Writing it down...

I started a new bible study this month. I can’t even say exactly why but I joined in with a friend who was moving and another local gal. It was a study that involved working through Acts but not just reading, it also asked me to write out certain scripture daily as well. At first, I had no intention of completing the writing part. I justified that it would not be important, I was coming alongside some friends but really no one would know or care if I wrote out scripture. It would waste time and paper and energy. Somehow, though, within the the first week, I found myself with pen in hand and a heart being changed. I have read Acts before and, at first, I noted my previous scribblings and underlines. Then I dug deeper and started let the words work in me. It was subtle and yet not. As I wrote out the few scriptures each day, they had more meaning. I could more easily picture Paul and his journey and his struggles and his prayers. I felt such a stronger connection to the history and power of the the Word. 

I’m a writer by nature. I have long journaled my prayers and my current gratitude list is well into the thousands. I have always appreciated rereading my thoughts and words and absorbing again and again God's good works in my life. My bible bag has a couple different notebooks in there and a pretty notebook waiting to be filled is one of my favorite gifts to receive. Even this blog started as a space to save and share and write down my heart and mind, not because I think the world needs my ramblings but because I feel closer to my Savior when I do so. This new study has abundantly confirmed that for me over the last few weeks. I read one day ahead of schedule and then write from what I’ve already read and the way that it changes my understanding is astounding. It’s not in exactly what I’m writing but that it binds physically and spiritually to the Truth that God inspired to include in his words to us. If the creator and sustainer of life considered something worthy of including in his Word, then surely it is has an eternal power for me and you as well. When I read about Paul or John or Moses, I am hearing a part of their story, and God intends for me to be moved by it. It can be so easy to skip ahead or lose my thoughts a little in the process of reading, even with the best intentions. Writing is different for me. It makes the words go in and through and then back out again. It causes my mind to paint a picture that I can feel and experience and be transformed by on a more spiritual level. Writing makes it personal and concrete and adds value to it. I often tell my boys to think before speaking, words being written, whether copied down or formed from within, naturally are covered in more thought and processed more intimately and thoroughly. It’s the slowing down and soaking in and it transforms, renews, and inspires. 

I guess at my core, I am a lover of words. Books, lyrics, lists...words are powerful when spoken and they are even more valuable when we take the time to write them. I’m so grateful that God caused me to find this new connection to him. My desire is always to be close to my Father. I pray his love and grace and truth both consume and pour out of me. Writing his Word helps me to accomplish that a little more. I would encourage anyone to grab a pen, a page, whisper a prayer and a praise and let his words work through your heart and your hands.

Trusting the Process

Five blankets! Thick, heavy, placed one on top of the other, that’s how my G has his bed arranged. He gets his sleepy vitamin (he now realizes that his vitamins make him sleepy) and after being repeatedly reminded to potty and brush his teeth, after turning on Alexa to Spotify or an audible book, he situates himself under 5 blankets. The funny thing is that we have tried weighted blankets and vests repeatedly through the years and G has repeatedly despised them! He says they feel heavy and uncomfortable and refuses them. G is very educated that he has sensory processing disorder and that he experiences life differently and needs certain sensory input but he still resists what he needs. He shuns what is best for him and often seeks a lesser replacement. Where does he get this tendency? In my heart and yours! When I think of my own lack of accepting what God wants to give me..

I heard a sermon this weekend that spoke of this same sort of situation. The pastor was discussing the process. It’s what comes between the plan and the purpose. We know God has a plan to use us for his purposes but there is something that must happen in the in between and it’s the process. It’s where the molding and the making, the shifting and the shaping, it’s where the higher thoughts and the deeper roots are found and formed. It’s where we get lost sometimes. You see, it often doesn’t feel good. Have you ever kneaded bread? My mom showed me how to make pepperoni rolls from scratch recently. I hastily scribbled down her instructions on an old envelope and a few weeks later felt confident that I could follow her plan and enjoy the end result all on my own. I specifically wrote that the dough had to be kneaded for 15 minutes and I remembered my mom's words to not skip on this hard part. I even remembering commenting on how impressed I was with her pushing and rolling and beating that dough ball. When my turn came though, I got a bit off the plan.. it was hard, and I was tired, and my arms hurt and I had to stand on my tiptoes just to do it and I had something I needed to get to, so I quit a little early. You can probably guess what happened to that batch of rolls, they didn’t turn out at all. They were awful and flat and dry and nothing like they should’ve been. Why? Because I skimped on the process. I tried to go the easy route and the end result showed it. Too often in my life, God has called me down a road I didn’t want to take. I’ve looked ahead and wondered if it would be easier to turn back and go another route. I think of G and when I first felt in my heart that he was different from my other boys, special in his own way.  I told my doctor who thought I might be overreacting and I could've turned back and let it go but I knew God was leading me on. He helped me gave the courage to seek my own evaluations and answers and, although I spent more than a few tears feeling scared and sad and overwhelmed, I am so glad that I didn’t skimp on the process. In the end I have a beautiful boy who amazes and blesses and teaches me every day.  I didn't understand the whole plan, and really I still don't, but I'm trusting daily in the process and the purpose.

Last month was one year since we moved from our hometown to our new town. We noted it as a family and talked about it over dinner and while sitting on the back porch. The consensus was unanimous. It’s all good and ok. The year has not been the easiest. There were new schools and friends and teams and schedules. We had to find a new church and new normals. We had some kidney stones and Ryan's belly got sketchy and required new meds and treatments. We started new traditions and enjoyed new experiences. We visited and vacationed and FaceTimed and portaled. We cried a few tears and grew our personal fruits of patience and kindness and gentleness. It’s been a process for sure and one that’s still happening but we all agreed that we are grateful. It has made us closer and stronger and more intentional and brave. It’s a shaping and a shifting, a molding and a making, a plan different from our own but we’re trusting with every step. And really, that’s the point. We get to our purposes by living out God's process every day faithfully. We trust for today and for all the tomorrows and when we fear or worry or are weak, we lean in a bit closer and grow a bit closer. Kneading takes time and effort, but in the end it’s worth it. All good things, like parenting, marriage, love, courage, they take time and effort and deep roots and big faith, but they are worth it. 
I’m going to close with a prayer that I found from a few years ago in my devotional. It made me smile and filled my eyes with mom tears but it speaks such truth for then and for now. Yes, Lord and amen! No matter what today brings help me to thank you. Thank you for life and for living it abundantly. Thank you for high fives that are smaller than mine. Thank you for doctors and diagnosis and odds beaten before they are even given. Thank you for all and everything....may this be my heart this day and everyday. Thank you Lord for the plan, the process and the purpose. 

Stairway to Heaven

The bacon burned. The toilet was clogged. The sun wasn't shining. The rain was falling. It wasn't even 7am and I was already defeated. I climbed into my tub, turned the water on, not ready to meet my Savior but not ready for the day either. I should've known. I should've seen it coming. God speaks when we can do nothing but listen. I feel him most when I am stripped back to nothing and he shines brightest in my dark every single time.

I'm reading through Genesis right now. I started it during our stay at home. It felt right to go back to the basics, the beginning, and wonder at our Creator for a time. This particular morning I was reading about Jacob and his ladder dream. Jacob was out on a trip or more like getting out of dodge. He was fleeing from his own mistakes and deceit and didn't deserve to get a visit from the Almighty, but then again, none of us do. It's night and so he sets a stone under his head to sleep. My first question was why a stone? Maybe he wasn't really wanting to sleep, knows he needs to keep one eye open, just in case. He's certainly not in a good place in his life. He's ugly and wrong and completely guilty (with a little help from his mom). He's running away and his life is far from normal or acceptable or easy. I can't help but wonder if he felt like I do sometimes and questioned where the path of his life was heading and if he even wanted to go that down that road. There are times when life's circumstances feel more like dead ends than detours and I feel like I just want to make a quick u-turn. I have doubted the perfect rightness of the hard roads that God has led me down at different times in my life. I have felt that recently with all the change and weirdness and anxiousness in our world. I have had nights where I felt like I too was sleeping on stones.

So, here's Jake, laying down to sleep, sort of, and suddenly he sees a vision. It's not actually of a ladder like the child's game but the scripture says that it is of a stairway, with the Lord at the top. The visual of this on my grumpy dreary morning inspired me to dig deeper, a stairway to heaven, I'd take that. Lots of us would! Except, maybe I wouldn't. That specific morning I could also easily imagine myself starting up those steps and then getting frustrated or angry and flopping my sorry self on one of those steps, crossing my arms, and giving up. It's too steep. It's too hard. My legs hurt and I'm tired. My heart is weary and I quit. I question, why this way God? Why so many steps and why does it have to be so hard? Sometimes I want to fuss and stomp and cry, throw a good fit and just stop. Sometimes I just don't want to do it anymore, like sleeping on a stone, I'm over it! But, there's always a "but", but, God makes a promise as Jacob, and I and, maybe you, are looking up that long stairwell. He reaches down, grabs us by the hand and helps us stand back up. He says in Genesis 28:15, "What's more, I am with you and I will protect you wherever you go...I will not leave you until I have finished giving you everything I have promised you." Jacob had a long way to go in life and there would be seasons that felt like uphill climbs and wrong turns but God would always be with him. Let that soak in. He's there through our grief, our loneliness, our guilt and our shame. He's there when it feels like no one else is. He's there when we want to throw the towel in and admit defeat. He's there when we don't get what we deserve and when we get exactly what we deserve. When the way looks dark and the storms are pouring down around us, he's there. He won't leave or quit or give up on us. He's going to help and hold and stay and he will most certainly fulfill all of his promises.

From burnt bacon to blessings, that is God's way. He picks us up, dusts us off and leads us on up the stairway, to his throne room, to his glorious goodness. That morning, I looked straight up and knew that he had given me a glimpse of heaven and it was enough, more than enough.  I heaved my tired self out of the tub. I listed my gratitude and wrote out my prayer. I did the day, the mom things, the teaching things, the wife things. It wasn't a perfect day but I knew I could and would keep climbing because it's always worth it with him. His way, his promises, eternity with him are worth every single step.

Secrets....we all have them. The things we don’t want exposed, the things we don’t tell others, maybe things we don’t even tell ourselves. My pastor recently said that secrets are Satan’s doorway into your life, his little crack to get into your being, your soul, and work his ugliness. Secrets wound and are themselves wounds and yet we all hide them and protect them with our very lives. I hate secrets, but also have some of my own. I’m a horrible liar but struggle with trusting in the Truth that sets us free. My word of the 2020 is TRUTH. I’ve never chosen a word of the year before but when I was praying recently, I felt very strongly that God wanted me sift through and settle in on truth for a good long time. Truth and secrets are opposites and yet, not, in so many ways. You see secrets, to me, are often still truth, just a truth that we turn into a weapon. I was recently reading a book about marriage and a certain part stuck out to me. The author was describing past or present hurts as a sunburn on our back that someone has just slapped in greeting. We react strongly and negatively to our secrets because they’re not healed over yet, like a fresh sunburn. But how do we heal them? I think it’s in the sharing. Darkness is always overcome by light and secrets lose their power when we share them, say them, write them, uncover them somehow and some way. Then they are no longer secrets. 

Recently I was experiencing a little ebb in the ebb and flow of life. I have felt it all over, in my parenting, in my marriage, in all my relationships and activities. Ryan kind of called me out on it, since I seemed to be constantly picking arguments with him and being overly defensive and, suddenly, I felt that sunburn sting. The sunburn being slapped made me scowl at first. I wanted to roar and fight and defend but I instead agreed. I admitted my struggle, just a little, in a short but very honest text. I let the truth free me from chains and asked him to stay close to me, not pull away, even when I was pushing hard. I can’t put into words how much lighter that left me. I still felt my inner turmoil but now it had a name and I had a weapon against it and a partner! The darkness had some light on it and it helped it to heal! 

Then last week, I discovered another side of secret that was more encouraging. It was tucked sweetly away in a well-known and precious verse in Jeremiah. Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Did you catch it in there? HE knows, not me or you! I was discussing this verse with my kiddos and suddenly, I realized that I don’t know His plans for my boys, only God knows and he’s keeping it on the down-low. It’s a secret. Of course, I have hopes and dreams and I need to be present and purposeful in my parenting but I don’t get to write the story. Not for me. Not for my boys. My devotional put it so beautifully, “Your future looks uncertain, even precarious. This is how it should be. Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things”. The main difference between the two types of secrets are one is hidden in the dark and the other is kept and formed and held in the hand of the Light. Light-ened secrets are good and hopeful and right. Dark secrets are desperate, desperate for light and for release. One truth that I see in myself is that I need to know the difference and light up the dark, not just for myself but for my boys and the world I’m in. I'm not sure of the how always but I do know that I will find my darkest places and let the Light bring truth and freedom to them.

 I love to share truths and be honest and share my heart to people but I still have secret parts of my story that I keep closer. I don’t know how to not do that but I do know that when I let some of it out, maybe just to a few people, maybe just a tad at a time, I find healing and wholeness. This year I am working toward and asking God for his Truth and how to apply it to my life. I want healing over wounds. I desire light in the darkness. I am certain that the Truth really does set free. So let’s light up the world and share some secrets!

**It is worth noting that it took me approximately 2 weeks and 400 attempts to figure out the password to this account which Ryan had apparently changed. Unfortunately, he was keeping it a secret from even himself! More proof that secrets (and new passwords) should always be shared!

Words That Connect

Sometimes it’s one word. Vocab. Haircut. Sometimes it’s a remind me to...study, pack gym clothes...Sometimes, my favorite ones, will be something they think is funny or a video or gif. I almost never get those but I like it or send a thumbs up and later ask for an explanation, if Ryan doesn’t understand it either. The texts from my boys, they are among my favorite things and make my gratitude list always.

I am now the mom of 2 teenage boys. They eat, talk loudly, play video games, argue over the remotes. They waller, they stink, they eat, and they talk!! Maybe that makes them odd but my boys talk non stop! The thing is, they rarely make sense or discuss anything of interest to me. For example, I love books but last week one of my boys was telling me the storyline of a book they were reading and I actually had to interrupt because I was completely lost and slightly alarmed. His was not a book of romance, happy endings, or good winning over evil. It was not my kind of read! An hour or so later though, I got another text. It wasn’t deep or meaningful but it was from him. I pulled myself up out of my cozy spot and went in search of my boy. I sat beside him and told him to tell me again about his book and apologized about rejecting it earlier. Why? Because I want him to talk to me. I want them to share their books, their stories, their jokes, their struggles, their lives with me. These people, who have for so long needed me and required me for living life, now don’t as much, but I need them! I feel the inevitable push and pull of parenting boys becoming men. The growing pains come in moments of arguing or sarcasm or misunderstanding and I don’t want to lose my place.

This stage of mom-life reminds me so very much of my faith walk. I have had seasons where I was dependent on my Savior for my next breaths and each step of the day. I had to hold on tight just to make it. There have been dark days where He was my only light and it was easy to lean in because I couldn’t stand alone. There have also been seasons where I’ve thought I was all grown up. Those times when I think I know the way and I can do it on my own. I’ve sent up quick short prayers and a thanks on a whim and felt like I was all grown up only to later learn how very wrong I was. I have often been reminded how much I need to be connected to the true Vine. Our lives, both physically and spiritually, are lived in relationship and relationships require some form of communication. I want and need my boys to share life with me. I want to know them, what makes them smile and laugh, what makes them struggle and maybe even cry. I want to help. I want to hear. I want to be there. And all of that reminds me that my Heavenly Father wants the same with me. He wants in on my days of joy and my tears of sorrow. He wants me to come to him and unload the mess of me and trust that he will listen and that he is my constant help in times of trouble. He wants my thanks and he wants to nurture and guide me. I can’t text heaven gates or FaceTime my Savior, but I have his Word and I feel his Spirit inside me. I am certain of his presence in every moment that I seek it and I rest assured that he is standing at the door and waiting to come in. It’s funny to me that the times that I feel most lost or lonely or discouraged are when I am not connected to my lifesource. I have recognized but, need to remember more, that when I am empty He alone can fill and fulfill me. There are so many ways for me to do that. I listen to music. I love reading and writing. There are quiet times, devotionals, coffees and convos with my sweet sisters in Christ, all draw me to closer to the Light and help heal and hold me. It’s about connecting purposefully and repeatedly, regardless of feelings and momentary circumstances.

I love my boys. They aren’t perfect but they are mine. I don’t always get them and I certainly have mom moments of frustration and angst, but when they talk, I try real hard to listen. When they text, I thumbs up and heart it. I respond, reply and take notice. I want them to be sure that I will always be here and, more importantly, that there is one far greater who has always been and will always be. My Jesus and my boys have my heart and they also have my ear. One word, a like, I’ll take whatever I can get and savor the connection because that is what relationships and real life are based on, communication and connection.