Trust and Obey

My family laughed out loud at my lent idea! Literally, they all laughed, a couple smirked, and one, who I won’t name, fell out of his seat. To be fair, he got on his knees because that's what I’m doing for lent. I’m committing to a literal, physical posture of prayer. I wrestled with it for a couple days, wondering why and if I was just a bit off, but I’m certain it’s what God wants from me.  This is why I’m going to humble myself daily through this lenten season and seek God. 

I was thinking this through this morning during my quiet time when I came across one of my favorite little sections in Numbers. At the end of Numbers 9 there is a section in my Bible titled “The Fiery Cloud”.  It explains how the presence of the Lord was in a cloud that covered the tabernacle during the day. This cloud turned to a pillar of fire at night and it was the Israelites witness to God's presence in their life. There is so much goodness in this for me! First off, a cloud! I am a sunshine, vitamin D kinda girl! I love blue skies and the warm sunlight in my windows and on my face. I keep my shades open all the time and think of myself as a sun chaser on my winter walks, so this cloud thing grabs me. Clouds bring to my mind overcast or blurry images. The other sign of God's presence was fire.  Now, fire makes me think of haze and fog, fear and unknown.  What I think is that God wants us to look to him and trust, even when it’s not perfectly clear. You see, the other part of this is that when that cloud moved or that pillar of fire lifted, camp broke and they moved! How amazing is that? God’s physical presence moving before an entire nation, in direct instruction! We think that would make it easier but would it really? I mean, they had to trust blindly. I can follow a sunny trial but give me clouds or shadows and I’m more hesitant. These people had to literally pack up and move when the cloud moved. They were clueless as to where or how or what it would look like, they just followed. It’s so crazy to my mind! 

Isn't trust what it always comes back to? I was reading in my devotional and it said, “Trust is not worried or anxious, because it has entered into God's rest. Trust is not confused because it has no need to lean on its own understanding. Trust does not give up or panic. Trust believes that God is good and that He works all things out for our good”. Even when we can’t see ahead because the cloud is blocking or when there is fire ahead and we're filled with fear, if God calls us, we need to go. Whether we know the road or the destination, when we are afraid and unsure, we are called to move, to trust and obey. Sometimes trust involves getting on our knees, getting uncomfortable and seeking God from a more humble and submissive place. I know for me, I want to know, like really know, that things are going to be ok and go the way I want them to. The reality in my life has been that I could never have imagined the things God has had in store. My own plans wouldn’t have led me anywhere close to where my faith has taken me. I’m so glad that God hasn’t let me see too far ahead or I might have struggled to trust in the cloudy seasons. Rarely would I have chosen the fire, but it’s where my greatest refinement has happened and will continue to happen. In this phase of life where my boys are starting to make grown up plans and face so many hard choices, I believe the same for their lives. God's plans may not always look or feel clear but they are sure to always be good and worthy.

At the end of it all, I’m grateful for God's leading and presence in life. My desire is to be faithful, to trust and obey. I may not be able to see him with my eyes as a cloud or pillar of fire but, I can feel him and I can have peace in that. I pray that my life’s testimony sounds like the last verse in numbers 9:23-"so they camped or traveled at the Lord's command, and they did whatever the Lord told them.” 

Also…it was Parker. He’s the one mocking child from the first paragraph…

IEPs and me

IEPs….I think it stands for individualized education plan. I cried in the van after our first one. Several minutes of straight up sobbing sitting outside my friend’s house who was watching my babies, my perfect boys, at least to me. I remember another one where the special Ed teacher afterward wrote me the sweetest note reminding that God doesn’t see my child as needy or autistic, He planned and purposed him and sees a beloved child. I cried after that too! I’ve had IEPs and meetings and evaluations since G was 2. That’s when I knew in my mama heart that he was different. I was scared and nervous, a little devastated, and so naive and uneducated. Today I got the draft for our next IEP. We’ve been at this school long enough that G is known and accepted and the notes on the form reflected that. There are still the test results and some below where he should be and some above grade level Mixed in the midst of all that academic stuff, there are the also the best little nuggets about how he wants to move to DC when he gets old enough to run for President, how he complains but can be redirected and do hard things, about how he’s excited about Spanish but not sure if he’ll make it a favorite. That’s what made me tear up this time, reading the truth and recognizing that God never makes mistakes and G is proof of that. 

Isaiah 61:3 says, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing, instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory”.  As a parent of a special needs child, there is also a bit of mourning that takes place. It's mourning the expected and so-called normal path, the known. There is  fear and anxiousness over the unknown and unexpected. I have experienced some level of these emotions for each of my boys. I felt fear, anxiety, sadness. I’ve been disappointed in them, in myself, in the world we live in. I’ve cried all the tears, but I’ve also felt so much gratefulness. I can truly say that God has turned my tears into joy. In the case of G, it’s in recognizing that G is that “great oak planted for the Lord's glory”. He challenges and strengthens himself and all of us with the struggles he overcomes. He encourages us with his innocent genuineness and child-like faith in life. He draws me closer to God and shows me God's great goodness just by being who he is and just the way God made him to be. With my other two boys and parenting in general, I've felt the a deep inadequacy that causes me to lean into my Savior. Watching them quickly outgrow me in size and intellect and, sometimes,  faith. It's hard as a mama to let go when we don't know where life will take our babies. I've worried and wondered and hurt and rejoiced, always returning to the One in whom our confident hope lies, the One who can be trusted because he knows how the story ends.

It’s taken some time, some changes in my heart and my mind, but I can confidently say that IEPs don’t cause me to mourn. Today I feel the joyous blessing instead. Blessed to be my boys’ mama. Blessed to trust in the God who planned and purposed each of them. I still recognize and struggle against the unknowns and futures of all my boys but their roots are deep and God's strength is theirs, and mine.