I've always been a writer, a journaler, a note taker. I've always loved words. I started this blog many moons ago when I had 3 young boys who rode bikes, played sideyard ball and taught me patience and joy in the everyday. Today I am a mom of 3 young men who drive cars, are smarter than me (and know it), and who teach me what it really means to live with my hands open in motherhood. They are preparing to live their own lives, on the cusp of adventures and plans that I couldn't have imagined. They challenge me to dig deeper in my faith and how to speak each of their love languages, just so they remember how much their dear old mom really does love them.
It isn't ironic in this season of my oldest son graduating and taking his next steps into adulthood and my other two not far behind at all, that I am reading through Paul"s letters in my quiet time. I don't know that Paul had any actual physical children of his own, in fact I'm pretty sure he didn't, but he was obedient in being that father of many bodies of believers. His offspring were the ones who he taught and nurtured with the words of God and the great testimony of his faith. He would spend time in a place and plant and start and grow a church and then be called on to do it again in a new and fresh place over and over again. All the while, Paul was also living a life where he struggled with persecution, a personal weakness or thorn in his side, and other hardships and trials. Hs letters to his churches are reflections of his heart for the people that he loved and felt responsibility toward but who were also living apart from him in some capacity or another.
When my oldest stumbled down the steps today chatting about college and tuition and jobs, I was just making my way through 2 Timothy. As I listened to him and his views, thoughts, and feelings about life and next steps, I tried not to get overcome with the concerns of how hard it can be. Adulthood isn't easy and living for Jesus doesn't guarantee blue skies, actually, it's kind of the opposite. I found myself getting afraid for him and all my boys and what the world might throw at them. I was standing there, feeling the mom anxiousness kicking in when I looked down and reread 2 timothy 2:21-22. It says, "Therefore, if anyone cleanses himself from what is dishonorable, he will be a vessel for honorable use, set apart as holy, useful to the master of the house, ready for every good work. So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." I underlined and prayed right then and there out loud with coffee in hand and kid in the kitchen. I prayed for God's will, not mine, for protection, for peace. I prayed we would both be obedient and full of trust. I prayed for forgiveness for our tendency to do it our way and want now answers.
It isn't any easier to live with my hands wide open just because my boys have outgrown me. It can even cause me to want to hold on tighter. When I realize thought that I need cleansed and they need cleansed, that we all have to be emptied so that we can be filled with God and all the better that He has for us, then, I can let go, at least a little, for a moment or two. I want my boys to be men who are found faithful and honorable, who grow their faith and help others along the way. I want them to know that they can always run into the arms of Jesus. I, like Paul, recognize that I am limited by so many things but I can pray. I can write. I can live the best example I know how and I can trust in my faithful God to fill in all the gaps. God's love for my boys outmeasures mine and that's more than enough. I'm so thankful for his word which reminds me of that everyday. In the next chapter, Paul reminds us that there will hard times, difficulties and struggles in life's journey, but we never walk alone. God is faithful and knowing that he holds my boys in his palm gives my mom heart the strength it needs to let go and let God today and for all the tomorrows as well.
