Today was an epic fail day for us. It started out okay, although G refused our morning walk. I guess that I should've known then and I should've adjusted my plans but sometimes shoulda's are all we get. They say hindsight is 20/20 for a reason.
I could say that alot of things went wrong but the biggest thing that went ary today was me. I tried to live the lie and the truth ran me over. As Ryan and I were talking it out later in the evening, I was explaining a few of the ugly details like that G had to be restrained as we left Target and how frazzled I felt over balloons in Old Navy. Ryan had witnessed my "end of my rope" frustration just moments earlier after being told "no" by the stubborn 6 year old and he wasn't judging or condemning me but it was then that I realized the crux of the issue. I even said it out loud. It felt ugly and wrong as it poured out of my lips but I knew it was what I had been experiencing in my heart. I told Ryan that the truth was that G had a bad day and I burnt out. When that happened, I was also done with the big boys and I took some of my frustration out on the them. I said, "The truth is that our day, our life would be completely different without G. Today would have been completely different without G." See, I told you that it wasn't pretty. It is one of the hardest truths that we live with and I hate it-for me, for G, and, mostly, for my big boys. Not only do we face challenges in parenting and raising G, but the unsung heroes, or victims on days like today, Parker and Carter, make exceptions on every aspect of life. Garrett breaks legos, steals attention, is embarassing at times, is a poor loser, gets up first, goes to bed last, stands in front of the TV, constantly distracts, limits every area of living life. Parker and Carter give more of themselves and their parents than what is normal or fair and they do it without complaining. Part of being a parent of a special needs child is grieving for the hardships they will face in life and the experiences that will be different for them. Another part of the grieving is for my other kids, the siblings, and the hardships they will face and the experiences that will be different for them. It isn't easy or fun but it is the truth.
Today I needed the big boys to carry bags and extra responsibility and not lose or forget them and, unfortunately, they failed and our stuff was gone to us. I was so angry and frustrated and I gave them their discipline, which they took with humble grace. Then the truth hit and, like the scriptures say, the truth really will set you free. Once I was able to process it all and humble myself, I gave them back their privileges and asked for their forgiveness and told them how crazy proud of them I am. We recognized out loud together that hard things make us stronger. We talked about the toughness of having a "special" little brother and how blessed we are that God gave G to us. We rejoiced over the blessings that G brings to our life like his wild sense of humor and rocking dance moves. We prayed and I tried not to cry. All the while, we laughed at G who was training for American Ninja Warrior and making toot sounds during the whole thing.
I called this blog "epic fail" but really it wasn't a complete fail. I lost my way for a moment and took a few of my favorite people down with me but grace got me back on track. The gospel of John says is perfectly in chapter 8:31-32, " Jesus said to the people who believed in him, "You are truly my disciples if you keep obeying my teachings and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free"" and in chapter 14:1, "Don't be troubled....trust in me". Reality isn't always pretty and packaged with a tidy little bow on top. Sometimes it is painful and a struggle but the TRUTH, the WAY, the LIFE is always freeing and always forgiving and I am grateful for it. I will trust without fail (most of the time) the truth that directs my steps and blessed lights my path and I will attempt to walk in the ways that it leads.
