he refuses to be five). It may be a broken cookie or chocolate frosted donut with shamrock sprinkles (we are mourning the passing the St. Patrick's Day). I dance the dance and, though I often stumble, I keep going and enjoy it as much as I can.
I really believe that we all dance through life. We all have our special things or certain steps that we like a certain way. I find that for me a morning bath and quiet time always starts my day better than any other option and worship is best in the car. Ryan likes a big bowl of cereal before bed and communicates best with his guitar in hand. Parker likes to hear a special lullaby before bed while I hold his hand. Carter wants his back, shudders, and right arm scratched often. We all dance, we just don't see it as such unless it is more extreme. I think it is how God made us to be. It keeps us from being boring and adds wonderful spice to our relationships. He knows the hairs on our heads and He knows every step of our dance. How awesome is that?!
I, personally, love dancing. I am not great at it in the literal sense but, in the case of my boys, I am a professional. I can anticipate and react better than any other and even, sometimes, enjoy the uniqueness of each move. It has taken time and patience and prayer but I feel like I can usually find the beat of even Garrett. Yes, his dance is definitely more intricate but I am blessed to be one of his partners. Maybe God gave me an especially complex dancer because He knew of my love to groove.
The moral of the story is really this, if you see me in my car breaking down to a beat, don't be surprised or embarrassed. Heck, roll your windows down, crank your volume up and join me. Let's all just enjoy the dance that God gave us, even the more complex ones.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Achievements
This week Garrett had his last day at his little preschool named Achievements. It is a small private school specially designed for kids with delays or autism. It was a wonderful place where G made his first friends on his own and learned so many skills. It was the first time I dropped him off somewhere for more than just an hour or so. He took his first cold lunch complete with yoo-hoo and carrots. It became one of my greatest resources and a place I will always treasure as an answer to this mom's prayers.The ironic thing is that this month also marks one year since Garrett received his ASD diagnosis. That was not an enjoyable eval to say the least. It was the first time I ever witnessed hand flapping from Garrett and the entire time he only spoke baby talk. Ryan and I looked and felt like we needed evals after those three hours. When the nice woman went over the preliminary results I remember feeling lost and overwhelmed but not hopeless. Never hopeless. I remember driving home with tears and prayers and trusting for direction and victory.
In the past year, we have had so many victories. Garrett has achieved things that felt impossible at the time. He has conquered more that we thought possible. He can carry on a conversation better, say his name, address, phone number, birthday, and so much more. He can make friends and deal with his frustrations better. He knows how to answer questions and can even read sight words. He knows when he needs bear hugged and how to find an appropriate chewy. He holds his attention better and makes right choices most of the time. His year has been full of walls he had to break through and giants he had to defeat and somehow he has done just that.
I was reflecting on this in my quiet time as I read about the Israelites preparing to go into the Promised Land for the second time. Isn't it funny that they spent 40 years wandering around in the dessert because of some reports of giants and tall walls? Isn't it funny that we do the same? I have had times when I have let the reports scare me and defeat me. I have failed to trust and wandered around looking for direction when all I needed to do was trust and obey. If the Israelites had done this, trusted and obeyed, the entire Bible would be entirely different.
Last year, I feel like I refused to wander. I saw the giants and knew how hard the walls would be to break down but I also knew Who was on my side. I was ready with a grateful heart to face whatever was coming because I had been to battle before and He had always been faithful. This morning I read Deuteronomy 3:21-22 and 4:9. They basically say to remember, to never forget, what God has done for us. My version actually says, "Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live". The harsh reality is that even as we achieve one milestone there will always be another waiting for us. Sometimes as we move forward we see things in the future that scare us more than what was behind us. That is why it is so important to remember and never forget. God has shown himself able to defeat hard times, tough diagnosis, conflicts, and struggles over and over in my life and I am certain He will continue to... I want to always remember.
A year ago we had reports of giants and strong walls and today we have a little boy getting ready to start kindergarten next year. I expect we will see more obstacles in our future but I look forward to them. God promised the Israelites a land flowing with milk and honey and I know that He has awesome things in store for Garrett as well. We will continue toward our promised land with hope and trust.
In the past year, we have had so many victories. Garrett has achieved things that felt impossible at the time. He has conquered more that we thought possible. He can carry on a conversation better, say his name, address, phone number, birthday, and so much more. He can make friends and deal with his frustrations better. He knows how to answer questions and can even read sight words. He knows when he needs bear hugged and how to find an appropriate chewy. He holds his attention better and makes right choices most of the time. His year has been full of walls he had to break through and giants he had to defeat and somehow he has done just that.
I was reflecting on this in my quiet time as I read about the Israelites preparing to go into the Promised Land for the second time. Isn't it funny that they spent 40 years wandering around in the dessert because of some reports of giants and tall walls? Isn't it funny that we do the same? I have had times when I have let the reports scare me and defeat me. I have failed to trust and wandered around looking for direction when all I needed to do was trust and obey. If the Israelites had done this, trusted and obeyed, the entire Bible would be entirely different.
Last year, I feel like I refused to wander. I saw the giants and knew how hard the walls would be to break down but I also knew Who was on my side. I was ready with a grateful heart to face whatever was coming because I had been to battle before and He had always been faithful. This morning I read Deuteronomy 3:21-22 and 4:9. They basically say to remember, to never forget, what God has done for us. My version actually says, "Do not let these memories escape from your mind as long as you live". The harsh reality is that even as we achieve one milestone there will always be another waiting for us. Sometimes as we move forward we see things in the future that scare us more than what was behind us. That is why it is so important to remember and never forget. God has shown himself able to defeat hard times, tough diagnosis, conflicts, and struggles over and over in my life and I am certain He will continue to... I want to always remember.
A year ago we had reports of giants and strong walls and today we have a little boy getting ready to start kindergarten next year. I expect we will see more obstacles in our future but I look forward to them. God promised the Israelites a land flowing with milk and honey and I know that He has awesome things in store for Garrett as well. We will continue toward our promised land with hope and trust.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
"Kind words are sweet like honey"
I have several little quotes I use frequently with my kids in disciplining and directing such as "kind words are sweet like honey", "only use words that build up and not ones that tear down"," remember your joy", and, on occassion when I am being a mean mom you will hear me say "she's a cold hearted snake". These are just a few of the Moffa mantras we have and this week the kind words have been a struggle. I noticed that I found myself repeating this all too frequently and, unfortunately, not just to my kids but also to myself.
My real warning that I needed some help with this area came when I spoke harshly to my mom. We were watching my boys little league game, which doesn't bring out the best in me, and my mom was doing what moms do and correcting me. Now, I know that I am an adult and should be able to handle myself, but my mom is one of those high quality, long term moms. My parents are my spiritual mentors and my mom is one of closest confidantes. I can talk to her about anything and I always know that I will receive godly and honest wisdom. She is always supportive but also knows when I need a reality dose and brought back down off my horse. I mean who better to knock you out of your saddle than your mom, right? Well, this particular evening I needed a dose of motherly discipline and when my mom corrected me, I snapped back. The big clicker is that when I realized that I needed to apologize....I didn't.
I was struggling to practice what I preach. Not only was I not using kind words but I tore down someone I love out of anger and frustration. I started soul searching and quickly found that this was a problem in more area than one. I do it to my husband and my kids and when I whine, complain, or envy, I am doing it to God. It is so easy to say something unkind. We think and then we speak it, no filter required. I tell my kids all the time that the reflection of our hearts is seen in our words and actions. What condition is my heart when my tongue lashes out?
I came up with a heart transplant of sorts. I am focusing on sweetening not slaying. I am putting more effort in my words, thinking through them. I am attempting to take notice of all the lovely "sugar" that God has poured on my life, how He has generously sprinkled people and things to bless me and I am thanking Him for it. I am believing and living like I can be honey to my little world. Proverbs 16:24 says, "Kind words are sweet like honey, sweet to the soul and healing to the body". That is both powerful and inspiring. Just by sweetening instead of slaying with my tongue I can help God bring about healing. This sounds like something worth working for.
Lastly, my husband Ryan actually does love honey. Sometimes I will walk into our kitchen only to find him standing with the pantry door open and a honey bottle in his hand, squeezing into his open waiting mouth. A lot of honey, a lot of love, a lot of God's goodness. What could ever be wrong with that?
My real warning that I needed some help with this area came when I spoke harshly to my mom. We were watching my boys little league game, which doesn't bring out the best in me, and my mom was doing what moms do and correcting me. Now, I know that I am an adult and should be able to handle myself, but my mom is one of those high quality, long term moms. My parents are my spiritual mentors and my mom is one of closest confidantes. I can talk to her about anything and I always know that I will receive godly and honest wisdom. She is always supportive but also knows when I need a reality dose and brought back down off my horse. I mean who better to knock you out of your saddle than your mom, right? Well, this particular evening I needed a dose of motherly discipline and when my mom corrected me, I snapped back. The big clicker is that when I realized that I needed to apologize....I didn't.
I was struggling to practice what I preach. Not only was I not using kind words but I tore down someone I love out of anger and frustration. I started soul searching and quickly found that this was a problem in more area than one. I do it to my husband and my kids and when I whine, complain, or envy, I am doing it to God. It is so easy to say something unkind. We think and then we speak it, no filter required. I tell my kids all the time that the reflection of our hearts is seen in our words and actions. What condition is my heart when my tongue lashes out?
I came up with a heart transplant of sorts. I am focusing on sweetening not slaying. I am putting more effort in my words, thinking through them. I am attempting to take notice of all the lovely "sugar" that God has poured on my life, how He has generously sprinkled people and things to bless me and I am thanking Him for it. I am believing and living like I can be honey to my little world. Proverbs 16:24 says, "Kind words are sweet like honey, sweet to the soul and healing to the body". That is both powerful and inspiring. Just by sweetening instead of slaying with my tongue I can help God bring about healing. This sounds like something worth working for.
Lastly, my husband Ryan actually does love honey. Sometimes I will walk into our kitchen only to find him standing with the pantry door open and a honey bottle in his hand, squeezing into his open waiting mouth. A lot of honey, a lot of love, a lot of God's goodness. What could ever be wrong with that?
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Brokenness aside
Have you ever had a perfect day? I dream about this and hope for one. It will start with a warm bath and an especially productive quiet devotional time. I will make a delicious breakfast that all of my kids will love. They will all be hot lunch so there will be no rushing to get lunches packed. Garrett will get dressed, including undergarments. That alone would be enough for me, but it will continue on in this fashion. The Moffas won't be late. I won't even talk on the phone while I drive and I certainly won't go over the speed limit. I will think only positive things and pray for everyone who tempts me to do otherwise. It will be perfect.
The thing is, I have never had a day like this. I usually get out of my bath reminding at least one small person in my life that joy comes in the morning so if you aren't joyful then go back to bed and start over. We are always late and I finish dressing Garrett when I pull into wherever we are going, after I say good-bye to whoever I was talking to while I drove just slightly over the speed limit. I try hard and I pray daily that I will follow God's leading in every aspect of my life but I fail to be perfect constantly. I am broken.
I was listening to my radio in the car the other day and a song came on that reminded me of my brokenness and yours, all of ours. The chorus of the song goes like this,
I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful.
Read it twice, drink up that reality. There is no perfect. If it isn't running late and being impatient, it will certainly be another.
We are ending the school year with a bunch of evals for our Garrett and what that means to me as his mom is that I will get to sit in a room with a bunch of people who think they know my son. They will tell me all he doesn't do, all that he isn't. I will nod when it is appropriate and try to not be defensive. I may smile and crack a joke or two. I will do my best to remind them of all he can do and has achieved but I will likely feel defeated at the end. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to the experience but songs like this remind me that the broken is beautiful in Christ. I can take my faults and failures, my son's test scores, my tendency to speed, to the cross and He will make it beautiful. He takes all of me, all of each of us and makes it beautiful. I don't understand that kind of love, that kind of righteousness but I couldn't live without it.
When I think of Christ's love and how it has transformed me in the past and his rich promises for the future I can keep going. There will still be frustrations, cold lunches, annoying people and forgotten joy but He will always be greater and more. He is my Savior and He is in the business of saving, brokenness aside. I may never have my perfect day but I will hope for it and work toward it. I will fail often and still be late most of the time but know that all my ugly, all my broken is beautiful and so is yours.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
the covering
Ryan and I celebrated 11 years of marriage in March and so it naturally got me thinking romantic thoughts and made me feel a bit nostalgic. Our life in 11 years has grown and changed beyond what we ever could have imagined but I do love being married to him. In my quiet times I am reading through Exodus and toward the end I was getting a little bored and I almost switched to something more applicable but then God opened my eyes to something right there where I was.
After the excitement and drama of leaving Egypt, God begins to direct the Israelites in how to live and then in how to build His tabernacle. I have to admit that when I got to that part in chapter 25, I was feeling like a architect and not loving it but I pressed on. I was awestruck by the first set of plans He gave them. They were not for the altar, or the tents, or the lamp but for the Ark of Covenant, which would house the ten commandments, and the atonement cover. He gave very specific instructions for what to us would be a lid and it changed me instantly. He wanted the covering to be made of gold and on top He said to put two angels facing each other with their wings spread above it, protecting it. This immediately brought to mind my marriage. I pictured Ryan and I as the angels and inside our ark would be our most precious gifts, our boys. I could see us facing each other united in our goal to protect and keep them from harm or hurt. In order to complete our assignment we have to stay facing each other, united and strong not only in our love for the gifts but also in our love for each other. I wrote down this enlightenment and shared it with Ryan and we both enjoyed the thought. Then, a few days later, I discovered another great insight. Not only did this sacred ark house the ten commandments but it was also where God spoke directly to Moses. When Moses chatted with the awesome I Am he did so through this container with the angel lid. How amazing is that?! I was once again moved that God was taking a moment to remind that we are not just husband and wife and mom and dad but that He is speaking to us through the gifts of our marriage and our kids. I find this true all the time. It is so often through my family that I hear God. It is not by accident that I am married to that man and that we have those kids. God arranged, ordained, and planned it perfectly because He is such a great gift giver.
Ryan and I are two very different people. My love language is acts of service. That is his last, almost impossible for him to do. I also like gifts and words of encouragement, my last is quality time. Guess what his first is? He loves to spend time just hanging out and I never do "nothing". I am constantly going. He loves naps. I get angry if I nap. He is quiet. I am not. With all this being said, God put us together as a sacred union. He made the two of us one. He speaks to us, through us, and needs us united in our marriage even when it seems like we are not enough.
In closing, I want to share that I hesitated in sharing this post. I argued with God for a solid week about it. I don't want to set the impression that my marriage or any marriage is perfect but it is worth it and it is a very large part of where I see God working and I hear God speaking to me. The Ark of the Covenant was made of gold and for me I see that as God's hand in my marriage. The Ark was kept in the Most Holy Place. I think God made a most holy place in my heart for Ryan and I am grateful that He keeps us always together working for Him and by His strength.
Ryan and I are two very different people. My love language is acts of service. That is his last, almost impossible for him to do. I also like gifts and words of encouragement, my last is quality time. Guess what his first is? He loves to spend time just hanging out and I never do "nothing". I am constantly going. He loves naps. I get angry if I nap. He is quiet. I am not. With all this being said, God put us together as a sacred union. He made the two of us one. He speaks to us, through us, and needs us united in our marriage even when it seems like we are not enough.
In closing, I want to share that I hesitated in sharing this post. I argued with God for a solid week about it. I don't want to set the impression that my marriage or any marriage is perfect but it is worth it and it is a very large part of where I see God working and I hear God speaking to me. The Ark of the Covenant was made of gold and for me I see that as God's hand in my marriage. The Ark was kept in the Most Holy Place. I think God made a most holy place in my heart for Ryan and I am grateful that He keeps us always together working for Him and by His strength.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
At the end of a hard day...
Today was such a hard day. There were many more lows than highs. As I write this, everyone is asleep and I feel almost too tired to rest. The struggles started at drop off at school and really didn't end until I laid beside my Garrett, rubbing his head, praying for rest and naming simple thanks of gratitude to God. I was grateful for the smell of fresh washed boys, for daddy sleeping, for tomorrows. I was just trying to get through those last moments and as tired tears rolled down my cheeks I was reminded of a moment last week that I will be grateful for for a long time.
Last week we went to Panera and had lunch. The boys had the day off from school and Panera had a special cookie in honor of Autism Awareness so I felt like I was multitasking, a mommy date and supporting a great cause. The cookies had blue puzzle pieces on them and I explained to the boys what they were for. Carter said something that took me back for a second. He said that the cookies had a puzzle piece because Garrett is like a puzzle missing a piece. That thought hurt my heart a bit. We have tried to educate the boys on autism and what it is and what it means but even that is not enough. Carter's innocent statement reminded me that so often we see people with special needs and we feel they are missing something or not quite enough. I took the opportunity to remind the boys that Garrett is not missing anything. He is perfect and loved and complete. I told them that at times Garrett feels like a complicated puzzle with a lot of pieces and difficult edges but he is missing nothing. Later the topic came up again and one of the boys said that they wished autism would become extinct. I let that thought settle inside me a little and surprised myself by being thankful for all of Garrett, even his autism. I wouldn't want to imagine a day without him just the way he is. His quirkiness, his full range of emotions, his belly laugh, if he wasn't autistic he wouldn't be him. I don't know when God caused my heart to rejoice in the hardness of life but I am so grateful for it. Anytime we can be grateful for that which is difficult we know that is a God thing.
Even on the bad days, even on the down swing, I will give thanks. Today wasn't great and there are no guarantees for tomorrow to be better but I will keep working this puzzle called life. Complicated or not, it is mine and I really wouldn't want it different. I am grateful for conversations over cookies, for gentle reminders for all of us, for hope. I will be thankful in ALL circumstances and I am especially thankful that with God there really are no missing pieces.
Last week we went to Panera and had lunch. The boys had the day off from school and Panera had a special cookie in honor of Autism Awareness so I felt like I was multitasking, a mommy date and supporting a great cause. The cookies had blue puzzle pieces on them and I explained to the boys what they were for. Carter said something that took me back for a second. He said that the cookies had a puzzle piece because Garrett is like a puzzle missing a piece. That thought hurt my heart a bit. We have tried to educate the boys on autism and what it is and what it means but even that is not enough. Carter's innocent statement reminded me that so often we see people with special needs and we feel they are missing something or not quite enough. I took the opportunity to remind the boys that Garrett is not missing anything. He is perfect and loved and complete. I told them that at times Garrett feels like a complicated puzzle with a lot of pieces and difficult edges but he is missing nothing. Later the topic came up again and one of the boys said that they wished autism would become extinct. I let that thought settle inside me a little and surprised myself by being thankful for all of Garrett, even his autism. I wouldn't want to imagine a day without him just the way he is. His quirkiness, his full range of emotions, his belly laugh, if he wasn't autistic he wouldn't be him. I don't know when God caused my heart to rejoice in the hardness of life but I am so grateful for it. Anytime we can be grateful for that which is difficult we know that is a God thing.
Even on the bad days, even on the down swing, I will give thanks. Today wasn't great and there are no guarantees for tomorrow to be better but I will keep working this puzzle called life. Complicated or not, it is mine and I really wouldn't want it different. I am grateful for conversations over cookies, for gentle reminders for all of us, for hope. I will be thankful in ALL circumstances and I am especially thankful that with God there really are no missing pieces.
Monday, March 31, 2014
In His Image
I recently started a devotional book about prayer and I have found several things impressionable about the experience. One thing that has really stood out to me was my prayers for my kids. My boys are the beat of my heart and I was surprised to find that my prayers did not necessarily reflect that. I want to change them and fix them too many times.
Parker hates fruits and veges but loves to read. Garrett loves to play pretend and eats several chocolate donuts a week. Carter builds legos and can talk for hours on end.
These are my boys. All three are completely different and yet the Bible tells me that they are each created in God's image. This truth has been milling around in my brain lately. I have found myself struggling with the reality that His image is not just in the obvious ones, Mother Teresa, my parents and grandparents, John the Baptist. We see God in them all the time, the things they say and do very much reflect their faith and their creator. When I look at my boys I can see God's hand but I see such differences too. How can this be?
I am sure that I don't have all the answers but I am sure that God in all his greatness never makes mistakes. That means that the faults and failures that I see in myself are not mistakes. This means that the faults and failures of the people around me are not God's mistakes. How many times have I strolled through Walmart having a conversation in my head about what is wrong with the mom in aisle 3 or the dad in front of me in line? Too many times, I am ashamed to say. Being a parent has humbled me in so many ways and being a parent to a special needs child has brought me to my knees. Now I see the screaming toddler and pray for the judgers to have deaf ears to his cries. I pray for his mom to find the peace and strength to check out without crying or yelling. I know that I have been that mom and will certainly be again. Sometimes it is a misunderstanding, sometimes lack of sleep, sensory overload, or not enough; when I find myself at the mercy of a "fit" I just pray for it to end. I would never claim to know all but I do know that we are all different, all special, and most of us are really just trying to do the best we can. I want to see everyone for the gift that God made them to be. I hope others can see each of my boys the way that God sees them. I pray that I can see His image and give Him the glory for that. There are no mistakes in his creation. Autism is not a mistake. Hating veges is not a mistake. Being a chatterbox is not a mistake. I am the one who makes the mistake when I fail to embrace my boys as individuals with different characteristics and yet each created in the image of the Almighty.
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