If I had written my marriage vows, I would have included a line that said that I never wanted to move, not from WV, not even from Fairmont. Until death do us part, in sickness and health, through the good, bad, ugly, and crazy beautiful...as mountaineers. That’s just the truth. Another statement I have made out loud on several occasions in the past is that I would hate to experience two things in life with G, a car accident or moving. They would be too hard for him to conceive and adapt to and he might freak out beyond my mom skills and I just never wanted to go through those things, but, life, it has a way of taking us down the roads we try to avoid. We can go willing or dragging our feet but we don’t get to pick and choose most circumstances. Then, whoops, last winter g and I were indeed involved in a fender bender where we weren’t hurt and my fears were proven wrong. The hardest part was convincing G it wasn't his fault and he probably helped me not get a ticket. Also, in case you didn’t know, we have moved, not even just from our town but even our state! That’s a big one in life, moving. Moving kids and houses and taxes, not easy on any of us, including G. As I was running this morning on a new route in my new neighborhood, I crossed a lake and noticed lots of ripples on it because of the breeze blowing across it. It made me think of my life lately, lots of ripples, lots of changing winds, lots of new and different, lots off adjusting. You might think that our relocation is what I’m talking about but there have been other ripples, other changes that the Lord has been working in my world that have been harder to see and more difficult to endure. The Lord has shown me some idols that I needed to purge and reprioritize and, through feeling unacceptable and left out, he has helped me to see how I need to be fulfilled by HIS love for me. He has made me pray for the hard ones and find forgiveness and healing not just for myself but also for my boys. That’s rough, ugly stuff there and they aren’t made any easier with a moving company or new address.
A few months ago when I felt the Lord revealing to me that the winds were shifting and he wanted to prepare me, I had to make some difficult choices. I had to be willing to become moldable. I had to find some freedom while arranging other boundaries. I found myself pleading that I would know and feel and be filled by his love and acceptance of me just as I am, while also fighting and releasing the idol of constantly trying to be enough so that others would accept and like me. That struggle doesn’t take a day or a week or even a month. In fact, when I’ve gotten complete victory, I’ll let you know just how
long it takes but, for now, I accept his grace and mercy for my failures, over and over again. I pray for me to hear his voice and feel his deep, unchanging love for me. I trust that he made me with good and pleasing plans and purposes and nothing and no one can ever change that. I try to walk according to his ways every moment and give him my day, each day, to use as he sees fit. Lots of times, most of the time, this requires that I lean hard on His strength and surrender my will. That is so outside of myself, so outside of society that it seems and feels strange but I am learning that he is always with me and that makes it worth it every single time.
The Lord has also shown me my own ugly heart. He has done so mostly through the unexpected places, my kids, my Ryan, and my other life relationships. He has revealed where my love is more like hate and my concern is selfish or conceited. He has made me forgive so that I can show my Boys what it looks like and he has asked me to be sincere in my prayers for the ones I’d just as much rather not include in the first place. My heart is so very yuck sometimes. It gets broken and doesn’t even want to mend, much less offer grace. The Lord has worked through my dark to show his light to my most important people, my boys. He has helped us help each other show love and mercy to a world that won’t always give it back, to dig deep and be strong by his might when our own is so very insufficient. He has has been faithful to me when I felt like I just couldn’t and he has given me the right words to pray when I literally had none on my own. That’s not a small act or a one time deal. God is shifting my heart with this work and no matter what state I’m in, I am
always called to love my neighbors and pray for those who persecute me.
All the ripples, some representing strong winds of obvious change. Some meaning something so much more, appear tiny but shift the sands of my heart, my soul, and my spirit. The ripples on that lake reminded me to let the winds do their work. Let the wind shift and shape and, even when it’s hard, let it move and blow. Some ripples look like giant waves but those little ones, less noticeable to the world, are like the breath of Jesus, falling on his beloved (mostly) faithful servant making her exactly who he always knew she could be in Him and loving her through it all.
