Secrets....we all have them. The things we don’t want exposed, the things we don’t tell others, maybe things we don’t even tell ourselves. My pastor recently said that secrets are Satan’s doorway into your life, his little crack to get into your being, your soul, and work his ugliness. Secrets wound and are themselves wounds and yet we all hide them and protect them with our very lives. I hate secrets, but also have some of my own. I’m a horrible liar but struggle with trusting in the Truth that sets us free. My word of the 2020 is TRUTH. I’ve never chosen a word of the year before but when I was praying recently, I felt very strongly that God wanted me sift through and settle in on truth for a good long time. Truth and secrets are opposites and yet, not, in so many ways. You see secrets, to me, are often still truth, just a truth that we turn into a weapon. I was recently reading a book about marriage and a certain part stuck out to me. The author was describing past or present hurts as a sunburn on our back that someone has just slapped in greeting. We react strongly and negatively to our secrets because they’re not healed over yet, like a fresh sunburn. But how do we heal them? I think it’s in the sharing. Darkness is always overcome by light and secrets lose their power when we share them, say them, write them, uncover them somehow and some way. Then they are no longer secrets. 

Recently I was experiencing a little ebb in the ebb and flow of life. I have felt it all over, in my parenting, in my marriage, in all my relationships and activities. Ryan kind of called me out on it, since I seemed to be constantly picking arguments with him and being overly defensive and, suddenly, I felt that sunburn sting. The sunburn being slapped made me scowl at first. I wanted to roar and fight and defend but I instead agreed. I admitted my struggle, just a little, in a short but very honest text. I let the truth free me from chains and asked him to stay close to me, not pull away, even when I was pushing hard. I can’t put into words how much lighter that left me. I still felt my inner turmoil but now it had a name and I had a weapon against it and a partner! The darkness had some light on it and it helped it to heal! 

Then last week, I discovered another side of secret that was more encouraging. It was tucked sweetly away in a well-known and precious verse in Jeremiah. Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Did you catch it in there? HE knows, not me or you! I was discussing this verse with my kiddos and suddenly, I realized that I don’t know His plans for my boys, only God knows and he’s keeping it on the down-low. It’s a secret. Of course, I have hopes and dreams and I need to be present and purposeful in my parenting but I don’t get to write the story. Not for me. Not for my boys. My devotional put it so beautifully, “Your future looks uncertain, even precarious. This is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things”. The main difference between the two types of secrets are one is hidden in the dark and the other is kept and formed and held in the hand of the Light. Light-ened secrets are good and hopeful and right. Dark secrets are desperate, desperate for light and for release. One truth that I see in myself is that I need to know the difference and light up the dark, not just for myself but for my boys and the world I’m in. I'm not sure of the how always but I do know that I will find my darkest places and let the Light bring truth and freedom to them.

 I love to share truths and be honest and share my heart to people but I still have secret parts of my story that I keep closer. I don’t know how to not do that but I do know that when I let some of it out, maybe just to a few people, maybe just a tad at a time, I find healing and wholeness. This year I am working toward and asking God for his Truth and how to apply it to my life. I want healing over wounds. I desire light in the darkness. I am certain that the Truth really does set free. So let’s light up the world and share some secrets!

**It is worth noting that it took me approximately 2 weeks and 400 attempts to figure out the password to this account which Ryan had apparently changed. Unfortunately, he was keeping it a secret from even himself! More proof that secrets (and new passwords) should always be shared!