Monday, August 10, 2015

Milestones

I well remember that knot in the pit of your stomach the night before the first day of school? Remember the feeling of anxiety and worry? Would anyone say "hi"? Where would I sit on the bus? Who would sit with me? What if I got in trouble? What if I didn't do something right? How long would the day last and how long would it feel? I can remember little girl and sometimes bigger girl tears squeaking out. I felt alone and scared. I could have forever stayed in the comfort of my home, within reach of my mom's arms and under the safe cocoon of my family's love and acceptance. I enjoyed school but, I was always a nervous ninny about first days and new things. This is something I have never outgrown. A couple of weeks ago, I drove through a school zone and found tears making tracks down my cheeks as I attempted to place my fears in perspective. I was praying, truly begging for God to protect my boys. I asked Him to bless them with teachers who would love them and cherish them and friends to come alongside them. I asked Him to give them confidence and kindness, to help them be strong and courageous, all while I, their mom, was feeling weak and frightened. I want to live my life with my hands wide open but, in my heart, I felt my grip struggling to let go of some of my greatest gifts. I want them with me, close to me, but that is not what God wants from me.

This summer has been such a time of growing up for our family. Each boy has grown physically, mentally, and emotionally. One sign of this was Garrett's first sleepover (not including meme and pap's). The big boys and G stayed at our friend's house the other night. It was odd for me to plan on not having G climb into my bed at 6 but instead to find three sleeping bags and three sets of pjs. It was a campout of sorts and so I was included in the festivities and got to watch him be one of the kids. Parker is reading through a Bible without pictures and Carter read through the Action Bible like his big brother. Garrett also played his first organized sport. We tried new things like the rail trails with only bikes, no strollers.  The big boys are becoming more mature and Garrett is so much more social, learning things like right and wrong and how other people are feeling in situations. Garrett also began reading and spelling. For instance, he is allowed to say "oh my godh (gosh)" but not, "oh my God". We went to a soccer camp and so much more. They were all milestones and they all came with certain stresses and great victories (most of the time). I love watching my boys grow and I can honestly say that I enjoy the people that they are becoming but I also hate it. I find myself wanting to stop time so that they will always fit in my lap and in my grasp. I worry if there will come a time when they won't need or want my arms to comfort them or if my arms will always fit around my most precious gifts. I am afraid of what my big boys might soon face that I won't be able to help them with either because I am not there or just because they choose not to share it with me. I fear that Garrett will be bullied or misunderstood and that I won't be there to protect him and guide him. These are not anxious thoughts of a mad woman either, there are many more moms out there like me. We love our babies and we don't know how to let them go or if we want to.

Each year of school is very symbolic of milestones. This is Parker's last year before middle school and Carter is  quickly becoming less child and more boy. Garrett is a first grader and will have a whole new set of hurtles to conquer. I was still struggling with this the other day when I thought of the image of the cross. I pictured me there on one side and my boys on the other and I wanted God to understand that the gap between us was too wide, too much for this mama to bear, and entirely too far for me to reach. And then, I saw what was on that cross...my Savior, waiting there, with his arms stretched wide. He was reaching for me and for them and the distance was not too long for him. He had all of us in his wide open hands and his love was covering. It was more than enough. He was more than enough. In my mind's eye, I saw that my boys are never without, they are always safe. They need never fear or worry, nor do I, because God has reached across the chasm and has promised to never leave them. Where I can not be, He already is. The ironic thing is that Garrett is currently moderately obsessed with the cross. He likes to talk about how Jesus died on the cross for us and then three days later went to heaven to wait for us. Part his obsession includes building and drawing crosses. He will frequently find pieces of scrap wood and build a cross and then take what he calls a  "rest" on it. Is it odd? Yes, but, it is G and so we roll with it. What a lovely reminder to me and all of us that we too can "rest" on the cross. We don't need to do everything or be everywhere for our kids because the work is already complete and Love is always with them. His hands are open, the cross is conquered and so I need not fear.

My tears will likely still come on that first day. I will probably be the mom choking back tears at drop off and counting down hours until pick up. I will be praying for my boys, for their teachers and their classmates. Ryan will call and ask me how I am doing and I will lie and say "ok". I can't say that I won't fear but I can say that I will turn to the same place that I go for all of my other struggles. I will go the cross. I will find my Jesus there and I will rest. I will trust that by letting my boy blessings go, I am really just giving them back to the Giver who is always waiting with hands wide open.