Confident in HOPE

I’ve had a word on my mind and heart lately. It’s almost taunted me, haunting my quiet moments, my favorite songs. It’s always there lingering, refusing to be ignored. I’ve wrestled with it in prayer and in my devotional times. HOPE....that’s my word. Hope is defined as a feeling or expectation of something to come, trusting in something. As a Christian term, it is required of the believer. It’s the confident expectation of God’s promises and his faithfulness. Hope has been hounding me. It’s mentioned in several of our current memory verses. It’s spoken several times in my boys' favorite playlist. It’s even the name of our new church. It’s everywhere. I want to think, and write, and be put together, with organized thoughts, but this one has me tied up in knots that I feel like need written before being fully understood so forgive me if I sound a little messy on this one.

For a while now God and I have talked it out and I feel like I can almost handle hope a little. I can trust in my Jesus. I expect His work in my life and even beyond this life. I can anticipate what God will do, wish and dream of it but, then we get christian on it and it also needs to be confident. I am not big on confidence. I am big on joy. I am huge on gratitude. Confidence and I though, we don’t really jive well. So how am I to combine this lackluster confidence I know with my hope? How can I be confident when it’s hard to hope? When the battles are fierce and families are at stake? There is so much in this world that is hard to hope in, the diseases, diagnoses, addictions, disappointments, frustrations. The ugly, the unknown, the lost, the broken, the lonely, I want to be certain in victory over all of this. I want to be sure that good will win and that joy absolutely will come in the morning but then there are the really long, really dark nights and I feel myself waver. I feel my hope weaken and I definitely don’t feel confident. Is my faith not strong enough, my prayers not righteous enough? I know that my God is more than enough but why can’t I feel that blessed, confident, certain assurance in my hopes? I feel held captive by it all and that is where I find the light leading me out of the darkness. It’s in those prison moments, the longest darkest nights, when it is so far beyond me to win or even fight, when my strength really isn't enough and I don't even feel like fighting, that is when HOPE shines the brightest. 

I am in a season of complete unknown newness. I don't know the layout of the Walmart just a couple miles away. Where do they keep the horseradish and the mini chocolate chips? I celebrate every time I don't need the GPS to get me somewhere or to find my way home. I rejoice if I recognize a face in any crowd and when the dude from Garrett's taekwondo class spoke to me in the check out line, I wrote it on my gratitude list. I am completely out of my comfort zone every single day. I love to be in control and feel like I am strong and able and all this newness strips that feeling away. I have a deep need to feel known and accepted and loved and I find myself in a place where so very few know my name and almost none know my story. As if all of that isn't enough, I see so much hurt and heartache and struggle in the world around me. I know of too many families living in hard times. Hearts that are broken. Choices made that can't be unmade and the darkness of this world seems beyond what we can bear. That's the thing.....we can't bear it. There is no part of me or any of us, physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually that fix or manage the shattered parts of this world.

It’s an odd place to be as wife, mom, girl and it has moved me from a place of comfort to a place of transition, leaning hard on my God and trying to be hopeful and confident and all the good while I neither feel nor understand any of it.  It’s a place of hope, believing in what I can’t see and don’t fully understand, hoping in the One who guides my steps and holds heart. It’s a level of trust and faith unlike anything I ever known and it has helped me see hope as more than a word but as more of a lifestyle. I can think of situations and circumstances of people I know who are living out their hope as well. Maybe they are hoping everyday for a cure, for an answer, for peace, or for heaven itself. Whatever it might be, they wake up and don’t know the answers, don’t know all the whys or where’s or how's but, and that’s a huge but, they know in whom they have believed. That’s HOPE. It’s the light in the deep darkness. It’s the next breath that you weren’t sure that you could take. It’s the next step down a road you don’t know if you want to travel down because you surely don't know where it leads.  It’s the strength and faith to keep going when when we are so very unable on our own. As far as the confidence goes, the trick is where or whom we place it. I have very little self confidence in myself. I’m not a great cook, just good enough. My parenting style is “by the grace of God and the seat of my pants”, hardly confident. I’m getting older but not necessarily wiser. I am just me. All of those aspects have one thing in common...I. Thank Jesus that my confident hope is not in myself. It’s in Him!  In 2 Corinthians Paul says, “Each time he said, “ My grace is all you need. My power works best In weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me”. Did you catch that? Boasting! Confidence worth bragging about!! Not in me or you or anyone but in our Creator and Savior and the great lover of our souls. The apostle Paul, the one who wrote a lot of the new testament and is credited for starting churches and sharing the gospel beyond borders, knew weakness and lack but he also knew that God shows up where we can not. In our less than, He is more than enough. He is where our confidence lies and lives and He is our hope in all things and at all times, even our weakest, ugliest, neediest unknown places. Those are the times and places where He does his best work. We can be confident because our hope is not in us.

Hope is so much more than a word in this life in between now and eternity. Hope is a believer's heart’s very beat here on this earth. It’s where my faith began, a hope in my creator and it’s where I look to when my eyes and heart can’t see the plan and it’s where my soul will one day find it’s rest. That is hope. Hope is heaven's home for us in the here and now and that is why I am confident and sure and full of HOPE. 

Romans 15:13- “I pray that God, the source of HOPE, will fill you completely with JOY and PEACE because you TRUST in HIM. Then you will overflow with CONFIDENT HOPE through the power of the Holy Spirit”.....

Amen Friends. 

Taking time

Last night I couldn’t sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I was tired. Maybe even exhausted. We worked outside all day on screening in our back porch. We did church this morning. I made dinner and a sorta lunch. I ran an errand and spent a fun hour at the pool with the kids shooting them with nerf guns! I was tired but my mind was not. G starts fifth grade tomorrow. Fiftieth grade!!! Noooooo! But it’s true. He not only starts a new grade but also a new year round schedule, in a new school, with all new kids, teachers and routines. Oh my! My mind was definitely not ready to shut all that down. 

As I struggled to quiet my racing thoughts, I realized what the real issue was. I was praying in that moment and reaching out to my Father but, in the last week I had fallen very short. We visited back home and worked and played hard this week and I didn’t even pack my Bible and my quiet times were short to non-existent. I was a withering fruit, in desperate need of my most nourishing source. We all do this sometimes. We get busy distracted overwhelmed. Isn’t it funny that sometimes we prioritize other things over what we need most. We had been home for a couple days and I had squeezed in a run and even shopped a little. I had also managed some chores around the house. What I hadn’t been able to get done was what I needed most. No quiet time, no devotional or authentic prayer time. My gratitude list was at the same place as I left it a week ago. 

My first step was repenting, just acknowledging my need and my neglect and vowing to get back where I needed to be. My second step was giving it back, giving back the worry and anxiety and never ending list of to-dos. Lastly, I thanked God for all the good we have seen, specifically in our new home. The blessings, the laughter, the kindness and joy that we’ve experienced and then, back alongside my Savior, I trusted. I let my fears and concerns find hope, confident hope, where all my real, eternal hope comes from. I’m not in charge because He already knows and He’s got it under control. Then, finally,  I slept.
When I woke up this morning, the devil immediately hit me with some what if’s and a list of my lack but I was ready. Before my eyes could adjust, I welcomed Jesus into this day. I climbed out of bed with prayer and praise and ready to be led. I wrote the teacher a quick message. I perked some coffee, hugged my hubs, and told my kids, I’d be upstairs for a bit. Time to nourish my thirsty soul and be filled so that I have something to be emptied of. 

Life will never not take from us, I think for me it’s about having something of value to give away. In my own self, I will work hard and love hard and play hard but, I will always always fall short and end up empty and sore. When I do life with Jesus though, when I take time to let Him take the heavy and replace it with His fruits of peace and kindness, when I let Him direct not just my actions but also my thoughts, that’s when I can live and love and work abundantly. Hands wide open is my reminder to receive all that God has for me, the blessings of joy, pain, the struggles and the victories, but also to not hold tightly to that which is His. I need reminded to give Him my worries, my fears, my days. Hands open to the one who will only place that which He determines I should have into my ready palms. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my gratitude list has a few things that need to be added to it.

     Psalm 27:8 My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

Like Ripples

If I had written my marriage vows, I would have included a line that said that I never wanted to move, not from WV, not even from Fairmont. Until death do us part, in sickness and health, through the good, bad, ugly, and crazy beautiful...as mountaineers. That’s just the truth. Another statement I have made out loud on several occasions in the past is that I would hate to experience two things in life with G, a car accident or moving. They would be too hard for him to conceive and adapt to and he might freak out beyond my mom skills and I just never wanted to go through those things, but, life, it has a way of taking us down the roads we try to avoid. We can go willing or dragging our feet but we don’t get to pick and choose most circumstances. Then, whoops, last winter g and I were indeed involved in a fender bender where we weren’t hurt and my fears were proven wrong. The hardest part was convincing G it wasn't his fault and he probably helped me not get a ticket. Also, in case you didn’t know, we have moved, not even just from our town but even our state! That’s a big one in life, moving. Moving kids and houses and taxes, not easy on any of us, including G. As I was running this morning on a new route in my new neighborhood, I crossed a lake and noticed lots of ripples on it because of the breeze blowing across it. It made me think of my life lately, lots of ripples, lots of changing winds, lots of new and different, lots off adjusting. You might think that our relocation is what I’m talking about but there have been other ripples, other changes that the Lord has been working in my world that have been harder to see and more difficult to endure. The Lord has shown me some idols that I needed to purge and reprioritize and, through feeling unacceptable and left out, he has helped me to see how I need to be fulfilled by HIS love for me. He has made me pray for the hard ones and find forgiveness and healing not just for myself but also for my boys. That’s rough, ugly stuff there and they aren’t made any easier with a moving company or new address.

A few months ago when I felt the Lord revealing to me that the winds were shifting and he wanted to prepare me, I had to make some difficult choices. I had to be willing to become moldable. I had to find some freedom while arranging other boundaries. I found myself pleading that I would know and feel and be filled by his love and acceptance of me just as I am, while also fighting and releasing the idol of constantly trying to be enough so that others would accept and like me. That struggle doesn’t take a day or a week or even a month. In fact, when I’ve gotten complete victory, I’ll let you know just how

long it takes but, for now, I accept his grace and mercy for my failures, over and over again. I pray for me to hear his voice and feel his deep, unchanging love for me. I trust that he made me with good and pleasing plans and purposes and nothing and no one can ever change that. I try to walk according to his ways every moment and give him my day, each day, to use as he sees fit. Lots of times, most of the time, this requires that I lean hard on His strength and surrender my will. That is so outside of myself, so outside of society that it seems and feels strange but I am learning that he is always with me and that makes it worth it every single time. 

The Lord has also shown me my own ugly heart. He has done so mostly through the unexpected places, my kids, my Ryan, and my other life relationships. He has revealed where my love is more like hate and my concern is selfish or conceited. He has made me forgive so that I can show my Boys what it looks like and he has asked me to be sincere in my prayers for the ones I’d just as much rather not include in the first place. My heart is so very yuck sometimes. It gets broken and doesn’t even want to mend, much less offer grace. The Lord has worked through my dark to show his light to my most important people, my boys. He has helped us help each other show love and mercy to a world that won’t always give it back, to dig deep and be strong by his might when our own is so very insufficient. He has has been faithful to me when I felt like I just couldn’t and he has given me the right words to pray when I literally had none on my own. That’s not a small act or a one time deal. God is shifting my heart with this work and no matter what state I’m in, I am

always called to love my neighbors and pray for those who persecute me. 

All the ripples, some representing strong winds of obvious change. Some meaning something so much more, appear tiny but shift the sands of my heart, my soul, and my spirit. The ripples on that lake reminded me to let the winds do their work. Let the wind shift and shape and, even when it’s hard, let it move and blow. Some ripples look like giant waves but those little ones, less noticeable to the world, are like the breath of Jesus, falling on his beloved (mostly) faithful servant making her exactly who he always knew she could be in Him and loving her through it all. 

In process

Routinely throughout the year, we get these forms from Garrett's teachers. They are notes based on his education plan and the goals that we have set and they have options like "met", "not met", "satisfactory", and "in process". The forms are filled in by his teachers and I make an effort to open the envelope and read through them. Most often the box is check marked "in process". Two simple words that pack so much meaning.  G ( and maybe a few of us) is a work in progress. He hasn't fully mastered lots of things in life from group interaction, to handwriting (God bless his handwriting), to managing his impulsivity. Recently while I was listening to a particularly good sermon, our pastor used the same term to describe our christian walk, in process, not perfect or complete but somewhere along the way,  and then a book that I am really enjoying right now talked about the period of time in life where we are preparing for the next adventure, trial, or experience in life. "In process" isn't necessarily fun in my eyes.  Preparation means hard work to my ears. I am more of a "met" or "satisfactory" kind of girl but let me tell you that I am in a period of life where I most definitely have felt like God is "in the process" of something.

Often G gets the "in process" mark across the board; socially, academically, emotionally, developmentally.  I, too, feel it across the board. I feel it physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  A few months ago, I felt a stirring. I felt that God was working something in me and, to be honest, it wasn't a something that I was super comfortable with. I felt my weaker parts being exposed and worked on but I didn't allow myself to resist it because I know God's work is always good and I could also very much feel His peace when I would allow Him in and let Him fill me with it. I felt the things I thought I knew for certain becoming uncertainties and my comfort zone being washed away and expanded. I felt myself losing, instead of gaining and it weighed on me. Lonely but not lost, I tried to surrender and rest and trust but the path has seemed unclear and a little daunting.  I really prefer to be a conquerer, victorious and strong, and I view myself as a very capable and able person but in reality I am just a work in process and preparation is a necessary evil.

God has shown me recently little things and big things that he has been working on and molding and shaping and preparing and I have felt both blessed and stressed by all of it.  The work of God sometimes involves big changes and conquering those major fears and anxiety inducers and I really try to avoid that type of work. When I think of my story, I feel like I have enough of the hard to live the rest of my life in the soft (ish). I like predictable and known and, let's be real, confidence that I can do it. Lately, God has asked me to remain faithful when He takes away the easy and known. It's the big and the little, G had an amazing teacher at the first of the year. She totally got him and loved him and he was doing excellent, then she took another position and we had subs for months. Every day new faces and unknowns and G and I felt the pains of the process. We have always loved our community, our town, our church, and our little slice of the world. Sometimes though your world shifts just enough that you see the ugly and the hard and the the pretty loses its luster.  Sometimes the process, the preparing means seeing the things you thought you knew for sure differently, accepting change and disappointment and different life paths. I hate change but what if God is preparing me for a change, I need to let him work the process.  I need to accept the growth and preparation for whatever life might bring. Even my quiet times have become different. I used to feel like God and I just picked up where we left off each morning but recently I have been feeling the pull to walk His path, not necessarily the one I had started down. At first I felt afraid and almost wanted to avoid it, as if that is even possible. My prayers have shifted from thanks and assuredness to prayers for peace and an obedient heart. I have had to look directly at my weaknesses, my sinful ways, my ugly wrongness, and even my fears,  but I have seen them covered in grace. God doesn't want me or any of us to be incomplete or less than. He wants to work in my weakness, then show me how very capable He is and He wants to use my sin and my hurt to prepare me for a victorious battle.  I want to live and love as He has planned for me, even if I can't always clearly see what the destination going to look like.

 Just a couple of weeks ago, I ran a half marathon. Running a drive-able distance is something I never felt tempted to do for several reasons, the training takes too much time, I wouldn't have a partner to do it all the time, and, to be frank, what if I failed. The funny thing is that God used the entire experience to highlight all those fears and insecurities and process them into something awesome. The training time actually ended up being just a tad bit more than what I normally do and I really enjoyed the running and pushing myself beyond my norm. I not only trained alone but ended up running the actual race alone, except I really wasn't alone. I have had the best runs listening to worship music or enjoying my audible book. I have prayed and praised and connected with God in new and beautiful ways that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. When race day came, the only real uncertainty was could I actually do it. I had my friend for this one, which was a comfort and I was as ready as I was going to be. Also it wasn't raining or snowing, so prayers had already been answered. Mile 6 is where it got real for me. Somehow I had lost my friend in the masses. I was alone, running, running far. I turned my music on to distract me and focus me and God just filled my head and my heart with this amazing sense of BOOM (thats our family word for fantastic awesomeness). I looked around and put my hands in the air and let a few rouge tears drip down my cheeks. I thanked God that I was alone with just him, on this unknown trail, that I still had a long ways to go but I could trust that He would get me across the finish line. I thanked him that I was so very weak and unable unless I was running life's race with him and then I kept going. 13 miles worth of prayer and praise and peace. Do you know that I even missed the finish line? They had to call me back because I had made the next turn and was ready to keep going. My process didn't seem finished to me. I was and am still going. This prep work, it hurts somedays, makes me want to cry, gives me butterflies in my belly, feels unknown, but wherever the path leads, and however I have to get there, I trust hat God is strong enough. He will lead me and help me run without getting weary. I am weak but He is strong and He loves me too much to leave me where he doesn't want me or to let me remain unprepared.

I guess really, if life had progress notes, I would appreciate receiving them in a little yellow envelope. I would open it up and enjoy seeing the box marked "in process". I would let it remind me that I still have a LONG way to go in this race called life but that God knows where the trail leads and what lies around the next bend. He will prepare and go before and beside me no matter what.