Look up

I hit a rough spot recently. I was feeling tired and fearful and anxious. I could hear it in my words, in my tone. I would see it in my actions. My mind felt too flustered to think and my breath came shallow and short. My heart beat fast and the worries and struggles of the the world were wearing my down. During those times I find myself asking questions like, how do you calm storms inside of yourself? How do you stand in the midst of the fire without fear? How can I be strong when I feel so very very weak?

There is only one place to turn when I feel this way and it is up. The Bible says that there will be fire, He has to mold us. There will be weeping, but it only lasts for a night. I am weak, but I AM is always strong.

Several things struck me as hard and wore me down a bit. Garrett is off on his sleep schedule and his routine, so he is more stimulated. With that comes behaviors and moods that are difficult to deal with and he is less adaptive and more anxious. When he is on, I have to be on too and it doesn't take long for both of us to grow weary. Also, the way that others perceive him and deal with him is different. I have noticed that some kids are immediately turned off by him and react negatively. They aren't patient and kind and forgiving and, frankly, I'm not either, with him or them. Other adults can also be standoffish with G, not sure how to take him. All of this is tough on my heart and makes me long for easy and normal, not hard and different. I find myself feeling defensive and protective .

The funny thing is that the opposite is also true. Some kids crave G's crazy and gravitate toward it. Some adults recognize and love his spontaneity and that he is always on and always real. These people become my angels in disguise, my moments of peace, G's best friends. It's like God gave me tough and tired so that He could bless me with soft and rest. I think I wouldn't be able to recognize all of His gifts if at times I wasn't desperate for them. I feel joy more intensely because sometimes I am grieving. I feel His peace stronger because my heart feels tight with worry. I want to breathe Him in because I have to. I am in awe of ALL that He is and does for me because I need His grace every moment. I find that if I am grateful, I can feel His grace filling up all my empty.

We will all go through tough spots. We will be bullied and beat down by some people and things in this life. Sometimes we will respond with love and forgiveness and other times we will hurt and hate. We live in a broken world and fall short everyday of the Savior that we serve. We all will face fire, cry tears, feel fear, and worry but He will never leave us to face it alone. When I feel frustrated and discouraged, the question I need to ask is, where would I be without my God? How could I live with out Him? Let me share a recent prayer from my journal that expresses it better,
 
    "So in the midst of feeling down, I will look up and know that He is ALL, ALL that I am not, ALL that I need and, ALL that I could ever want".

May this be my prayer of praise regardless of fires and storms, worries and fears. May we all remember to look up and let Him be ALL.