Was it enough?

This question has been on my mind lately. Was it enough?  Am I enough? Am I a good enough mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter? Did I spend enough time with the people that matter? Did I teach my boys enough kindness? Did I show them enough kindness? Did I discipline enough? Did I love enough?  Am I respecting my husband enough and loving him enough? Was I sufficient in being what God wanted me to be? Or am I failing in someway? And finally, how will I know?

When I sent my two oldest off to school with well wishes, full backpacks, and new shoes, I found myself wondering if they were making new friends. If they were good friends? I hope they know the difference between right and wrong and that they always choose right. I am hoping they are confident and yet humble, sweet and yet strong. How would they fare in that big crazy world? Did I prepare them enough? Would they be ok?

When I sent my G-man out into the unknown universe of kindergarten I had the same fears and more. Seven hours without me, would he be ok? Would he feel overwhelmed? Would he act out or remember to hold his hands tight and count backwards? Would he be kind and would others be kind to him? Would he laugh or be laughed at? We work so hard for every milestone but, really, was it enough? Was I enough? And, still, how will I know?

I have a friend who I meet with regularly to share life with. We have laughed and cried and grown together and she knows me well. The other day she asked me an important counter-question to these crazy worries of mine. I was sharing about a parenting study that I am doing and how challenging it is and, also, about a book on marriage that I was reading and she asked me if anything was ever "good enough" for me. I am a perfectionist down deep and she saw where the root of the struggle was. It was the standard, the one I couldn't clearly define and yet I strived after like it would somehow save me. I went home from our conversation humbled and took my sorry self to the throne room. I have spent the last week or so asking God to show me how to stop the cycle and where to find my peace. This morning He reminded of  a great verse from Proverbs that has long been a favorite of mine. Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." I am not in charge. In truth, I will never be enough and that is ok because He is more than enough. He made me and knew me long before I was even born and He loves me anyway, just the way I am. He knows and loves my boys in a way that even I can't comprehend. I have also realized that this is a lesson that my boys need to see me live and love them with as well. I want them to know that they are always enough for me. That I will always love and cherish them, no matter what. I decided that it is all about how I define "enough". If it is defined by my boys behavior than I will fail because they will fail. They will not always be kind. They will not always choose right. Garrett will throw fits and forget his joy.  If I define "enough" by the kind of wife I am then on at the days when the laundry stays in the basket(s) and dinner is not restaurant worthy, I have failed. If I define "enough" by the type of friend, sister, or daughter that I am then when I neglect a phone call or a prayer request, I have failed. That is reality but, rest assured, God is always enough and is always ready to graciously help us on our way through life. Sometimes I need to learn to let go and let it be. Ok, most of the time I need to do this. God is in control, I just have to trust Him to steer. He knows the directions because He mapped out the course and so there is no risk of getting lost or failing. He is the standard and He is the measurer and I can graciously lean against Him and be "enough".  My "enough" is only and always found in Him. The definition of "enough has to be the only one who knows all and loves us anyway.

I often find that when God is teaching me a lesson, He sees fit to show me his Truth in the lives of my boys. This time it was with Garrett's hair. Garrett struggles with a lot of things that the rest of us take for granted, one of those things is haircuts. When he needs a haircut, Ryan and I both want to run and hide. It takes hours to give a basic, haphazard buzzcut. There are tears from all of us, bribing, disciplining, you name it. It is a painful family event. It tends to take us a week or so before we gather the strength and courage needed for such a traumatic experience and this past week or so was no different. We finally opted for something new and I trimmed around Garrett's ears and neck while he was asleep one night. Obviously, this was not a professional or perfect cut and for the next few days I felt like everyone who saw my boy had to notice his unique hairdo. Then I got a message from another friend of mine. Her little brother is in G's class and she wanted to share with me that her brother had been a bit obsessed with Garrett's hair. She said that he couldn't get over how nice his "swoop" was. He wanted his like it and he wanted her to check it out because it was so awesome. Isn't that just God's way? My not "enough", what I saw as failure or imperfect, was downright admirable to a 5-year old. It's all depends on the standard.

I am not enough and, actually, I never will be, but I have a Father who calls me to lean hard into Him so that He can show me the way. He doesn't need me to do anything perfect. He doesn't expect me to. He doesn't want me to be in charge and call the right shots or map out the course. That is His job. What great news! I can just enjoy the view on this crazy trip called life. He is the standard, but He measures in grace, and there is always enough of that to go around.


*As a side note, my lovely sister, who is a professional, fixed Garrett's haircut and we all love his "swoop" now.