I am a control freak. Anyone else out there agree? I love to be in charge and know what to expect and that success is guaranteed. I like to have my say, and say what I think, and I usually think I am right. This is just me being honest. With that being said, I have realized that I really control nothing. I attempt to live my life trusting in next steps that I can't see. You can see this in my not-ever-clean-enough house, my multiple to do lists on my phone, and, most assuredly, in my kids. I am working hard to give all over to the the Giver of All and not snatch it back with worry. Being a mom to an autistic child is one of the most uncontrollable circumstances that I could ever have imagined. I so often feel like I can't control or predict anything from his moods, to his needs, to his future but I also realize that I don't need to. I joke and say that I have a rich prayer life because I have to constantly ask for patience. Really, I have a rich prayer life because my God has proven himself over and over. He always hears, always answers, is always in control. He may not always answer on my schedule or even on my side but He is always right and, for that, I am grateful. Let me give you a few examples...
I pray for green lights when I'm late (which is often) and I love to hear my kids say from the backseat, "Thank you Jesus for green".
I pray for "fast days". Whether at work or school, we all hate days that drag and Carter has "best days ever" quite often.
I pray for me not to forget to call my mother in law and pick up glasses.
I pray for Walmart lines to be short or at least for me to be sweet regardless.
I pray for us to always "do our best and forget the rest".
I pray for kind words and kind actions from us and others.
I pray for sleep, maybe even past 5am and am always abundantly grateful no matter what time I am aroused.
I pray for my niece and nephews, brothers and sisters (in laws included).
I pray for my worship to be sincere and for His glory.
I pray for eyes to see and ears to understand.
I pray for my boys' future wives to love Jesus and me.
I have prayed for job opportunities, for friends, for forgiveness, for grace.
Last year, I prayed because I wanted to hold Garrett back a year from Kindergarten. I was worried that he wasn't ready. I prayed about it for a long time, sought wise counsel, trusted in the answers that I was given and he rocked kindergarten out (or at least survived) thanks to some awesome people who God placed in his life.
I pray on the way to school and work and baseball games.
I have prayed for open doors and closed doors.
I have prayed, "God, please no" and then I have rejoiced when he said "yes"
This week I walked down the school hall toward an IEP meeting praying. Praying for grace to hear and speak and praying with gratitude for God's hand on my littlest man's life. The answers were too sweet for mere words. The kind and encouraging things that were said about G blew me away. I sat next to his first grade teacher and marveled that even though I didn't even know her name until the day before school, God had been working her into our life all along. I so struggled with letting go and letting God again this year, but as I sat at that table, I had to hold in my wonder at how He had it in the bag all along. The people who He lets in my G's life appreciate his strengths, recognize his weaknesses, most importantly, don't stress his quirks. They even dig them. I honestly believe that they genuinely care for him. This is what I prayed for and this is why I pray.
I believe strongly in prayer. I believe in the scripture in Matthew 7:7 that says, "Ask and it shall be given to you. Seek and you shall find". If we don't ask, we can't ever know what the answer would be and I trust that my Father in heaven only wants to give me good gifts. It might not always be easy and look like I think it should but He is purposeful in all things and loves to be talked to. Prayer is my conversation with the one who knows me best and yet still loves me. Life is best lived when it is covered in prayer.
None of the things I pray for are in my control, nor do I want them to be. I could not have orchestrated any of it even if I had tried. God has also made me wait and trust and obey. When I enrolled G in his school, I knew just one teacher in the whole building, granted, I knew she was a rockstar at her job but it was a step of faith for me and all I could do was pray. Which is the point, really, the only thing that is needed from me is to keep praying and walking in faith. Keep bending the knee, whispering the requests, and rejoicing in the answers.
I pray that I will always remember who is in control and that He knows best. I pray that we all will.
