The next morning I felt myself still wrestling with worry over the situation. I had been trying to diligently pray and let go for weeks, but the struggle was very real, not only was my child scared, but I was too. As I sat doing my devotional that morning I kept going back to those anxious thoughts, wondering why God gave him feet that ached and was I making the right choice for his little body. How could surgery ever be the best option and why couldn't he just have normal feet? I questioned if it would all really be ok, that is what I was telling him but how was I to believe it in my own heart. As I washed dishes and stared out the window at the trampoline in the back, all I could think of was the unfairness of it all. Then God spoke to me. He reminded me that walking, with or without a limp, in this life was not the walking that I needed to concern myself with for my boys. My greatest desire is really for them to walk closely and firmly rooted and established with their Savior, all other walking is in vain. Naturally, I want Parker's body to heal whole and well but, more than that, more than anything else, I want him to take his every step, his every decision, his every breath with Jesus. I can rub his feet. I can hold his hand. I can buy him insoles and even, sign off for surgery. I can pray with him and try to help him in many ways, but his heart, his future is not in my control. My Parker knows his Lord and it is Jesus who is his true comfort and healer, not me. It is the the paths that the Lord has for him that I want him to walk in. I want his feet and his faith to rest solidly in Jesus and His ways, not my own.
Psalm 40:1-3 says this,
Oh that this would be my hope, my cry for Parker, for all my boys, for my own soul. No matter what we face or what we fear, He is with us. He never leaves us. He never forsakes us. He never leads us down wrong paths and He always walks beside us. Let us wait and trust. He will take the pain and turn it into praise. He will steady us as we walk sure on solid ground. Let us sing a new song and may others see what He has done and be amazed.
I will be tucking that little boy into bed tonight. I will have to remind him several times to take his allergy medicine and brush his teeth. I will go to the room that he shares with his brother and we will chat and pray and for our devotional, I will read them this verse. I will pray it and hold tightly to it and we will rest in certain hope that we can sing a new song as we walk steady and safe in the ways of our Lord.