What if I'd Known...

God woke me up the other night. I say it was Him because I know it was Him. I woke in the middle of the night with a question burning in my heart and my mind. It begged to be answered and refused to go away. The question that He was asking me was, "What if you had known?" I tried to shrug it off but sleep wouldn't return until I asked and honestly answered for myself. Would I do it different, would I change anything, if I'd known? I sat up and let it roll around inside me. I searched my heart and by brain and I let my tears fall as I was made certain of my reply. I asked myself about it all and dug for the truthful answer...

What if I'd known that that first date would turn into a lifetime? What if I'd known about the good, the bad, and the ugly? The easy laughs and often unspoken words? His fear of needles? What if I'd known about all the shirts and dress pants I'd have to iron, which I hate doing? What if I'd known that he would rise before most of the neighborhood and take with him my chance of ever sleeping in again? What if I'd known about his fear of heights and his love of research? What if I'd known that promising through sickness and health wasn't a guarantee of health? What if I'd known about the things that make me tick like the hair in the sink and six string instrument that would become like an extremity to him? What if I'd known that his t-shirt collection would only continue to grow and that he would expect me to match his socks? What if I'd known that he would never pick a romance over an action film or volunteer to read our devotional at night? What if I'd known that he hates sleeping on the couch while I love it? What if I'd known how much smarter than me he really was? How much my babies would admire him? What if I'd known that I would come to depend on him like air? What if I'd known that he would never understand the female brain or like jeggings and other fashion trends? What if I'd known about his cheesy midday texts and how much more he likes the dog than the rest of us do? What if I'd known that he would encourage me and challenge me and love me and annoy me all at the same time? Would I still promise until the day I die and give my very self to him?

What if I'd known that there would only be sons? What if I'd known that the moment that first little boy opened his eyes he would steal a part of my heart? What if I'd known that those boys would just keep coming and keep taking a part of me with them? What if I'd known that they would get louder as they got older? What if I'd known that they would love toots and dirt? What if I'd known that they would never tire before exhausting me? What if I'd known that bedtime books and prayers would replace any television show and that I wouldn't even miss it? What if I'd known that the stinky boy smell would permeate my car, my home, every part of my life? What if I'd known that I would fear for them more than I ever did for myself and that I would pray for them with every breath some days? What if I'd known about the jumping, the running? What if I'd known about the sock obsession and all the underpant varieties? What if I'd known about the ever present ring of dirt in my precious bathtub? And the dog? That dog really could be the swaying factor! What if I'd known that there would be days when I would want nothing more than ten minutes boy-free, but those same days they would need me even more? What if I'd known that one of them never makes it to the toilet when he is sick and that the other wants his back scratched when I have just sat down? What if I'd known that you would want to have important life conversations while I am in the middle of making dinner? What if I'd known about the autism and the therapies and the struggles and the triumphs? What if I'd known how they would change me and grow me beyond what I could imagine? Would I change any of it, if I'd known?

As I rolled over and buried my tear stained cheeks in my pillow and prayed through it all, all I could say was "no".  No, I wouldn't change a thing, even if I'd known. I would do it all again, every painful and beautiful and hard and wonderful moment again. This life is mine and I would never want to change it. I'm not sure how much time passed but eventually my tears subsided and I felt God's peace leading me back to sleep and I knew that He had woken me so that I would know and He would know, and that would help us both through wherever He took me. The next morning as I lay in bed listening to my love shower and snuggling with one of my littles, I was overcome with the awesomeness of the midnight awakening and how much joy and strength it gave me. As I climbed out of bed and prepared to make my husband's breakfast and pack his lunch, I looked at him and I told him, "you know, even if I'd known it all, I wouldn't change it." He looked at me and words passed in his look without him speaking a thing and I knew that he needed to know it too. Sometimes, when we want to think we want things different, it's good to realize that we probably really want to be right where we are. Even if I'd known......I really wouldn't change a thing.