Writing it down...

I started a new bible study this month. I can’t even say exactly why but I joined in with a friend who was moving and another local gal. It was a study that involved working through Acts but not just reading, it also asked me to write out certain scripture daily as well. At first, I had no intention of completing the writing part. I justified that it would not be important, I was coming alongside some friends but really no one would know or care if I wrote out scripture. It would waste time and paper and energy. Somehow, though, within the the first week, I found myself with pen in hand and a heart being changed. I have read Acts before and, at first, I noted my previous scribblings and underlines. Then I dug deeper and started let the words work in me. It was subtle and yet not. As I wrote out the few scriptures each day, they had more meaning. I could more easily picture Paul and his journey and his struggles and his prayers. I felt such a stronger connection to the history and power of the the Word. 

I’m a writer by nature. I have long journaled my prayers and my current gratitude list is well into the thousands. I have always appreciated rereading my thoughts and words and absorbing again and again God's good works in my life. My bible bag has a couple different notebooks in there and a pretty notebook waiting to be filled is one of my favorite gifts to receive. Even this blog started as a space to save and share and write down my heart and mind, not because I think the world needs my ramblings but because I feel closer to my Savior when I do so. This new study has abundantly confirmed that for me over the last few weeks. I read one day ahead of schedule and then write from what I’ve already read and the way that it changes my understanding is astounding. It’s not in exactly what I’m writing but that it binds physically and spiritually to the Truth that God inspired to include in his words to us. If the creator and sustainer of life considered something worthy of including in his Word, then surely it is has an eternal power for me and you as well. When I read about Paul or John or Moses, I am hearing a part of their story, and God intends for me to be moved by it. It can be so easy to skip ahead or lose my thoughts a little in the process of reading, even with the best intentions. Writing is different for me. It makes the words go in and through and then back out again. It causes my mind to paint a picture that I can feel and experience and be transformed by on a more spiritual level. Writing makes it personal and concrete and adds value to it. I often tell my boys to think before speaking, words being written, whether copied down or formed from within, naturally are covered in more thought and processed more intimately and thoroughly. It’s the slowing down and soaking in and it transforms, renews, and inspires. 

I guess at my core, I am a lover of words. Books, lyrics, lists...words are powerful when spoken and they are even more valuable when we take the time to write them. I’m so grateful that God caused me to find this new connection to him. My desire is always to be close to my Father. I pray his love and grace and truth both consume and pour out of me. Writing his Word helps me to accomplish that a little more. I would encourage anyone to grab a pen, a page, whisper a prayer and a praise and let his words work through your heart and your hands.

Trusting the Process

Five blankets! Thick, heavy, placed one on top of the other, that’s how my G has his bed arranged. He gets his sleepy vitamin (he now realizes that his vitamins make him sleepy) and after being repeatedly reminded to potty and brush his teeth, after turning on Alexa to Spotify or an audible book, he situates himself under 5 blankets. The funny thing is that we have tried weighted blankets and vests repeatedly through the years and G has repeatedly despised them! He says they feel heavy and uncomfortable and refuses them. G is very educated that he has sensory processing disorder and that he experiences life differently and needs certain sensory input but he still resists what he needs. He shuns what is best for him and often seeks a lesser replacement. Where does he get this tendency? In my heart and yours! When I think of my own lack of accepting what God wants to give me..

I heard a sermon this weekend that spoke of this same sort of situation. The pastor was discussing the process. It’s what comes between the plan and the purpose. We know God has a plan to use us for his purposes but there is something that must happen in the in between and it’s the process. It’s where the molding and the making, the shifting and the shaping, it’s where the higher thoughts and the deeper roots are found and formed. It’s where we get lost sometimes. You see, it often doesn’t feel good. Have you ever kneaded bread? My mom showed me how to make pepperoni rolls from scratch recently. I hastily scribbled down her instructions on an old envelope and a few weeks later felt confident that I could follow her plan and enjoy the end result all on my own. I specifically wrote that the dough had to be kneaded for 15 minutes and I remembered my mom's words to not skip on this hard part. I even remembering commenting on how impressed I was with her pushing and rolling and beating that dough ball. When my turn came though, I got a bit off the plan.. it was hard, and I was tired, and my arms hurt and I had to stand on my tiptoes just to do it and I had something I needed to get to, so I quit a little early. You can probably guess what happened to that batch of rolls, they didn’t turn out at all. They were awful and flat and dry and nothing like they should’ve been. Why? Because I skimped on the process. I tried to go the easy route and the end result showed it. Too often in my life, God has called me down a road I didn’t want to take. I’ve looked ahead and wondered if it would be easier to turn back and go another route. I think of G and when I first felt in my heart that he was different from my other boys, special in his own way.  I told my doctor who thought I might be overreacting and I could've turned back and let it go but I knew God was leading me on. He helped me gave the courage to seek my own evaluations and answers and, although I spent more than a few tears feeling scared and sad and overwhelmed, I am so glad that I didn’t skimp on the process. In the end I have a beautiful boy who amazes and blesses and teaches me every day.  I didn't understand the whole plan, and really I still don't, but I'm trusting daily in the process and the purpose.

Last month was one year since we moved from our hometown to our new town. We noted it as a family and talked about it over dinner and while sitting on the back porch. The consensus was unanimous. It’s all good and ok. The year has not been the easiest. There were new schools and friends and teams and schedules. We had to find a new church and new normals. We had some kidney stones and Ryan's belly got sketchy and required new meds and treatments. We started new traditions and enjoyed new experiences. We visited and vacationed and FaceTimed and portaled. We cried a few tears and grew our personal fruits of patience and kindness and gentleness. It’s been a process for sure and one that’s still happening but we all agreed that we are grateful. It has made us closer and stronger and more intentional and brave. It’s a shaping and a shifting, a molding and a making, a plan different from our own but we’re trusting with every step. And really, that’s the point. We get to our purposes by living out God's process every day faithfully. We trust for today and for all the tomorrows and when we fear or worry or are weak, we lean in a bit closer and grow a bit closer. Kneading takes time and effort, but in the end it’s worth it. All good things, like parenting, marriage, love, courage, they take time and effort and deep roots and big faith, but they are worth it. 
I’m going to close with a prayer that I found from a few years ago in my devotional. It made me smile and filled my eyes with mom tears but it speaks such truth for then and for now. Yes, Lord and amen! No matter what today brings help me to thank you. Thank you for life and for living it abundantly. Thank you for high fives that are smaller than mine. Thank you for doctors and diagnosis and odds beaten before they are even given. Thank you for all and everything....may this be my heart this day and everyday. Thank you Lord for the plan, the process and the purpose.