Let me tell you all a little bit about myself, I am a stellar disconnector. I wasn't always aware that I had this uncanny ability but not long after joining Ryan in wedded bliss, I discovered "the silent treatment". I could win a gold medal in this event! I am epic at nodding and making eye contact, all while pretending my opponent doesn't really exist in my world. I will neither admit or deny to being able to survive multiple days of not speaking to those that I love if they so deserve it. The trouble of this is that somehow I have started using this in all areas of my life. When things start to rub me wrong, when I get jealous, or prideful, or hurt, or angry, I simply shut down. A few years ago, around the time of Garrett's diagnosis, I just silently stepped out of some friendships. All of a sudden things felt hard for me and I decided to shut myself off a bit, make my circle smaller. I later recognized my behavior for what it was, my embarrassment and fear, and have since reconciled those relationships but it took me entirely too long to make amends with myself. I will sometimes find myself doing this to my own kids. They will start to try my patience and I will just sort of pretend they aren't really in my space, sharing my oxygen, desiring my attention. My oldest already attempts to get me back by talking more and more and more. It is both sad and funny and his incessant words will eventually break down my barrier or send me to my room with a good book. I also find that I do this with my Savior. Recently, I was feeling a little hurt and a lot of stubbornness in a couple of different relationships. I knew what I should do and I knew what I wanted to do and I chose the latter. I simply avoided, ignored, and disconnected. It was justifiable. It was necessary. It was wrong. The worst part was that the more I felt conviction over it, the less I spoke with my Convictor. I avoided praying and reading and even thinking about God because he was not on my side. I had my quiet times. I listened to my worship music. I even did devotionals with my kids but I also disconnected myself as much as possible. I refused to let my Savior anywhere near my soul, at least for a little bit.
By definition, to disconnect is to break the connection of or between. When I feel I have been wronged or when I'm frustrated, hurt, or annoyed, it feels good and appropriate to disengage. Why continue arguing? Why put myself out there to be hurt more? Why not separate myself from what is bothering me? The answer, I have discovered over the last few days, is simple, we are made to be in relationship, with each other and, certainly, with God. We are created by and for and dependent upon connections. The harsh, honest, hard answer is that life is not all about me. In fact, when trying to live a life of faith, it kind of never is. There is a part of me, the fleshly part of me, that wants to think that in separating, in refusing to engage, I win and I will be better, but that part is always wrong. It is selfish and it is wrong, especially when I do this with my Lord. He is the Vine and I am the branch. All of my nourishment, all of my strength, all of my life, comes from Him. He is the Light and without Him, I feel the darkness. At first, I can justify and it doesn't feel too bad but soon I feel lost and alone and ugly on the inside. The same thing happens if I try this in my other relationships. It doesn't feel good and right to cut off myself from my kids and my husband and my friends. It doesn't heal. Instead it hurts, divides, and wounds.
In praying about this, God showed me some wonderful insight in a devotional that I have been going through. Here is a excerpt from it, "When your sins weigh heavy upon you, come to me...Stay in the light of My Presence, receiving forgiveness, cleansing, and healing. Remember that I have clothed you in My righteousness, so nothing can separate you from me...Man's (or Rachel's) tendency is to hide from his sin, seeking refuge in the darkness. There he indulges in self-pity, denial, righteousness, blaming, and hatred. But I am the Light of the world, and My illumination decimates the darkness. Come close to Me and let My Light envelop you, driving out the darkness and permeating you with Peace." Wow! Doesn't that just feel like a big heavenly hug. God never leaves us and always, always desires relationship with us. Hiding in ourselves, we will only be enveloped in our own selfish darkness. The scripture reading for that day was from Psalm 32:1-5 and here is a part of it..."When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy on me, my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged (spoke) my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity......and You forgave the guilt of my sin". God knows my stubbornness all too well and really beat his point into the ground. I get it! I need to speak, talk, share, stay connected. But not just me, we all do.
In closing, here is a prayer from my prayer journal. Not because I have it all right, but because I absolutely don't. This one is dog-earred, just in case I might happen need to review it later (like daily!).....Yep, Lord, I get it. I have a major tendency to shut off and shut down whatever I don't want to hear and that includes with you. Forgive me. Speak to me and help me to listen. Soften my heart and help me to obey. Don't give up on me. Thank you for never forsaking me. I feel heavy because I won't give you my burdens. Help me to turn my hardness over to you and let your grace and mercy mold and shape me. Amen and amen.
