Brokenness aside

Have you ever had a perfect day? I dream about this and hope for one. It will start with a warm bath and an especially productive quiet devotional time. I will make a delicious breakfast that all of my kids will love. They will all be hot lunch so there will be no rushing to get lunches packed. Garrett will get dressed, including undergarments. That alone would be enough for me, but it will continue on in this fashion. The Moffas won't be late. I won't even talk on the phone while I drive and I certainly won't go over the speed limit. I will think only positive things and pray for everyone who tempts me to do otherwise. It will be perfect.

The thing is, I have never had a day like this. I usually get out of my bath reminding at least one small person in my life that joy comes in the morning so if you aren't joyful then go back to bed and start over. We are always late and I finish dressing Garrett when I pull into wherever we are going, after I say good-bye to whoever I was talking to while I drove just slightly over the speed limit. I try hard and I pray daily that I will follow God's leading in every aspect of my life but I fail to be perfect constantly. I am broken.

I was listening to my radio in the car the other day and a song came on that reminded me of my brokenness and yours, all of ours. The chorus of the song goes like this,

I am a sinner 

If its not one thing its another 

Caught up in words 

Tangled in lies 

You are the Savior 

And you take brokenness aside

And make it beautiful.

Read it twice, drink up that reality. There is no perfect. If it isn't running late and being impatient, it will certainly be another. 

We are ending the school year with a bunch of evals for our Garrett and what that means to me as his mom is that I will get to sit in a room with a bunch of people who think they know my son. They will tell me all he doesn't do, all that he isn't.  I will nod when it is appropriate and try to not be defensive. I may smile and crack a joke or two. I will do my best to remind them of all he can do and has achieved but I will likely feel defeated at the end. Needless to say, I am not looking forward to the experience but songs like this remind me that the broken is beautiful in Christ. I can take my faults and failures, my son's test scores, my tendency to speed,  to the cross and He will make it beautiful. He takes all of me, all of each of us and makes it beautiful. I don't understand that kind of love, that kind of righteousness but I couldn't live without it. 

When I think of Christ's love and how it has transformed me in the past and his rich promises for the future I can keep going. There will still be frustrations, cold lunches, annoying people and forgotten joy but He will always be greater and more. He is my Savior and He is in the business of saving, brokenness aside. I may never have my perfect day but I will hope for it and work toward it. I will fail often and still be late most of the time but know that all my ugly, all my broken is beautiful and so is yours.

the covering

Ryan and I celebrated 11 years of marriage in March and so it naturally got me thinking romantic thoughts and made me feel a bit nostalgic. Our life in 11 years has grown and changed beyond what we ever could have imagined but I do love being married to him. In my quiet times I am reading through Exodus and toward the end I was getting a little bored and I almost switched to something more applicable but then God opened my eyes to something right there where I was.

After the excitement and drama of leaving Egypt, God begins to direct the Israelites in how to live and then in how to build His tabernacle. I have to admit that when I got to that part in chapter 25, I was feeling like a architect and not loving it but I pressed on. I was awestruck by the first set of plans He gave them. They were not for the altar, or the tents, or the lamp but for the Ark of Covenant, which would house the ten commandments,  and the atonement cover. He gave very specific instructions for what to us would be a lid and it changed me instantly. He wanted the covering to be made of gold and on top He said to put two angels facing each other with their wings spread above it, protecting it. This immediately brought to mind my marriage. I pictured Ryan and I as the angels and inside our ark would be our most precious gifts, our boys. I could see us facing each other united in our goal to protect and keep them from harm or hurt. In order to complete our assignment we have to stay facing each other, united and strong not only in our love for the gifts but also in our love for each other. I wrote down this enlightenment and shared it with Ryan and we both enjoyed the thought. Then, a few days later, I discovered another great insight. Not only did this sacred ark house the ten commandments but it was also where God spoke directly to Moses. When Moses chatted with the awesome I Am he did so through this container with the angel lid. How amazing is that?! I was once again moved that God was taking a moment to remind that we are not just husband and wife and mom and dad but that He is speaking to us through the gifts of our marriage and our kids. I find this true all the time. It is so often through my family that I hear God. It is not by accident that I am married to that man and that we have those kids. God arranged, ordained, and planned it perfectly because He is such a great gift giver.

Ryan and I are two very different people. My love language is acts of service. That is his last, almost impossible for him to do. I also like gifts and words of encouragement, my last is quality time. Guess what his first is? He loves to spend time just hanging out and I never do "nothing". I am constantly going. He loves naps. I get angry if I nap. He is quiet. I am not. With all this being said, God put us together as a sacred union. He made the two of us one. He speaks to us, through us, and needs us united in our marriage even when it seems like we are not enough.

In closing, I want to share that I hesitated in sharing this post. I argued with God for a solid week about it.  I don't want to set the impression that my marriage or any marriage is perfect but it is worth it and it is a very large part of where I see God working and I hear God speaking to me. The Ark of the Covenant was made of gold and for me I see that as God's hand in my marriage.  The Ark was kept in the Most Holy Place. I think God made a most holy place in my heart for Ryan and I am grateful that He keeps us always together working for Him and by His strength.

At the end of a hard day...

Today was such a hard day. There were many more lows than highs. As I write this, everyone is asleep and I feel almost too tired to rest. The struggles started at drop off at school and really didn't end until I laid beside my Garrett, rubbing his head, praying for rest and naming simple thanks of gratitude to God. I was grateful for the smell of fresh washed boys, for daddy sleeping, for tomorrows. I was just trying to get through those last moments and as tired tears rolled down my cheeks I was reminded of a moment last week that I will be grateful for for a long time.

 Last week we went to Panera and had lunch. The boys had the day off from school and Panera had a special cookie in honor of Autism Awareness so I felt like I was multitasking, a mommy date and supporting a great cause. The cookies had blue puzzle pieces on them and I explained to the boys what they were for. Carter said something that took me back for a second. He said that the cookies had a puzzle piece because Garrett is like a puzzle missing a piece. That thought hurt my heart a bit. We have tried to educate the boys on autism and what it is and what it means but even that is not enough. Carter's innocent statement reminded me that so often we see people with special needs and we feel they are missing something or not quite enough. I took the opportunity to remind the boys that Garrett is not missing anything. He is perfect and loved and complete. I told them that at times Garrett feels like a complicated puzzle with a lot of pieces and difficult edges but he is missing nothing. Later the topic came up again and one of the boys said that they wished autism would become extinct. I let that thought settle inside me a little and surprised myself by being thankful for all of Garrett, even his autism. I wouldn't want to imagine a day without him just the way he is. His quirkiness, his full range of emotions, his belly laugh, if he wasn't autistic he wouldn't be him. I don't know when God caused my heart to rejoice in the hardness of life but I am so grateful for it. Anytime we can be grateful for that which is difficult we know that is a God thing.

Even on the bad days, even on the down swing, I will give thanks. Today wasn't great and there are no guarantees for tomorrow to be better but I will keep working this puzzle called life.  Complicated or not, it is mine and I really wouldn't want it different. I am grateful for conversations over cookies, for gentle reminders for all of us, for hope. I will be thankful in ALL circumstances and I am especially thankful that with God there really are no missing pieces.