Monday, March 31, 2014

In His Image

I recently started a devotional book about prayer and I have found several things impressionable about the experience.  One thing that has really stood out to me was my prayers for my kids. My boys are the beat of my heart and I was surprised to find that my prayers did not necessarily reflect that. I want to change them and fix them too many times.

Parker hates fruits and veges but loves to read. Garrett loves to play pretend and eats several chocolate donuts a week. Carter builds legos and can talk for hours on end. 

These are my boys. All three are completely different and yet the Bible tells me that they are each created in God's image. This truth has been milling around in my brain lately. I have found myself struggling with the reality that His image is not just in the obvious ones,  Mother Teresa, my parents and grandparents, John the Baptist. We see God in them all the time, the things they say and do very much reflect their faith and their creator. When I look at my boys I can see God's hand but I see such differences too. How can this be?

I am sure that I don't have all the answers but I am sure that God in all his greatness never makes mistakes. That means that the faults and failures that I see in myself are not mistakes. This means that  the faults and failures of the people around me are not God's mistakes. How many times have I strolled through Walmart having a conversation in my head about what is wrong with the mom in aisle 3 or the dad in front of me in line? Too many times, I am ashamed to say. Being a parent has humbled me in so many ways and being a parent to a special needs child has brought me to my knees.  Now I see the screaming toddler and pray for the judgers to have deaf ears to his cries. I pray for his mom to find the peace and strength to check out without crying or yelling. I know that I have been that mom and will certainly be again. Sometimes it is a misunderstanding, sometimes lack of sleep, sensory overload, or not enough; when I find myself at the mercy of a "fit" I just pray for it to end.  I would never claim to know all but I do know that we are all different, all special, and most of us are really just trying to do the best we can. I want to see everyone for the gift that God made them to be. I hope others can see each of my boys the way that God sees them. I pray that I can see His image and give Him the glory for that. There are no mistakes in his creation. Autism is not a mistake. Hating veges is not a mistake. Being a chatterbox is not a mistake. I am the one who makes the mistake when I fail to embrace my boys as individuals with different characteristics and yet each created in the image of the Almighty.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

My list...

I read a devotional this week about capturing moments in our life and taking mental pictures. The author called them "blink" moments because they pass in "blink" and we choose to savor or to let them go. She said we could" blink" the good and the bad of life and just hold them away to look back over like a mental photo book. The devotional ended with the author encouraging us all to make a list of our "blink" moments. Here is some of my list.....

Parker and Daddy singing Frozen songs a little too loud at Muriales.
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Walks in the rain with my boys wearing rain boots and hunting worms
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Carter's house in Hawaii. This is his future home to be shared with his wife and his six kids.
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Conversations in the back seat of my van shared between my kids. They have covered topics from baseball to marriage to hot dogs and I love listening in.
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Garrett dancing to "Let it go". He knows every move and would make a great Elsa.
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Daddy and the boys playing baseball in the front yard.
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Meme and Pap playing in the ocean with their grandkids.
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Ryan being so nervous on our wedding day.
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My first Pirates' game. All my boys were so proud of me.
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Carter's first smile.
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The first time Garrett said "yes". We worked very hard for that word and it still makes me cry to think about it.
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Parker's recent announcement that he was going to continue to fast most fruits and vegetables since he has for the last couple of years.
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Garrett singing "I am a Promise"
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This is my short list. It was such a great exercise to think back and remember the moments that are worth remembering. I only listed the good but the tough moments are equally as worthy because of the humble lesson they each bring with them. I hope I always remember this concept and that as life flies by I can store up lots of "blinks" and always remember.

Monday, March 17, 2014

If you teach my boys...

As I prepare for Garrett to start a new school, I feel so torn. I find myself hopeful and fearful.  I want him to adjust and yet, I am losing some of my beloved control. Where do I go with all of these thoughts is to my prayer closet. I don't have a specific closet, so to speak, although, my car, my bath, and my family room floor have heard many of my heaven bound cries, I just quiet my mind and turn it over to the One who has always been in control.

I pray that the teachers and faculty members would look on my boy with love and patience. I pray they would desire to understand him and that they would take the time to dig deeper when needed. I pray they would look him in the eyes, that makes listening easier for him. And that they would give him simple instructions. I pray if he feels uncomfortable that they would comfort him. I pray they will enjoy his laugh and his smile and forgive him when he yells or gets frustrated. I pray they would let him be independent and let him struggle but never let him feel like he is failing. I pray they wouldn't just want to "fix" him but that they would embrace his quirkiness. I pray that they would  let him eat with his spoon upside down and don't stress it if he forgets his socks. I pray they would sing. He likes to sing.  I pray they would know that red cheeks means he is tired so go a little slower. I pray they would run and jump and play, as well as teach the ABC's. I pray they would let him be him while teaching him how to adapt easier when adaption is required. I pray he would love them and they would love him. I pray because it is all I know. I have done it for each of boys and each of their teachers. This time is different and yet so similar in some ways. Whether it is Parker starting kindergarten or Carter trying to follow after his big brother or G leaving my safe arms,  if you teach my boys I pray for you.  If you teach my boys, you are listed in my prayer journal, your name is whispered from my front seat, and there have been late nights where I have lifted you up from my knees on my family room floor. I pray because I know that where I can not be and what I can not do, my Father in heaven has already been and already done.

Friday, March 7, 2014

"I get you"

I had a "burning bush" moment this week. My devotional right now is taking me through the story of Moses and I find that he and I have so much in common. He was put in a position by The Lord and he seriously doubted his ability to do the task that The Lord had for him. I love that he doesn't hesitate to tell God how he feels about his struggles. He reminds me of myself when I cry out in my prayers and remind God that I am not "that mom". I am not the mom who can handle the struggles that I often find myself in.

Wednesday was a humbling day that reminded me of my huge inadequacies. It started with a women's study that I was hosting. I worked to get the house in order and the dog put in his crate and then I prayed that Garrett would do OK. I do not relish the struggles we face adapting Garrett because it is hard to watch him struggle but also, selfishly, because it can be embarrassing for me. You see, I am the mom who wants to have it all together and sometimes I just don't. My house was in order and my dog was in his crate but my child was unhappy and expressing it in aggression, yelling, fighting, a messy fit. I felt so inadequate, so defeated, so embarrassed, and so humbled.

Thankfully God followed it up later that night with my "burning bush" moment. It was toward bedtime and I was ranting at my oldest son that I could not do everything- for everyone -all the time. Yes,  I can admit that I am not "that mom", although not always politely. After my rant, and then my apology, Parker kindly responded with, "It's OK mom. I get you". That immediately brought tears to my eyes because I felt like God was speaking thorough him reminding me that I only need to be me. God doesn't give me or Moses more than we can handle. He knows us and He loves us and He equips us. For Moses, it was a staff and his brother Aaron. For me, that day, it was my eight year old's forgiveness and understanding. God in all of his awesomeness has given us help in our trouble. He has given me my family, my friends, my quiet times with Him and,  with those blessings close at hand I can humbly keep going. He "gets me" and that is more than enough.



Sunday, March 2, 2014

The "jump"

Today my son built a jump. He does this most days. Takes every pillow, cushion, and blanket he can find and then jumps into them from several steps higher. Today was different because he wanted me to throw him down into his pile. As I was standing there witnessing his faith in me to land him safely, I thought of how lately God has been nudging me to trust him. He has put this idea of blogging in my mind and I have struggled to jump. I hesitate because I don't trust myself but today I realized I don't have to. I can trust Him to land me safely wherever He wants me. So here goes...

God has blessed me abundantly in life but, as is my tendency, I have not always trusted in His plans. Take for instance my jump-loving son, Garrett is a blessing in so many ways but 9 months ago when he was diagnosed as autistic, I wondered at the purpose in that. I struggled not with why but I questioned how God would work through my son's challenges. I have since realized that I better be ready with open palms because  His blessings are abundant even in difficult circumstances. There was the recent dentist appointment when Garrett let the hygienist floss his teeth without having to be held down. There is my 8 year old who knows what scripting is and has shown such compassion as the biggest brother. My 7 year old loves to jump on the trampoline with his brother and will gladly play in shaving cream for hours. Open hands get me through everyday. They fill up with words like, "you are my best friend mommy" and "mommy, you can lay down with me?" God's plans are perfect. He makes no mistakes and trusting Him is both the easiest and hardest thing I will ever do. This journey is different than what I had planned but I will say it again and again, where He leads, I will follow.