Monday, December 1, 2014

Holiday hassles and Hope

"The Holidays", what does this bring to mind for you? The potlucks, the parties, the presents, or not? I have to admit that my thoughts are a bit different. I love the potlucks, the parties and the presents but, as with all things, the holidays can be a struggle for those of us with a special needs child. I often feel like my already stretched existence gets tugged even thinner as I attempt to do it all during the holiday season while anticipating that Garrett may not participate at all. The lack of schedule, the crowds, the busy-ness and emotional highs of this time of year are not easy for him to adapt to. When you need stability and predictability, this season is frightening and exhausting. What everyone around you thinks is fun, is hot and loud and just too much for my little man. It becomes a game of sorts where Ryan and I take turns trying to get him though the transitions all the while maintaining some level of enjoyment for everyone involved. Garrett has slept through parties, yelled at the wrong times, and refused to open presents on more than one occasion. Let me give you a few examples.

This Thanksgiving was a very special one for our family because my brother and his family were in to visit for the week. All of my boys deeply love my niece so the week was filled with playing games, sleepovers, and lots of fun. Garrett was doing great but by Thursday, he was beginning to get a little rough around the edges. When we arrived at my parent's house, he did fine for the first little bit but as more people began to come, he slowly started to unravel. He ended up in time out for unkind talk and after several failed attempts by me and my complete loss of patience, Ryan took over. The solution was to put Garrett back in a bedroom, lights out, covers pulled up tight, until he could keep his cool. It took about a half hour and then he joined back in the festivities but we still had to play by his rules some. With Garrett we don't stress what he eats but that he sits at the table and engages for a few minutes. He doesn't have to say what he is thankful for or close his eyes and bow his head during the family prayer, he just has to try to use kind words to his cousins. It is all a process, a delicate sort of dance. Everyone, from Garrett, to me and Ryan and the boys, to the other cousins, we all make exceptions.

Another example was last Christmas. Christmas eve went over fairly well. Garrett didn't engage as much at the Christmas eve family party but we could blame it on tiredness. He lasted almost through the stockings before he started to cave on Christmas morning. It was one of those moments where you just turn off the camera because it is not video worthy. We continued to take turns with the older boys opening their gifts and eventually, after lots of help, Garrett had all of his presents opened. He, of course, didn't like what we thought he would and wanted, instead, to play with Carter's legos and Parker's k'nex roller coaster with about a thousand pieces between them but we kept him calm and stayed relatively relaxed ourselves. We let him take his necessary breaks and even threw in a bath with some sensory input and then headed off to open presents with my family. Things didn't go well there. G was done and over the whole thing. He ended up in a different room than everyone else. About every hour one of my siblings or my parents would attempt to engage him enough that he would open up their gift to him. There were very few thank yous, except the forced ones. There were lots of tears and tantrums but thankfully we made it through. Ryan and I  once again took turns and we let him slip into his jammie pants and handle things the way he could. Always an adaption but it is what we have to do.

My last example is from tonight. I have learned to set my expectations lower, so as we all gathered to do our first advent devotional my main goal was to engage the big boys and keep the candle lit for more than a minute before G blew it out, a never ending problem we fought with last year. To Garrett, a lite candle needs blown out. We started talking about worship and I gave Garrett a paper to write on in an effort to keep him focused. He joined into the conversation and actually gave appropiate examples of fun Christmas songs and worship Christmas songs. He hung around to hear the scripture reading and then we prayed and he thanked God for his favorite board game. I had one more reading that I had not even planned on but when I looked up and noticed that the candle was still burning I grabbed it up and we discussed the hope of the advent season. After all was completed, I leaned across the table and blew the flame out in awe of the hope that God has given me. Our little family, including G had made it through an entire devotional time without any issues or major distractions.

The holidays can be stressful for me. I want everyone to enjoy and understand the reason for the season and the excitement of it all. Like with all of life with autism, there are exceptions but there are the moments when hope wins. I am hopeful that every year will get easier. I am hopeful that Garrett will someday have a real life relationship with the baby Jesus who we celebrate. I am hopeful that he will love parties and presents and potlucks. I am hopeful that even if he doesn't, God will get us through it. The holidays are full of hassles but also overflowing with hope.

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