Light it Up Blue

April is Autism Awareness month and April 2nd is Light It Up Blue for Autism Awareness. As I have been thinking on this the last few days so many emotions and thoughts have warred for my attention.  It seems like  autism is a hot topic nowadays and don't all things have a color assigned to them. I wondered why it needed a whole month and then again, why not the whole year!? What would our participation look like and mean? Why blue and not red or orange? Then today, as I was scrolling through Facebook a saying on a t shirt spelled it all out so clearly to me. It said, "April is Autism Awareness month but everyday is Autism Awareness day in our home." That's it for me in a nutshell-I am continuously aware of autism. My home, my work, my sleep, my family, my life is affected by autism everyday. That is why it feels strange and yet inspiring to me. I am all too aware of autism ALL the time.

 As I said earlier, April 2nd is Light it Up Blue and the color blue rubbed me a bit as well. Why Light it up BLUE? Blue is the color of my Garrett's eyes. Blue is just a touch of how I felt as I came to the mommy realization of the battle my baby would face every day. Blue is alot of things in our home, like the color of a clear sky and the color I like best on my boys. At the end of the day though, it is just a color, until you light is up, then it changes. That is how I would describe autism's effect on our life. It is just a word, a diagnosis until..... until it is a label placed on your baby or it becomes the doorway that connects you to your child's awesome potential. Autism felt dark to me for a while and it certainly still has it's days but it has also become a beacon of light to us. It has become the avenue for finding the tools to unlock our Garrett's awesomeness. It is bright and messy and vibrant, just like my boy. It is sensory bins, indoor swings, trampolines in the living room, and root beer in a can. It is our everyday wake up call, sometimes way too early, and what makes me crave my pillow every night. It is one of the brightest, most beautiful lights in my life.

Tying it all together this morning was my quiet time. I was reading a devotional on simple gifts and it asked a question about the greatest "simple" gift that you have waited for. My answer to the question posed was, "yes". In teaching Garrett how to communicate, the word "yes" was slow to come. We worked tirelessly on it and it was a thorn in our side for a very long time. I would want to scream when our sweet speech therapist would tell us that our homework was to keep practicing our yes/nos. I remember the first yes like it just happened. I cried. I clapped. I called daddy to share my joy. There are days when I want to say "no" to autism, hard, long, deflating days, but, when I look into those blue eyes and see the light that still needs set free from my G, all I can say is yes, absolutely and positively YES. Yes, we are aware of autism everyday and, yet, yes, we will light it up blue to help make others more aware. Yes, always yes.

Watching out the Window

We have three large windows in our living room. I have always loved them. They let in loads of sunlight and they truly are the windows to our world. When the boys were little, they would stand on their tiptoes and watch for the infamous trash truck. We have witnessed first snow flakes and flash floods and, just tonight, a hypnotizing thunderstorm from those windows. As my big boys have gotten older, they have become my front row seat into their world. They give a great vantage point to the street basketball games and neighborhood sledding escapades. Ryan and I often find ourselves standing at the windows watching our boys wondering when we got relegated to the windows instead of  being a participant in the games. Sure, boys their age need a bit of independence and it is good to learn responsibility but, watching isn't nearly as much fun. The consolation is that occasionally those windows have been cracked open for the always effective "knock it off!" and it is the way I call the littles in for dinner. They are my way of letting them grow up while I keep a watchful eye on them, my mother's perch, so to speak.

I had a conversation with my boys the other day where we were talking about right and wrong choices and how the best choice is doing what Jesus would do. I apologized to them that life is getting harder now. It was easier when we were teaching how to cross the street safely and tying shoes. These lessons of how to deal with the harsher realities of an unfair life in a sinful world feel woefully over my head. How am I supposed to teach love when my momma fists are clenched tight? How can I preach self control when there are times I just want to shout? I would rather potty train any day. I was honest with my boys, I told them that this is a new season for us all. I said that sometimes my advice is going to be wrong because it will come from the wrong place inside of me.  The Bible is our handbook for life but there are many times we just can't seem to find the right passage to apply. I told them that we would all make mistakes but that there were a few things that we could know and trust and always do. We can always pray. Pray for those who persecute or bother us. Pray for those who we love. Pray for fast days and good days. We could always know that there is forgiveness, when we get it wrong or when others get it wrong to us. The last thing, and we have covered  this alot recently, is that we are each other's safe place. I told them that they are always loved, even when I am correcting them, and that I will have their back always. I told them that family is close to faith and those things are constant lights in what can feel like a dark world. I hate the reality that my boys will face struggles. I would gladly bear every one of their burdens and take on every hurt that comes their way, but that is not my job. At the end of it all, I am trying to raise godly men who love their Jesus and love the people He puts in their paths.

The other night as I laid in my bed praying over all of this, our day and my boys, I was struck by my window watching. You see, sometimes I don't like the view from the window. I have seen the unkindness and the bullying.  I have witnessed harsh words and hurt feelings and I feel constantly torn over when to step in and when to step back. I was praying over these concerns and I realized that I'm not the only one watching There is another window and my heavenly Father has his eyes on my little men too. He not only hears the hurts and knows the heartache, He knows the hair on each of their heads. He knows their todays and their tomorrows. He has their life's plans laid out before Him and He loves them even more than I do. The comfort that I felt when I realized this was unexplainable. The next night as I was praying again over this new season in parenting, I read a beautiful quote in a book that said, "God doesn't just see us; He gazes adoringly at us. He doesn't just notice us; He moves heaven and earth on our behalf." He does that for me and He does that for my boys.  What a wonderful comfort to know that when I can no longer carry my babies through this world, I can trust in Someone who is more than able. It reminded me that as I look down from my perch I also need to look up and have faith. There is One greater keeping watch as well.