Routinely throughout the year, we get these forms from Garrett's teachers. They are notes based on his education plan and the goals that we have set and they have options like "met", "not met", "satisfactory", and "in process". The forms are filled in by his teachers and I make an effort to open the envelope and read through them. Most often the box is check marked "in process". Two simple words that pack so much meaning. G ( and maybe a few of us) is a work in progress. He hasn't fully mastered lots of things in life from group interaction, to handwriting (God bless his handwriting), to managing his impulsivity. Recently while I was listening to a particularly good sermon, our pastor used the same term to describe our christian walk, in process, not perfect or complete but somewhere along the way, and then a book that I am really enjoying right now talked about the period of time in life where we are preparing for the next adventure, trial, or experience in life. "In process" isn't necessarily fun in my eyes. Preparation means hard work to my ears. I am more of a "met" or "satisfactory" kind of girl but let me tell you that I am in a period of life where I most definitely have felt like God is "in the process" of something.
Often G gets the "in process" mark across the board; socially, academically, emotionally, developmentally. I, too, feel it across the board. I feel it physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. A few months ago, I felt a stirring. I felt that God was working something in me and, to be honest, it wasn't a something that I was super comfortable with. I felt my weaker parts being exposed and worked on but I didn't allow myself to resist it because I know God's work is always good and I could also very much feel His peace when I would allow Him in and let Him fill me with it. I felt the things I thought I knew for certain becoming uncertainties and my comfort zone being washed away and expanded. I felt myself losing, instead of gaining and it weighed on me. Lonely but not lost, I tried to surrender and rest and trust but the path has seemed unclear and a little daunting. I really prefer to be a conquerer, victorious and strong, and I view myself as a very capable and able person but in reality I am just a work in process and preparation is a necessary evil.
God has shown me recently little things and big things that he has been working on and molding and shaping and preparing and I have felt both blessed and stressed by all of it. The work of God sometimes involves big changes and conquering those major fears and anxiety inducers and I really try to avoid that type of work. When I think of my story, I feel like I have enough of the hard to live the rest of my life in the soft (ish). I like predictable and known and, let's be real, confidence that I can do it. Lately, God has asked me to remain faithful when He takes away the easy and known. It's the big and the little, G had an amazing teacher at the first of the year. She totally got him and loved him and he was doing excellent, then she took another position and we had subs for months. Every day new faces and unknowns and G and I felt the pains of the process. We have always loved our community, our town, our church, and our little slice of the world. Sometimes though your world shifts just enough that you see the ugly and the hard and the the pretty loses its luster. Sometimes the process, the preparing means seeing the things you thought you knew for sure differently, accepting change and disappointment and different life paths. I hate change but what if God is preparing me for a change, I need to let him work the process. I need to accept the growth and preparation for whatever life might bring. Even my quiet times have become different. I used to feel like God and I just picked up where we left off each morning but recently I have been feeling the pull to walk His path, not necessarily the one I had started down. At first I felt afraid and almost wanted to avoid it, as if that is even possible. My prayers have shifted from thanks and assuredness to prayers for peace and an obedient heart. I have had to look directly at my weaknesses, my sinful ways, my ugly wrongness, and even my fears, but I have seen them covered in grace. God doesn't want me or any of us to be incomplete or less than. He wants to work in my weakness, then show me how very capable He is and He wants to use my sin and my hurt to prepare me for a victorious battle. I want to live and love as He has planned for me, even if I can't always clearly see what the destination going to look like.
Just a couple of weeks ago, I ran a half marathon. Running a drive-able distance is something I never felt tempted to do for several reasons, the training takes too much time, I wouldn't have a partner to do it all the time, and, to be frank, what if I failed. The funny thing is that God used the entire experience to highlight all those fears and insecurities and process them into something awesome. The training time actually ended up being just a tad bit more than what I normally do and I really enjoyed the running and pushing myself beyond my norm. I not only trained alone but ended up running the actual race alone, except I really wasn't alone. I have had the best runs listening to worship music or enjoying my audible book. I have prayed and praised and connected with God in new and beautiful ways that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. When race day came, the only real uncertainty was could I actually do it. I had my friend for this one, which was a comfort and I was as ready as I was going to be. Also it wasn't raining or snowing, so prayers had already been answered. Mile 6 is where it got real for me. Somehow I had lost my friend in the masses. I was alone, running, running far. I turned my music on to distract me and focus me and God just filled my head and my heart with this amazing sense of BOOM (thats our family word for fantastic awesomeness). I looked around and put my hands in the air and let a few rouge tears drip down my cheeks. I thanked God that I was alone with just him, on this unknown trail, that I still had a long ways to go but I could trust that He would get me across the finish line. I thanked him that I was so very weak and unable unless I was running life's race with him and then I kept going. 13 miles worth of prayer and praise and peace. Do you know that I even missed the finish line? They had to call me back because I had made the next turn and was ready to keep going. My process didn't seem finished to me. I was and am still going. This prep work, it hurts somedays, makes me want to cry, gives me butterflies in my belly, feels unknown, but wherever the path leads, and however I have to get there, I trust hat God is strong enough. He will lead me and help me run without getting weary. I am weak but He is strong and He loves me too much to leave me where he doesn't want me or to let me remain unprepared.
I guess really, if life had progress notes, I would appreciate receiving them in a little yellow envelope. I would open it up and enjoy seeing the box marked "in process". I would let it remind me that I still have a LONG way to go in this race called life but that God knows where the trail leads and what lies around the next bend. He will prepare and go before and beside me no matter what.
