What if I'd Known...

God woke me up the other night. I say it was Him because I know it was Him. I woke in the middle of the night with a question burning in my heart and my mind. It begged to be answered and refused to go away. The question that He was asking me was, "What if you had known?" I tried to shrug it off but sleep wouldn't return until I asked and honestly answered for myself. Would I do it different, would I change anything, if I'd known? I sat up and let it roll around inside me. I searched my heart and by brain and I let my tears fall as I was made certain of my reply. I asked myself about it all and dug for the truthful answer...

What if I'd known that that first date would turn into a lifetime? What if I'd known about the good, the bad, and the ugly? The easy laughs and often unspoken words? His fear of needles? What if I'd known about all the shirts and dress pants I'd have to iron, which I hate doing? What if I'd known that he would rise before most of the neighborhood and take with him my chance of ever sleeping in again? What if I'd known about his fear of heights and his love of research? What if I'd known that promising through sickness and health wasn't a guarantee of health? What if I'd known about the things that make me tick like the hair in the sink and six string instrument that would become like an extremity to him? What if I'd known that his t-shirt collection would only continue to grow and that he would expect me to match his socks? What if I'd known that he would never pick a romance over an action film or volunteer to read our devotional at night? What if I'd known that he hates sleeping on the couch while I love it? What if I'd known how much smarter than me he really was? How much my babies would admire him? What if I'd known that I would come to depend on him like air? What if I'd known that he would never understand the female brain or like jeggings and other fashion trends? What if I'd known about his cheesy midday texts and how much more he likes the dog than the rest of us do? What if I'd known that he would encourage me and challenge me and love me and annoy me all at the same time? Would I still promise until the day I die and give my very self to him?

What if I'd known that there would only be sons? What if I'd known that the moment that first little boy opened his eyes he would steal a part of my heart? What if I'd known that those boys would just keep coming and keep taking a part of me with them? What if I'd known that they would get louder as they got older? What if I'd known that they would love toots and dirt? What if I'd known that they would never tire before exhausting me? What if I'd known that bedtime books and prayers would replace any television show and that I wouldn't even miss it? What if I'd known that the stinky boy smell would permeate my car, my home, every part of my life? What if I'd known that I would fear for them more than I ever did for myself and that I would pray for them with every breath some days? What if I'd known about the jumping, the running? What if I'd known about the sock obsession and all the underpant varieties? What if I'd known about the ever present ring of dirt in my precious bathtub? And the dog? That dog really could be the swaying factor! What if I'd known that there would be days when I would want nothing more than ten minutes boy-free, but those same days they would need me even more? What if I'd known that one of them never makes it to the toilet when he is sick and that the other wants his back scratched when I have just sat down? What if I'd known that you would want to have important life conversations while I am in the middle of making dinner? What if I'd known about the autism and the therapies and the struggles and the triumphs? What if I'd known how they would change me and grow me beyond what I could imagine? Would I change any of it, if I'd known?

As I rolled over and buried my tear stained cheeks in my pillow and prayed through it all, all I could say was "no".  No, I wouldn't change a thing, even if I'd known. I would do it all again, every painful and beautiful and hard and wonderful moment again. This life is mine and I would never want to change it. I'm not sure how much time passed but eventually my tears subsided and I felt God's peace leading me back to sleep and I knew that He had woken me so that I would know and He would know, and that would help us both through wherever He took me. The next morning as I lay in bed listening to my love shower and snuggling with one of my littles, I was overcome with the awesomeness of the midnight awakening and how much joy and strength it gave me. As I climbed out of bed and prepared to make my husband's breakfast and pack his lunch, I looked at him and I told him, "you know, even if I'd known it all, I wouldn't change it." He looked at me and words passed in his look without him speaking a thing and I knew that he needed to know it too. Sometimes, when we want to think we want things different, it's good to realize that we probably really want to be right where we are. Even if I'd known......I really wouldn't change a thing.

A new friend named Zoey

Every morning starts the same. I wake up to find my youngest, Garrett,  standing inches from my face or snuggled at my side, requesting his chocolate milk. I tease him about bringing him strawberry milk instead and remind him to go potty first. We talk about how we are BFFs while I stretch and, usually, he places a second request for his milk before I roll my tired self out of bed and meander toward the kitchen. It's always chocolate milk, always in his fish cup, always in my bed with me laying beside him. That is how we roll. Garrett likes for things to stay the same. Honestly, I think we all do really. He feels safe when life is predictable. A new cup, a different drink, a distracted mommy, these just don't work for G and so our days start the same, unfortunately,  not everything can always stay the same.

As the first day of school too quickly approaches, I have begun prepping my boys for some major changes. One of the biggest is that Garrett will be going to a new school this year. It is not one that he is terribly unfamiliar with because both of his brothers have gone there but it is new to him. Anytime we can prepare him and help him adapt more easily,  we try to do just that and so we have been talking more and more about some of the things that will be different. Garrett admits to feeling nervous and a little scared which both breaks and warms my heart. I love to hear him express himself so clearly but I hate that it is not always confidence that he feels. I want him to not fear change but to be able to adapt. Admittedly though,  even I am a tad frightened when I think about new beginnings in our little world.

Another change our family is facing is that Parker is moving up to middle school. Those two words should cause all parents to shudder and I am no different. Already I feel disconnected and like I am sending him out into the  great unknown. I am not sure how to best prepare him but we are doing the basics. We talk about it and we bought the trapper keeper, pencils, and high lighters. I, of course, don't show any of my fear to him but, when I start to think on it too much, I have no choice but to pray before the panic sets in. Change may be necessary in living life, but it is also scary.

Change is a natural and unavoidable part of life. Just in the last few months, we have seen several in our family. We have changed shapes. We have changed sizes. We have changed seasons and sports. We have changed treatment plans. Goals and dreams have changed. We have even switched the boys' bedrooms up a bit (another change strongly protested by G). Change is inevitable. We can't stop it and sometimes we can't prepare for it. Sometimes it brings good and healing and rightness to our lives and sometimes it brings pain and struggle and hardship. What anchors me in the midst of all this change is a truth expressed in a song we sang this week at church. It says 'the wind and waves still know His name".  As I listened to those words throughout the week prior while Ryan was preparing for worship, I was choked every time I heard them. They speak of power and security even with the uncertain and uncontrollable.The waves, the tide of earth, the ebb and flow of the sea, as ever changing as they are, still know the Master's voice. The wind that bends and even breaks the trees of every forest across the land, the wind that falls the leaves and cools us with an evening breeze is obedient to His command. The changes will come but I can be sure of Him always.

Another change that our family has experienced this season is that Garrett has started some horse therapy. It has been a beautiful change for us. He seems so strong and big and at peace when he is on a horse. This week the wonderful volunteers had saddled a new horse named Zoey for G. G did not like this change. He adamantly argued that he wanted Titus, that Zoey was too many "centimeters". After some compromising from both sides and a quick side to side comparison, G discovered that Zoey was also a good horse, not one to be afraid of, and they successfully completed a scavenger hunt together. Zoey was not just a new friend for us, though, Zoey was a game changer. The experience gave us much to talk about. We talked about how sometimes new things are scary but they can still be okay. We talked about how he felt and how Zoey might have felt meeting a new boy for the first time. We talked about how change is hard but necessary. I told him how proud I was of him for being brave and trying a new thing. We are still talking about it days later. Life is never going to stay the same for any of us. There will always be new days, new experiences, new friends, and new fears but I trust in the Anchor that holds steady and true, the same voice that the wind and waves obey wants to talk with me daily.  In the face of each day and whatever joys and struggles it brings, I agree with G, who in his best country accent tells his horse friends, "walk on Zoey ( or Titus), walk on".