Have you ever had one of those moments where some word, phrase, scripture, saying, thought, -something pops into your head and you are certain it is from God? You can't say how you know it but it is just settled in your spirit that God is getting your attention in that moment. Likely there wasn't flashing lightning or thunder or great heavenly lights shining, just you hearing Him. I had a couple of those moments recently. One was in the car on our way for a weekend of skiing. We were driving along through some of God's most beautiful country and I was praying and reading and feeling peacefully blessed when plain as day I heard God say to my heart, "Parker is 9". My first thought was in agreement. "Yes, Lord, he is 9 and I am glad we both remember his age today"! Then I dug deeper and wondered why God was reminding me of this. Quickly my thoughts turned to those of fear. As I began contemplating his age and how he is growing up fast, I felt my heart constrict and my mom- grip tighten on my boys. I started thinking back to when I was 9 and before long I was trying to calm my racing heart. You see, when I was 9 was when my eyes and heart were first opened to sin and the hurt that it can cause. Certain circumstances that year in my life changed me forever. I was still a sweet, innocent, blond-haired, blue-eyed smiley child on the outside, but on the inside my innocence was marred. In my panic, I looked to Ryan with tears in my eyes and told him my concerns. I explained to him that Parker was 9 and when he questioned the significance of that, I went on to tell him that my first memory of hurt as a child happened when I was 9. Parker is 9 and Carter will be there all too soon. How were we going to protect our growing boys? How could we stop time? What was our plan and, lastly, why did God want me to struggle with this?
I found no peace for a couple of days despite the fact that I was covering my concerns in prayer until Sunday morning. I was worshipping at church when yet another "word" was spoken to my heart. A line from one of the songs stopped me in my tracks. It was "do not delay". Something about that phrase silenced my song and sank deep into my spirit. I couldn't say exactly why but I know those words were meant for me. Over the next few days God showed me how Parker being 9 and not delaying were exactly what this mama needed to hear.
It took a week of pondering and praying and living life before it all came together. Over the following week a couple of things happened. First, I took a step of faith in service and ministry. It was one that a part of me resisted to take. I had lots of good reasons to say no; like busyness, or bad timing, or fear but, "do not delay". I sensed that God wanted me to say yes, so I followed through and said yes. The next was a career opportunity. Not even to the interview stage yet, but I was ready to walk away, because I am not great with change and wasn't sure if we were ready as a family. Not a sure thing, but a step, possibly an open door. Both took shedding my fear and anxieties and saying, "if you want, Lord" and not delaying.
Then I was sick and it all tied together. We had snow days and sleds needed ridden but I couldn't do it. My body was fevered and tired and done. So I bundled up my boys and sent them out without me. The 9 year old was actually sick too and was stuck inside with mommy but the other two, not known for getting along always, headed out to enjoy the cold. As I watched from the window, occasionally cracking it open to yell at the dog or remind them to watch for cars, I saw my boys growing up. I saw Carter volunteering to carry Garrett's sled up the hill. I heard encouraging words and laughing. Garrett loved going fast and Carter seemed to embrace helping him do just that. Carter was nurturing but not overbearing like usual and they played for hours without injury or issue. That was when I found my peace, reflecting on that. Yes, Parker is 9. He may know sin more clearly as he grows. All of my boys are breaking free from my cocoon and they will feel the joy and the conflict associated with that experience. They will feel pain. They will fail. They will survive. I can't delay what God wants me to do as a person and I can't delay what He wants me to do as a mom. I have to let them grow and go and to be whoever He wants them to be. I can't say no just because of my fear or my own past. Obedience and trust are not just relegated to our ministry or our careers. We have to trust and obey with our babies too. We can't delay their growing. The upswing is that I also don't have to delay my loving them either. I can do that as much as I am able. Eventually, like all good sled-riding adventures, there was a crash. I will admit that I was almost relieved to shove my feet into my boots and drag my weary body out there to hold and hug away the hurt like only a mom can.
Looking back, I am abundantly grateful for being 9. It was a year that changed my life in good and bad ways. I am also glad that my God didn't delay. He kept going and growing me into today. He still doesn't delay in making me more of who He wants me to be. Parker is 9, next he will be 10. Carter will catch up with his brother in too short of a time. Garrett will graduate kindergarten. They won't always want me to sing our song at night and, eventually, they will outgrow my lap. They will know good, and they will know evil, and they may hurt from time to time, but ,God will heal and help. Just like my parents have always been there for me, whether I was 9 or 30, I will be there for my boys as long as God allows. I can't stop them before they get to those double-digits or before they lose their first friend. We can't delay it. We just have to have faith that keeps growing right alongside us. This week reminded me that even though I may not be a little 9 year old girl anymore, I still have a gracious Father in heaven who will gladly hold me until my tears dry and fears subside. He will not delay in His love and neither will I.
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