Was it enough?

This question has been on my mind lately. Was it enough?  Am I enough? Am I a good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter? Did I spend enough time with the people that matter? Did I teach my boys enough kindness? Did I show them enough kindness? Did I discipline enough? Did I love enough?  Am I respecting my husband enough and loving him enough? Was I sufficient in being what God wanted me to be? Or am I failing in someway? And finally, how will I know?

When I sent my two oldest off to school with well wishes, full backpacks, and new shoes, I found myself wondering if they were making new friends. If they were good friends? I hope they know the difference between right and wrong and that they always choose right. I am hoping they are confident and yet humble, sweet and yet strong. How would they fare in that big crazy world? Did I prepare them enough? Would they be ok?

When I sent my G-man out into the unknown universe of kindergarten I had the same fears and more. Seven hours without me, would he be ok? Would he feel overwhelmed? Would he act out or remember to hold his hands tight and count backwards? Would he be kind and would others be kind to him? Would he laugh or be laughed at? We work so hard for every milestone but, really, was it enough? Was I enough? And, still, how will I know?

I have a friend who I meet with regularly to share life with. We have laughed and cried and grown together and she knows me well. The other day she asked me an important counter-question to these crazy worries of mine. I was sharing about a parenting study that I am doing and how challenging it is and, also, about a book on marriage that I was reading and she asked me if anything was ever "good enough" for me. I am a perfectionist down deep and she saw where the root of the struggle was. It was the standard, the one I couldn't clearly define and yet I strived after like it would somehow save me. I went home from our conversation humbled and took my sorry self to the throne room. I have spent the last week or so asking God to show me how to stop the cycle and where to find my peace. This morning He reminded of  a great verse from Proverbs that has long been a favorite of mine. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." I am not in charge. In truth, I will never be enough and that is ok because He is more than enough. He made me and knew me long before I was even born and He loves me anyway, just the way I am. He knows and loves my boys in a way that even I can't comprehend. I have also realized that this is a lesson that my boys need to see me live and love them with as well. I want them to know that they are always enough for me. That I will always love and cherish them, no matter what. I decided that it is all about how I define "enough". If it is defined by my boys behavior than I will fail because they will fail. They will not always be kind. They will not always choose right. Garrett will throw fits and forget his joy.  If I define "enough" by the kind of wife I am then on at the days when the laundry stays in the basket(s) and dinner is not restaurant worthy, I have failed. If I define "enough" by the type of friend, sister, or daughter that I am then when I neglect a phone call or a prayer request, I have failed. That is reality but, rest assured, God is always enough and is always ready to graciously help us on our way through life. Sometimes I need to learn to let go and let it be. Ok, most of the time I need to do this. God is in control, I just have to trust Him to steer. He knows the directions because He mapped out the course and so there is no risk of getting lost or failing. He is the standard and He is the measurer and I can graciously lean against Him and be "enough".  My "enough" is only and always found in Him. The definition of "enough has to be the only one who knows all and loves us anyway.

I often find that when God is teaching me a lesson, He sees fit to show me his Truth in the lives of my boys. This time it was with Garrett's hair. Garrett struggles with a lot of things that the rest of us take for granted, one of those things is haircuts. When he needs a haircut, Ryan and I both want to run and hide. It takes hours to give a basic, haphazard buzzcut. There are tears from all of us, bribing, disciplining, you name it. It is a painful family event. It tends to take us a week or so before we gather the strength and courage needed for such a traumatic experience and this past week or so was no different. We finally opted for something new and I trimmed around Garrett's ears and neck while he was asleep one night. Obviously, this was not a professional or perfect cut and for the next few days I felt like everyone who saw my boy had to notice his unique hairdo. Then I got a message from another friend of mine. Her little brother is in G's class and she wanted to share with me that her brother had been a bit obsessed with Garrett's hair. She said that he couldn't get over how nice his "swoop" was. He wanted his like it and he wanted her to check it out because it was so awesome. Isn't that just God's way? My not "enough", what I saw as failure or imperfect, was downright admirable to a 5-year old. It's all depends on the standard.

I am not enough and, actually, I never will be, but I have a Father who calls me to lean hard into Him so that He can show me the way. He doesn't need me to do anything perfect. He doesn't expect me to. He doesn't want me to be in charge and call the right shots or map out the course. That is His job. What great news! I can just enjoy the view on this crazy trip called life. He is the standard, but He measures in grace, and there is always enough of that to go around.


*As a side note, my lovely sister, who is a professional, fixed Garrett's haircut and we all love his "swoop" now.

Parker is 9...Do not delay!

Have you ever had one of those moments where some word, phrase, scripture, saying, thought, -something pops into your head and you are certain it is from God? You can't say how you know it but it is just settled in your spirit that God is getting your attention in that moment. Likely there wasn't  flashing lightning or thunder or great heavenly lights shining, just you hearing Him. I had a couple of those moments recently. One was in the car on our way for a weekend of skiing. We were driving along through some of God's most beautiful country and I was praying and reading and feeling peacefully blessed when plain as day I heard God say to my heart, "Parker is 9". My first thought was in agreement. "Yes, Lord, he is 9 and I am glad we both remember his age today"! Then I dug deeper and wondered why God was reminding me of this. Quickly my thoughts turned to those of fear. As I began contemplating his age and how he is growing up fast, I felt my heart constrict and my mom- grip tighten on my boys. I started thinking back to when I was 9 and before long I was trying to calm my racing heart. You see, when I was 9 was when my eyes and heart were first opened to sin and the hurt that it can cause. Certain circumstances that year in my life changed me forever. I was still a sweet, innocent, blond-haired, blue-eyed smiley child on the outside, but on the inside my innocence was marred. In my panic, I looked to Ryan with tears in my eyes and told him my concerns. I explained to him that Parker was 9 and when he questioned the significance of that, I went on to tell him that my first memory of hurt as a child happened when I was 9. Parker is 9 and Carter will be there all too soon.  How were we going to protect our growing boys? How could we stop time? What was our plan and, lastly, why did God want me to struggle with this?

I found no peace for a couple of days despite the fact that I was covering my concerns in prayer until Sunday morning. I was worshipping at church when yet another "word" was spoken to my heart. A line from one of the songs stopped me in my tracks. It was "do not delay". Something about that phrase silenced my song and sank deep into my spirit. I couldn't say exactly why but I know those words were meant for me. Over the next few days God showed me how Parker being 9 and not delaying were exactly what this mama needed to hear.

It took a week of pondering and praying and living life before it all came together. Over the following week a couple of things happened. First, I took a step of faith in service and ministry. It was one that a part of me resisted to take. I had lots of good reasons to say no; like busyness, or bad timing, or fear but, "do not delay". I sensed that God wanted me to say yes, so I followed through and said yes. The next was a career opportunity. Not even to the interview stage yet, but I was ready to walk away, because I am not great with change and wasn't sure if we were ready as a family. Not a sure thing, but a step, possibly an open door. Both took shedding my fear and anxieties and saying, "if you want, Lord" and not delaying.

Then I was sick and it all tied together. We had snow days and sleds needed ridden but I couldn't do it. My body was fevered and tired and done. So I bundled up my boys and sent them out without me. The 9 year old was actually sick too and was stuck inside with mommy but the other two, not known for getting along always, headed out to enjoy the cold. As I watched from the window, occasionally cracking it open to yell at the dog or remind them to watch for cars, I saw my boys growing up. I saw Carter volunteering to carry Garrett's sled up the hill. I heard encouraging words and laughing. Garrett loved going fast and Carter seemed to embrace helping him do just that. Carter was nurturing but not overbearing like usual and they played for hours without injury or issue. That was when I found my peace, reflecting on that. Yes, Parker is 9. He may know sin more clearly as he grows. All of my boys are breaking free from my cocoon and they will feel the joy and the conflict associated with that experience. They will feel pain. They will fail. They will survive. I can't delay what God wants me to do as a person and I can't delay what He wants me to do as a mom. I have to let them grow and go and to be whoever He wants them to be. I can't say no just because of my fear or my own past. Obedience and trust are not just relegated to our ministry or our careers. We have to trust and obey with our babies too. We can't delay their growing. The upswing is that I also don't have to delay my loving them either. I can do that as much as I am able. Eventually, like all good sled-riding adventures, there was a crash. I will admit that I was almost relieved to shove my feet into my boots and drag my weary body out there to hold and hug away the hurt like only a mom can.

 Looking back, I am abundantly grateful for being 9. It was a year that changed my life in good and bad ways. I am also glad that my God didn't delay. He kept going and growing me into today. He still doesn't delay in making me more of who He wants me to be. Parker is 9, next he will be 10. Carter will catch up with his brother in too short of a time. Garrett will graduate kindergarten. They won't always want me to sing our song at night and, eventually, they will outgrow my lap. They will know good, and they will know evil, and they may hurt from time to time, but ,God will heal and help. Just like my parents have always been there for me, whether I was 9 or 30, I will be there for my boys as long as God allows. I can't stop them before they get to those double-digits or before they lose their first friend. We can't delay it. We just have to have faith that keeps growing right alongside us. This week reminded me  that even though I may not be a little 9 year old girl anymore, I still have a gracious Father in heaven who will gladly hold me until my tears dry and fears subside. He will not delay in His love and neither will I.