I've got the joy down in my heart

One of Garrett's favorite songs is a contemporary version of one that I remember from my youth, "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart". He sings it frequently and loudly and we all enjoy it. The funny thing is that, having joy, not being frustrated, angry, or disagreeable is one of his biggest struggles. The not-so-funny part is that it drives this mama crazy at times. With my older boys I have worked very hard to teach them self-control and how to handle themselves appropriately. This concept feels almost impossible to instill in Garrett. I feel like when he heads down the road toward a meltdown there is no going back or even stopping him. It can be embarrassing, unpredictable, and inconvenient. Lately, his teachers and Ryan and I have been diligently trying to find methods to help him understand how to express his frustrations appropiately. Knowing how much he loves letters and spelling, I started defining and explaining joy by spelling it, J-O-Y.  I have been using it as a sort of catch phrase to help him understand his feelings and understand what I would like for him to feel and how I would like for him to behave. I feel like it is helpful but not just for him. It has been a bit of catalyst for all of us to find joy and keep it throughout our day. I thought it might be fun to share some of my recent "joys" with you and to encourage you to find your own.

My first has to be one of my favorite things ever. One evening this week while we were doing our advent devotionals, we were discussing heaven and what we might say to Jesus when we finally get to meet him some day. Carter, our middle son, is often a bit flighty and funny and when it was his turn to answer he said, "I think I will say, Jesus, were you born in a barn or something?". I almost choked on my coffee, I laughed so hard. I will, hopefully, remember this forever and maybe even steal his line when I am called home.

Another joy was my husband's guitar playing last week. This is absolutely not to be shared with him because I work very hard at not enjoying the constant strumming that my husband tortures me with. Last week, however, he was practicing a rather difficult acoustic version of O Holy Night. He probably played it no less than 15 times every evening, including while I was brushing my teeth. On Sunday he played the song during communion and so this week he has not been practicing that particular song. The thing is, and this is never to get back to him, I actually miss the song. It became the background music to my week and it kept me focused on the holiness of the season instead of the struggles. Ryan, his guitar, and a song are one of my joys, but, really, don't tell him!

The next one brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. We have, unfortunately, had a couple of people recently pass on during this Christmas season. It is always a difficult thing for me to discuss with the kids and so one day after school I dreaded sharing with them the passing of one of my aunts. The boys and I had visited her and they enjoyed getting to know her and my hope was that they wouldn't struggle with the situation. When I told them their reaction was unpredicted. They started talking about how jealous they were of her. She gets to spend Christmas in Heaven! Carter, once again with his famous one liners said, "I mean imagine the party in heaven on Christmas!" They were pretty sure that my aunt was preparing for a celebration like no other along with all the saints. The faith of my kids brings me joy.

Lastly, I can't not share about my Garrett's Christmas program. It was on a Friday morning and I found myself sitting in the front row of a gym full of family members waiting for our little ones. The thing was, that I felt alone and anxious. I wondered if I was the only mom in the room afraid that my son wouldn't do it or would loose it during the production. I kept looking at the stage noticing the brightness of lights and all the different sounds and I couldn't help but anticipate the worst. When it came time for his class, I said a little prayer and held my breath, then, there, toward the end of line was my boy. He was taking it all in, I could tell, but he was doing ok. When the music started I looked around for the fastest exit to take if he needed out, but there was no need. He spotted me, waved, and then proceeded to sing and dance like a rockstar. He added his own little quirks in there but to me, he was the brightest star on the stage. I had tears in my eyes and joy in my heart over what to others may not have seemed like much, but to me was monumental, Garrett, in his first school program, a dream I was afraid to even imagine.

This joy-noticing or gratitude-counting is not new to me. In recent years, it has become my constant conversation with my Father. He blesses and I, purposefully, take note of it. Sometimes, it is in the things my boys say. Sometimes, it is in the quietness of a moment. Sometimes, it is in the storm, but always, there is a blessing. I read something in my quiet time recently that summed it up so sweetly for me. It was a devotional about the barren older woman named Sarah from the Bible who God blessed with a very late-in-life baby boy. When  Sarah found out about God's unconventional plan for her life, she laughed. The devotional went on to say that laughter from God is like "oxygenated grace". It certainly is for me. When I feel like I drowning in life, there is nothing more precious to save my soul than joy from above. It reaches under the waves and draws me back up. My focus returns to my Jesus, where it always needs to be. I am thankful for laughter, for joy, and my prayer is that it will always be "down in my heart" but also overflowing in my life to those around me.

Holiday hassles and Hope

"The Holidays", what does this bring to mind for you? The potlucks, the parties, the presents, or not? I have to admit that my thoughts are a bit different. I love the potlucks, the parties and the presents but, as with all things, the holidays can be a struggle for those of us with a special needs child. I often feel like my already stretched existence gets tugged even thinner as I attempt to do it all during the holiday season while anticipating that Garrett may not participate at all. The lack of schedule, the crowds, the busy-ness and emotional highs of this time of year are not easy for him to adapt to. When you need stability and predictability, this season is frightening and exhausting. What everyone around you thinks is fun, is hot and loud and just too much for my little man. It becomes a game of sorts where Ryan and I take turns trying to get him though the transitions all the while maintaining some level of enjoyment for everyone involved. Garrett has slept through parties, yelled at the wrong times, and refused to open presents on more than one occasion. Let me give you a few examples.

This Thanksgiving was a very special one for our family because my brother and his family were in to visit for the week. All of my boys deeply love my niece so the week was filled with playing games, sleepovers, and lots of fun. Garrett was doing great but by Thursday, he was beginning to get a little rough around the edges. When we arrived at my parent's house, he did fine for the first little bit but as more people began to come, he slowly started to unravel. He ended up in time out for unkind talk and after several failed attempts by me and my complete loss of patience, Ryan took over. The solution was to put Garrett back in a bedroom, lights out, covers pulled up tight, until he could keep his cool. It took about a half hour and then he joined back in the festivities but we still had to play by his rules some. With Garrett we don't stress what he eats but that he sits at the table and engages for a few minutes. He doesn't have to say what he is thankful for or close his eyes and bow his head during the family prayer, he just has to try to use kind words to his cousins. It is all a process, a delicate sort of dance. Everyone, from Garrett, to me and Ryan and the boys, to the other cousins, we all make exceptions.

Another example was last Christmas. Christmas eve went over fairly well. Garrett didn't engage as much at the Christmas eve family party but we could blame it on tiredness. He lasted almost through the stockings before he started to cave on Christmas morning. It was one of those moments where you just turn off the camera because it is not video worthy. We continued to take turns with the older boys opening their gifts and eventually, after lots of help, Garrett had all of his presents opened. He, of course, didn't like what we thought he would and wanted, instead, to play with Carter's legos and Parker's k'nex roller coaster with about a thousand pieces between them but we kept him calm and stayed relatively relaxed ourselves. We let him take his necessary breaks and even threw in a bath with some sensory input and then headed off to open presents with my family. Things didn't go well there. G was done and over the whole thing. He ended up in a different room than everyone else. About every hour one of my siblings or my parents would attempt to engage him enough that he would open up their gift to him. There were very few thank yous, except the forced ones. There were lots of tears and tantrums but thankfully we made it through. Ryan and I  once again took turns and we let him slip into his jammie pants and handle things the way he could. Always an adaption but it is what we have to do.

My last example is from tonight. I have learned to set my expectations lower, so as we all gathered to do our first advent devotional my main goal was to engage the big boys and keep the candle lit for more than a minute before G blew it out, a never ending problem we fought with last year. To Garrett, a lite candle needs blown out. We started talking about worship and I gave Garrett a paper to write on in an effort to keep him focused. He joined into the conversation and actually gave appropiate examples of fun Christmas songs and worship Christmas songs. He hung around to hear the scripture reading and then we prayed and he thanked God for his favorite board game. I had one more reading that I had not even planned on but when I looked up and noticed that the candle was still burning I grabbed it up and we discussed the hope of the advent season. After all was completed, I leaned across the table and blew the flame out in awe of the hope that God has given me. Our little family, including G had made it through an entire devotional time without any issues or major distractions.

The holidays can be stressful for me. I want everyone to enjoy and understand the reason for the season and the excitement of it all. Like with all of life with autism, there are exceptions but there are the moments when hope wins. I am hopeful that every year will get easier. I am hopeful that Garrett will someday have a real life relationship with the baby Jesus who we celebrate. I am hopeful that he will love parties and presents and potlucks. I am hopeful that even if he doesn't, God will get us through it. The holidays are full of hassles but also overflowing with hope.