Old faithful

Ryan has this old, ragged, favorite red, hoodie sweatshirt. It was gifted to him many moons ago by his aunt Connie. I can even remember him opening it that Christmas because I thought that it would look nice on him. I like him in reds. It is from American Eagle and was given to him back when we were still cool enough to shop there. He wears it ALL the time. It has holes in the front pocket, holes in the cuffs (and we are not talking about the cool thumb holes). It is frayed and battered and he loves it. He hates when I steal it for a quick wash and keeps it on the bottom of our bed so he can slip it on in moments. That sweatshirt, he wore it in the chilly hospital rooms when we had our babies. I remember him off to the side with wide teary eyes in his red sweatshirt. He wore it for his first scope, that dreaded day when our lives tilted a little. He wore it for his first treatment where he received a 5 hour infusion to kill his immune system so it couldn't attack his belly anymore, hopefully. He wears it to play Mario kart, to watch his boys play ball. He has worn it on walks on the beach and to take the trash out. He wears it worship practice and for lazy evenings at home. It is his go to and has been for a very long time.  It is woven into our memories and our days and our lives.  This red sweatshirt has been with us through our greatest joys and also through some of our worst moments. He loves it and, oddly, I do to. It's old. It's comfortable. It's useful. It's faithful.

This sweatshirt recently reminded me of some important truths in life. It started out as a normal early morning at our house. Ryan and I were chatting while he got ready for work. He took his red sweatshirt off and placed it in his spot for it at the bottom of our bed and reminded me not to try to wash "old sweater" because he planned on wearing it that evening. It made me laugh and then the morning continued on as they all do. He left for work and I got busy having my quiet time. I was reading through Revelations and reflecting on how I tend to avoid that particular book. It is just not my favorite. It can be confusing and overwhelming to me but that day, I noticed how beautiful and powerful it really is. That morning the words seemed so fresh to my heart and spoke volumes to me of old truths that were being made new to John, a tired but faithful servant of God. John was in it for the long haul and he had been through much in his life and the last book he wrote was one of his greatest feats. It's truly unimaginable. How inspiring to have lived a life devoted to sharing the hope of the world and then to be blessed with the prophetic visions of the that hope being finally fulfilled. That particular morning, it left me feeling encouraged and yet also wondering where exactly my faith was taking my life right now. My heart felt distracted and not at peace. Between holidays and health and worries about the future, my footing felt weak and my vision was unclear. Life's road has been relatively smooth for us all in all but I wasn't feeling solid or comfortable. I confessed it and asked for God to open my eyes and my heart to His ways in my life. My journal reads it like this, "Help me to grow and to seek and to live in my faith and your faithfulness. I want to have old, full, fresh faith. Always. Constant. Never failing and always bearing fruit."

My next reading took me to Esther. Quite different from Revelations, the book of Esther doesn't even mention God but it clearly shows his hand at work. I knew this story well and I have always liked it, but as I read it this time, I heard an answer to my earlier request and struggles. In the words that I know like I know that old sweatshirt, "For such a time as this" said Esther 4. Right then and there I heard God reminding me that my faith, and the faith of all of us, is for right now. It's for the days we need to honor our spouses. It's for the snow days and the sick days and the sunny days. It's for the easy paths and the ones we would rather avoid. It's for the climbs up the mountains and the times when we are sinking deep. Esther's faith was old and steady and that day in her life, at that very moment, it was necessary to save the lives of her people. I heard God tell me that my faith needed to be like that red sweatshirt, old, worn, predictable, and constant. I need to wear it when I'm celebrating and when I'm filled with worry. It will get me through the coldest nights of my life and it will keep me through sunny breezes. Wherever I go, my faith goes too and it is necessary "for such a time as this" Whatever that time is! It is now, today! Somehow, yesterday's faith will still be fresh and necessary and enough for all the tomorrows yet to come. Just like Esther's and just like John's and just like that old sweatshirt, we have to wear our faith. We have to trust in it and rely on it and be comfortable to live all of life in it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. We need to know where it is and it needs to fit us in a moment's notice.  It might get a little threadbare in spots but it will never fail us.

As fate would have it, that same day, I heard a remake of a favorite old hymn of mine, Great is thy Faithfulness. In closing, I'm just going to write the words of it here. As you read the words, know that it is an old song meant for long ago and also meant "for such a time as this"-this very day and everyday. Let it warm you and wrap you up tight. Let it heal you and fill you with the great faithfulness of our God and may all of us find our faith to be old, full, fresh faith, perfect for such a time as this.

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father

There is no shadow of turning with Thee

Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be

Great is Thy faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest

Sun, moon and stars in their courses above

Join with all nature in manifold witness

To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love

Great is Thy faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth

Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside

Great is Thy faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness

Morning by morning new mercies I see

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me

The Red Trumpet (and a short introductory confession)

I need to make a confession. Or maybe a resolution. Maybe a confession that results in a resolution. Yep, that's it! I confess that I have had this blog on my heart for the last several months, I have had it on paper for over a month, and I have no excuse for why I haven't shared. I just haven't taken the time and the energy and I have felt less than confident about how much of myself to put out there lately. Not good reasons and yet the real ones. That being said, in my prayer time, I have resolved to share more regularly. I have decided that I want to be known as an obedient child of my living and active God and that requires actions and words and sharing real life. It's all out there now, so feel free to hold me accountable whenever you deem necessary. Now, onto the Red Trumpet.....
This year we have a trumpet player. Neither Ryan nor I were involved in the band, so this whole concept is new to us but we are always in support of trying something new. As school started, Parker began requesting we purchase his new trumpet. We questioned why a trumpet and not some other instrument. In true 11-year old reasoning, Parker made his decision on the instrument that his petite stature could easiest manage. As we shopped, we noticed not only several varying brands of trumpets but also several color options. Parker was psyched about this and kept pushing for a red trumpet. We said no. But, why not? Our answer was simple-you don't want to be known as the kid with the red trumpet. There are many things that you can be recognized for in life, don't let it be the color of your horn. This conversation about the appropriate trumpet color for our middle schooler morphed into a dozen more thoughts and conversations. What do we want to be known for? What should we represent? Where do we seek our value, our worth?
As I challenged my boys with this concept and these questions, I was equally convicted. I encouraged them to be known as lights in darkness. I want them to be bucket fillers and builder-uppers of the world around them. We have a saying of "choose joy" at our house. No matter the situation, you can always choose to see the good. I want my boys to love Jesus and love others and to be known as boys growing into godly men. I want them to be respectful and responsible in a world that doesn't always deserve it. I reminded them that we have other options.  We can be sarcastic, unkind, rude, lazy. We can be takers or givers in this world. I want them to be givers. 1 John 3:18-19 confirms these truths when it says,  "Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth, so we will be confident when we stand before God."  I desperately want my boys to feel confident in God's deep love for them. In return, I want them to be confident and sure in living that love out loud. Red trumpets are fine and fancy and great but I want us to be known as reflections and children of the King of Kings.
All of this was also very challenging to my own heart. I have found myself dissecting what exactly I, myself, am known for. Lots of kids will say they know me from church. I lead the kids' worship. I also sign my name with a "RN" afterward when I am working and so some folks know me as a nurse. There are still a few blessed folks who still call me a "Parker girl" and know me from my family. I am a wife, a mother, a friend to some. And yet, I know some would not say these things. I am convicted to say that some would say that I am not always kind and friendly. I know that my heart has been led too often by things like jealousy, selfishness, an, even occasionally, by anger. God forgive me.  This is not how I want to be known. As the discussion continued, my prayer journal and my Bible quickly became filled with red trumpet scribbles in the margins. God used a simple request by a 11-year old for a fun trumpet to show me ugliness that I have displayed for my world to see. I saw that I am not always reflecting my Jesus. I am not always choosing joy and promoting peace. "What am I know for?" became a daily reflection question and, quite honestly, sometimes I was ashamed of the answer. This "red trumpet" has become a new motto in my heart. I want to be known as a child of God and as on obedient disciple of his Word. It is a tall order and one that I fall short of all too frequently but I am a work in progress. My boys and I together are challenging each other to be known for goodness and righteousness and faithfulness. We want to reflect the God we serve who saved our very souls.
In closing, here is a prayer from my journal. The honest cries from a heart that loves and desires and struggles to live out the love I've been graciously given...Lord, let me be known as a source of love and, even, gentleness. (That second one is real hard for me!) Help me to be a safe and comfortable place for my tribe and my friends to visit and get encouragement. Let me seek you and then generously share you with the world around me. I love you and I want to be your light, your fruit, here in my world. In Jesus' name, amen.