Yesterday I worshipped next to a dear friend of mine. She is a friendly, bubbly, sweet, kind friend and she is dear to me for many reasons but one of the main ones is because I know her story. She stood next to me yesterday singing praises heavenward while her youngest child fell asleep in her arms. The reality of it caused me to stop and reflect as tears ran down my cheeks because I know how precious a moment I was witnessing. Part of her story is that her arms are without one of her babies because she worships for eternity in heaven and is surrounded, not by my friend's arms, but by all of the heavenly hosts. A pain too deep to understand, a script she would not have chosen, but my friend still worships.
It was later that same day when I put the boys to bed that they shared with me Garrett's distracting behavior during storytime at children's church that morning. As I listened to their take on the events, I felt my faith weakening with every word. Thankfully, Ryan came to my rescue and we got everyone to bed with prayers prayed and songs sung even though my heart was aching. As we returned to the living room and our comfy chairs a few minutes later, Ryan wondered exactly what the boys had said. I couldn't even repeat the story. My heart felt too heavy and defeated. Our conversation went on in a sweet and sorrowful way where I admitted that I don't love autism and what it has brought to our life all the time. It struck me then how hard it is to live a life of exceptions. Garrett is the exception to every rule. As a whole, I really like rules and I don't like exceptions to rules. I live a fairly black and white life if I can, not perfect, but a life where boundaries are clear, except with Garrett. Autism wasn't in our plan and doesn't fit my mold. There are exceptions to his behavior. There are exceptions to his diet, to his sleep, his dress, his discipline. The parenting book, the living life book we may have written was thrown out the window the day he was born, we just didn't know it yet. And, to be frank, we didn't ask for it. It was not a part of our original script. Heaven knows, I can find the joy in most moments but there are times when I want to shake my fists heavenward and ask why. Is this doubt? Fear? Lack of faith? I don't know. What I call it is honesty. I love Garrett more than I could ever put into words but loving him, raising him can be very hard at times. There are tremendous victories but and there are failures that crush and battles that exhaust. There are worries without answers. For my older boys I can hope and plan for their future but for G we work day by day and experience by experience. Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by all of it. I think of the boys' memory verse this month, Luke 16:10-"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much." G is much, sometimes too much. What my dear friend went through, losing a child, was much, too much it seemed. I know the Lord never gives us more than he can help us bear but what about the crosses we never wanted to bear? What do we do when we feel like sinking under the waves of life's storms. I think of Peter. Loving his Savior, Peter stepped out of the boat and walked confidently on water toward Jesus until.... What happened in Peter's heart? I'm not completely sure, but for me it might have been that I started thinking too hard. Maybe he realized that it was against the rules to walk on water or that he hadn't planned on all this going down like it was. Maybe he doubted or feared or felt like it was a bit too much this walking on water thing. Whatever happened, Peter started sinking. I am grateful for this part because Peter made a life saving, split second decision when he was in over his head. He looked up. He said, "Lord, save me". When I feel like God has given me too much and I am ready to drown, I too can ask for Him to save me and know that He will. I think that needing rescued is part of His plan sometimes, not mine, but his "good, pleasing, and perfect will".
The reality is that we all go through things that we didn't plan on. My life is full and my blessings are many but there are always the exceptions. My friend would not have written her story the way that she has lived it. I know that she has shaken her fists and many times wept and pleaded for things that God didn't give her. I have also seen her joy, felt her love, and even relied on her strength from time to time. Knowing her story, reading Peter's plea for rescue, they remind me to keep going. We may not ask for all that we are given but with hands wide open we can accept whatever He has for us. He is the Author. He is the beginning and the end. He is ready, waiting to rescue us and it may even be a part of His plan.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Friday, September 12, 2014
Shame-less
Shame is defined in Webster as the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something improper done by oneself. It is the pit of your stomach yuck that you get when you have messed up or said the wrong thing or did what you said you would never do. Now that we know what it is, let's talk about how it feels. It is a heavy cloak. It is hard to take off. I imagine it a shade of black or maybe crimson red. It becomes you and refuses to relinquish control. It is one size fits all, but unique for each us. I know this shame well because I wear it often, and have been feeling its heavy hand on me recently. It seems that all I do is mess up, drop the ball, miss an opportunity. Shame is uncomfortable and so very difficult to get rid of for me. I pray and I apologize. I accept forgiveness, and then I pick my shame right back up and head out of the throne room with it anyway. It could be my loose, gossipy tongue, or maybe my horrible self image and the resulting behaviors, or my frequent overflowing frustrations. All, in retrospect, heap on more shame and regret, and I can't seem to shake them.
Let me give you a real life example of where my shame comes from. I have a good friend. She is one of those people who everyone who knows her would call her a good friend. She helps. She laughs. She encourages. She listens. And since she listens so well, I tend to talk to her. Recently, when I felt defensive and offended from another, I knew I could trust her to accept my venting. She did and she never judged or condemned, but, days later, I was still feeling the guilt. You see, my friend is not just my friend, she is my sister in Christ and I didn't just vent, I gossiped and judged and sinned all over the place. How to go back? Just not possible. How to move on? Still not sure. Shame was heavy and holding on tight.
Friends, this one has taken some effort. Lots of praying it out and thinking it through. Wondering how and why God put this on my heart but I think I am on to something now, and I think I meant to share it with you. The other day I heard Romans 5:1-5. Let's walk through it together and see where it leads us.
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
What do you hear in those words? Do they speak condemnation or freedom? They surely don't bring me shame. What I hear there is God telling me that I am already justified, not by my behavior, but by my faith in Him. With that comes peace, and I can stand in the grace of my Savior. We don't need grace unless we aren't perfect so it is almost like He expects me to stumble sometimes. As we stand in grace, we can feel proud of the hope that God gives us, for His glory. And not just that, but we can boast in our struggles. Why? Because our shortcomings and battles will develop perseverance and character and, finally, hope. Hope will not put us to shame either because of Christ's love in us. Christ's love, not my perfection, but his perfect love. I can exchange my shame for hope in that which covers all my sin. Isn't that awesome?
Shame has no place in my life. Not because I won't fail. Trust me I will. Not because I work hard or pray more or fast or anything. It has no place because I know who I believe in and I trust in His love. I trust that I can shine His light even in my struggles and shortcomings because I am standing in grace and filled with His love. I don't have to carry the heavy load of shame and guilt. I can be forgiven and live free because there is hope. I can live shame-less. Did you just feel the weight lift? I did.
Let me give you a real life example of where my shame comes from. I have a good friend. She is one of those people who everyone who knows her would call her a good friend. She helps. She laughs. She encourages. She listens. And since she listens so well, I tend to talk to her. Recently, when I felt defensive and offended from another, I knew I could trust her to accept my venting. She did and she never judged or condemned, but, days later, I was still feeling the guilt. You see, my friend is not just my friend, she is my sister in Christ and I didn't just vent, I gossiped and judged and sinned all over the place. How to go back? Just not possible. How to move on? Still not sure. Shame was heavy and holding on tight.
Friends, this one has taken some effort. Lots of praying it out and thinking it through. Wondering how and why God put this on my heart but I think I am on to something now, and I think I meant to share it with you. The other day I heard Romans 5:1-5. Let's walk through it together and see where it leads us.
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings,because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
What do you hear in those words? Do they speak condemnation or freedom? They surely don't bring me shame. What I hear there is God telling me that I am already justified, not by my behavior, but by my faith in Him. With that comes peace, and I can stand in the grace of my Savior. We don't need grace unless we aren't perfect so it is almost like He expects me to stumble sometimes. As we stand in grace, we can feel proud of the hope that God gives us, for His glory. And not just that, but we can boast in our struggles. Why? Because our shortcomings and battles will develop perseverance and character and, finally, hope. Hope will not put us to shame either because of Christ's love in us. Christ's love, not my perfection, but his perfect love. I can exchange my shame for hope in that which covers all my sin. Isn't that awesome?
Shame has no place in my life. Not because I won't fail. Trust me I will. Not because I work hard or pray more or fast or anything. It has no place because I know who I believe in and I trust in His love. I trust that I can shine His light even in my struggles and shortcomings because I am standing in grace and filled with His love. I don't have to carry the heavy load of shame and guilt. I can be forgiven and live free because there is hope. I can live shame-less. Did you just feel the weight lift? I did.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
My "reasons to sing"
One of my favorite artists has a song called "Reason to Sing". I really love the song because it is about how, at times, we feel overwhelmed in our circumstance, but what we desire most is to sing, to praise, we are just searching for the reason. Tonight as I drove home from a late shift of work, I was struck by just how many reasons to sing I actually have. I thought that I would share some of them with you and maybe encourage you to list out a few of yours. As you do just see if your heart doesn't start to hum a little tune...
Reasons to Sing
No electricity- Maybe not exactly a joyful thing, but today, when I picked up Garrett and was listening to him rant randomly in the backseat, I knew that I had a secret weapon that would calm him down. As soon as I told him that the electricity was out, he smiled and requested that I "step on the gas". The boy loves when the electric goes out. Not as much fun for me but I will sing about it anyway.
Waiting with my boys- My two older boys and I have suffered through waiting rooms, appointments, therapies, and the like for years. This year with Garrett being in a school that starts earlier than theirs, we find ourselves once again with a spare 20 minutes. We spend it in the car reviewing spelling words and being fun and silly. Nothing special, just killing time and hanging out. I love it and feel certain that I will be remembering these times long into the future.
Dentist appointments- We have one this week and I am singing about it. Not because I think it will be a super fun experience, but because I don't feel nearly as anxious as I have in the past. We may not have typical appointments but each time Garrett makes progress and I am confident that God will see him through this one as well.
"Stupid" and "hate"- This may sound crazy but, Garrett has started using these two words lately and it kind of makes me smile. Now don't get me wrong, I correct him and make him try kinder words, but I feel some amount of awkward joy that Garrett is interacting with his peers enough to pick up on some "bad" words. We have worked on social skills until it is beyond painful so when I see normal social skills being practiced in any form, I rejoice. He even uses them grammatically correct! These are developmental milestones that I am grateful for.
My job- Now if you know me, you know that I would quit my very casual job in a heartbeat, however, I feel enormously grateful for it all the same. I work 16 measly hours a month. That is like nothing. I am thankful for a husband who provides and for flexible employment. I am thankful that for 16 hours every month I am outside of my comfort zone and trusting in God to help me help others.
Emotional eating- Salted carmel, coffee, chocolate, chips, french fries.....I am ok with eating when life is not ok. It feels good and gives me reason to sing even if just for the moment. Afterward, I can take an emotional walk to work off my emotional eating and that is where God usually heals the hurt. I would sing about it right now but I am eating a muffin.
Signs- Exit signs, open signs, no smoking signs, even caution signs about floors being wet, are some of Garrett's favorite things. He will gladly explain to anyone who will listen what each sign means and it is a readily available distraction every where we go. In fact, we love signs so much that we purchased an open sign to hang in his room. That is worthy of a song to me.
Those are a few of mine. Nothing major, but a few things that make me smile and sing. The song ends by saying that "I need to know that you're still holding the world in your hands, and that is a reason to sing". Enough said, now let's sing.
Reasons to Sing
No electricity- Maybe not exactly a joyful thing, but today, when I picked up Garrett and was listening to him rant randomly in the backseat, I knew that I had a secret weapon that would calm him down. As soon as I told him that the electricity was out, he smiled and requested that I "step on the gas". The boy loves when the electric goes out. Not as much fun for me but I will sing about it anyway.
Waiting with my boys- My two older boys and I have suffered through waiting rooms, appointments, therapies, and the like for years. This year with Garrett being in a school that starts earlier than theirs, we find ourselves once again with a spare 20 minutes. We spend it in the car reviewing spelling words and being fun and silly. Nothing special, just killing time and hanging out. I love it and feel certain that I will be remembering these times long into the future.
Dentist appointments- We have one this week and I am singing about it. Not because I think it will be a super fun experience, but because I don't feel nearly as anxious as I have in the past. We may not have typical appointments but each time Garrett makes progress and I am confident that God will see him through this one as well.
"Stupid" and "hate"- This may sound crazy but, Garrett has started using these two words lately and it kind of makes me smile. Now don't get me wrong, I correct him and make him try kinder words, but I feel some amount of awkward joy that Garrett is interacting with his peers enough to pick up on some "bad" words. We have worked on social skills until it is beyond painful so when I see normal social skills being practiced in any form, I rejoice. He even uses them grammatically correct! These are developmental milestones that I am grateful for.
My job- Now if you know me, you know that I would quit my very casual job in a heartbeat, however, I feel enormously grateful for it all the same. I work 16 measly hours a month. That is like nothing. I am thankful for a husband who provides and for flexible employment. I am thankful that for 16 hours every month I am outside of my comfort zone and trusting in God to help me help others.
Emotional eating- Salted carmel, coffee, chocolate, chips, french fries.....I am ok with eating when life is not ok. It feels good and gives me reason to sing even if just for the moment. Afterward, I can take an emotional walk to work off my emotional eating and that is where God usually heals the hurt. I would sing about it right now but I am eating a muffin.
Signs- Exit signs, open signs, no smoking signs, even caution signs about floors being wet, are some of Garrett's favorite things. He will gladly explain to anyone who will listen what each sign means and it is a readily available distraction every where we go. In fact, we love signs so much that we purchased an open sign to hang in his room. That is worthy of a song to me.
Those are a few of mine. Nothing major, but a few things that make me smile and sing. The song ends by saying that "I need to know that you're still holding the world in your hands, and that is a reason to sing". Enough said, now let's sing.
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