Thursday, July 21, 2016

Sometimes I hide in my bathroom...

Sometimes I hide in my bathroom. I am a grown woman, married, mother of three and there are times that I sneak into the potty and lock the door, praying that no one misses me. It might be because I need a moment of quiet. It might be because I want to read my devotional. It might be because I want to take a few deep breaths or just pluck my eyebrows. Whatever the reason, sometimes I slip into the bathroom, shut the door, and hide, just for a minute or maybe a few minutes, the bathroom has long been my quiet space. For as long as I can remember my favorite place to do my quiet time is in my bathtub. Even living at home with my parents, it was my prayer closet, my war room, my place of refuge. It still is.

Our family recently walked through a rougher season. Ryan's health was struggling and life was feeling heavy and hard. It felt as if doors were slamming in our faces and there was no sign of a light at the end of the tunnel. The days were long and I felt overwhelmed and weak. I was taking it day by day and desperately trying to trust but none of that is easy for me. I like to be strong and courageous but I felt scared and done in. I found myself too often slipping away,  shutting the door and trying not to suffocate from the storms we were facing. I struggled to even find time for a quiet time but I never struggled with where to go. When I needed to cry, when I was desperate to pray, when I just wanted my own space for a moment, I would head into the bathroom and get away, not for long but for long enough.

 I have a friend who was confessing to me a similar season of hardness, struggling to seek God when we can't feel Him, when we feel like we are just going through the motions, when life isn't what we want it to be and we feel disconnected. I have felt that way. I have certainly resisted resting in my Saviors arms because my own self was in the way. What I told her is what  I think we all need to hear. God never stops reaching for us. He is always ready and waiting and desiring us. In the hardest of times, in the fiercest of storms, Jesus is still in control. The winds and waves still obey him, even when he doesn't tell them to calm. Our peace is in Him and He is always offering it. My friend and I talked about the scriptures that confirm that and that we just have to keep pressing on. It was such a nurturing conversation for both us. I walked away from it knowing that God was speaking to each of us in our separate struggles and He has confirmed that to me abundantly recently.

One thing that spoke to me was a random song that brought me to tears in the car last week. It is called, "I'll Keep On". It is not my typical music choice, a little young for my blood,  and Ryan even questioned me when he saw that I had downloaded it. I have always encouraged God to get my attention however He needs to and so when my spirit is stirred, I try to listen.The song starts with the chorus which goes like this,

Oh, these hands are tired
Oh, this heart is tired
Oh, this soul is tired
But I'll keep on
I'll keep on 
I'll keep on

It was a song that I was unfamiliar with other than I felt like I was living it. It was as if my soul cried out through a stranger's voice. Part of the verses talk about trying to weather the storms on our own until we finally surrender life into the waiting and ready hands of our Father. It spoke of the struggle of shouldering life when we are just not strong enough to stand. It reminded me to "keep on" and where to place my trust and seek my rest.

Another thing that spoke directly to my soul was in the Word. I was reading in the Old Testament about a time when God's chosen people seemed defeated. They were actually captives in a foreign land and felt deserted and abandoned. The prophet Ezekiel was around at the time but he was kind of a dooms day guy. It seemed he was always delivering condemnation, although truthful, and bad news. In fact, at one point in his life, God told him not to speak unless he told him to. Another time God had him lie on his left side for 390 and then his right side for 40 days. This is not a dude that feel drawn to or connect with easily, but I have been reading through my Bible chronologically and that means that I have to read through ol' Zeke's story. I was not expecting to be moved but God works in mysterious ways and Zeke delivered some great stuff in chapter 34. Ezekiel 34:11-24 says this,

 “For this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I myself will search and find my sheep. I will be like a shepherd looking for his scattered flock. I will find my sheep and rescue them from all the places where they were scattered on that dark and cloudy day. I will bring them back home to their own land of Israel from among the peoples and nations. I will feed them on the mountains of Israel and by the rivers and in all the places where people live.  Yes, I will give them good pastureland on the high hills of Israel. There they will lie down in pleasant places and feed in the lush pastures of the hills.  I myself will tend my sheep and give them a place to lie down in peace, says the Sovereign Lord.  I will search for my lost ones who strayed away, and I will bring them safely home again. I will bandage the injured and strengthen the weak."

How powerful is it that God is rescuing us from dark and cloudy days? Yes,  it is also clear that we will have them but, He will find us in the midst. I love that His rescue will be also be restoring and restful, peaceful and pleasant. He will search for us, bandage us and strengthen us. I needed this. I need it today and I will need it tomorrow and, I have to think that we all need it at sometime in our lives. What a blessing to know and be loved by the Great Shepherd!

Here is the thing that I was graciously reminded of, life is hard and heavy, and storms and hard times are sure to come but I need to never lose hope. I need to keep on...keep trusting, keep resting, keep relying on the Master of the wind and the waves, the only One strong enough to weather my storms and yours. I need to go to the potty and seek out the throne room of the King of Kings believing that He is ready and waiting to answer my cries for help. Sometimes I need to hide in my quiet place so that I can seek and be found by the Shepherd. Life may be hard at times but hope, hope is never lost. In fact, it may be found in the bathroom!