Trusting the Process

Five blankets! Thick, heavy, placed one on top of the other, that’s how my G has his bed arranged. He gets his sleepy vitamin (he now realizes that his vitamins make him sleepy) and after being repeatedly reminded to potty and brush his teeth, after turning on Alexa to Spotify or an audible book, he situates himself under 5 blankets. The funny thing is that we have tried weighted blankets and vests repeatedly through the years and G has repeatedly despised them! He says they feel heavy and uncomfortable and refuses them. G is very educated that he has sensory processing disorder and that he experiences life differently and needs certain sensory input but he still resists what he needs. He shuns what is best for him and often seeks a lesser replacement. Where does he get this tendency? In my heart and yours! When I think of my own lack of accepting what God wants to give me..

I heard a sermon this weekend that spoke of this same sort of situation. The pastor was discussing the process. It’s what comes between the plan and the purpose. We know God has a plan to use us for his purposes but there is something that must happen in the in between and it’s the process. It’s where the molding and the making, the shifting and the shaping, it’s where the higher thoughts and the deeper roots are found and formed. It’s where we get lost sometimes. You see, it often doesn’t feel good. Have you ever kneaded bread? My mom showed me how to make pepperoni rolls from scratch recently. I hastily scribbled down her instructions on an old envelope and a few weeks later felt confident that I could follow her plan and enjoy the end result all on my own. I specifically wrote that the dough had to be kneaded for 15 minutes and I remembered my mom's words to not skip on this hard part. I even remembering commenting on how impressed I was with her pushing and rolling and beating that dough ball. When my turn came though, I got a bit off the plan.. it was hard, and I was tired, and my arms hurt and I had to stand on my tiptoes just to do it and I had something I needed to get to, so I quit a little early. You can probably guess what happened to that batch of rolls, they didn’t turn out at all. They were awful and flat and dry and nothing like they should’ve been. Why? Because I skimped on the process. I tried to go the easy route and the end result showed it. Too often in my life, God has called me down a road I didn’t want to take. I’ve looked ahead and wondered if it would be easier to turn back and go another route. I think of G and when I first felt in my heart that he was different from my other boys, special in his own way.  I told my doctor who thought I might be overreacting and I could've turned back and let it go but I knew God was leading me on. He helped me gave the courage to seek my own evaluations and answers and, although I spent more than a few tears feeling scared and sad and overwhelmed, I am so glad that I didn’t skimp on the process. In the end I have a beautiful boy who amazes and blesses and teaches me every day.  I didn't understand the whole plan, and really I still don't, but I'm trusting daily in the process and the purpose.

Last month was one year since we moved from our hometown to our new town. We noted it as a family and talked about it over dinner and while sitting on the back porch. The consensus was unanimous. It’s all good and ok. The year has not been the easiest. There were new schools and friends and teams and schedules. We had to find a new church and new normals. We had some kidney stones and Ryan's belly got sketchy and required new meds and treatments. We started new traditions and enjoyed new experiences. We visited and vacationed and FaceTimed and portaled. We cried a few tears and grew our personal fruits of patience and kindness and gentleness. It’s been a process for sure and one that’s still happening but we all agreed that we are grateful. It has made us closer and stronger and more intentional and brave. It’s a shaping and a shifting, a molding and a making, a plan different from our own but we’re trusting with every step. And really, that’s the point. We get to our purposes by living out God's process every day faithfully. We trust for today and for all the tomorrows and when we fear or worry or are weak, we lean in a bit closer and grow a bit closer. Kneading takes time and effort, but in the end it’s worth it. All good things, like parenting, marriage, love, courage, they take time and effort and deep roots and big faith, but they are worth it. 
I’m going to close with a prayer that I found from a few years ago in my devotional. It made me smile and filled my eyes with mom tears but it speaks such truth for then and for now. Yes, Lord and amen! No matter what today brings help me to thank you. Thank you for life and for living it abundantly. Thank you for high fives that are smaller than mine. Thank you for doctors and diagnosis and odds beaten before they are even given. Thank you for all and everything....may this be my heart this day and everyday. Thank you Lord for the plan, the process and the purpose.