At the end of a hard day...

Today was such a hard day. There were many more lows than highs. As I write this, everyone is asleep and I feel almost too tired to rest. The struggles started at drop off at school and really didn't end until I laid beside my Garrett, rubbing his head, praying for rest and naming simple thanks of gratitude to God. I was grateful for the smell of fresh washed boys, for daddy sleeping, for tomorrows. I was just trying to get through those last moments and as tired tears rolled down my cheeks I was reminded of a moment last week that I will be grateful for for a long time.

 Last week we went to Panera and had lunch. The boys had the day off from school and Panera had a special cookie in honor of Autism Awareness so I felt like I was multitasking, a mommy date and supporting a great cause. The cookies had blue puzzle pieces on them and I explained to the boys what they were for. Carter said something that took me back for a second. He said that the cookies had a puzzle piece because Garrett is like a puzzle missing a piece. That thought hurt my heart a bit. We have tried to educate the boys on autism and what it is and what it means but even that is not enough. Carter's innocent statement reminded me that so often we see people with special needs and we feel they are missing something or not quite enough. I took the opportunity to remind the boys that Garrett is not missing anything. He is perfect and loved and complete. I told them that at times Garrett feels like a complicated puzzle with a lot of pieces and difficult edges but he is missing nothing. Later the topic came up again and one of the boys said that they wished autism would become extinct. I let that thought settle inside me a little and surprised myself by being thankful for all of Garrett, even his autism. I wouldn't want to imagine a day without him just the way he is. His quirkiness, his full range of emotions, his belly laugh, if he wasn't autistic he wouldn't be him. I don't know when God caused my heart to rejoice in the hardness of life but I am so grateful for it. Anytime we can be grateful for that which is difficult we know that is a God thing.

Even on the bad days, even on the down swing, I will give thanks. Today wasn't great and there are no guarantees for tomorrow to be better but I will keep working this puzzle called life.  Complicated or not, it is mine and I really wouldn't want it different. I am grateful for conversations over cookies, for gentle reminders for all of us, for hope. I will be thankful in ALL circumstances and I am especially thankful that with God there really are no missing pieces.