IEPs and me

IEPs….I think it stands for individualized education plan. I cried in the van after our first one. Several minutes of straight up sobbing sitting outside my friend’s house who was watching my babies, my perfect boys, at least to me. I remember another one where the special Ed teacher afterward wrote me the sweetest note reminding that God doesn’t see my child as needy or autistic, He planned and purposed him and sees a beloved child. I cried after that too! I’ve had IEPs and meetings and evaluations since G was 2. That’s when I knew in my mama heart that he was different. I was scared and nervous, a little devastated, and so naive and uneducated. Today I got the draft for our next IEP. We’ve been at this school long enough that G is known and accepted and the notes on the form reflected that. There are still the test results and some below where he should be and some above grade level Mixed in the midst of all that academic stuff, there are the also the best little nuggets about how he wants to move to DC when he gets old enough to run for President, how he complains but can be redirected and do hard things, about how he’s excited about Spanish but not sure if he’ll make it a favorite. That’s what made me tear up this time, reading the truth and recognizing that God never makes mistakes and G is proof of that. 

Isaiah 61:3 says, “To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing, instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory”.  As a parent of a special needs child, there is also a bit of mourning that takes place. It's mourning the expected and so-called normal path, the known. There is  fear and anxiousness over the unknown and unexpected. I have experienced some level of these emotions for each of my boys. I felt fear, anxiety, sadness. I’ve been disappointed in them, in myself, in the world we live in. I’ve cried all the tears, but I’ve also felt so much gratefulness. I can truly say that God has turned my tears into joy. In the case of G, it’s in recognizing that G is that “great oak planted for the Lord's glory”. He challenges and strengthens himself and all of us with the struggles he overcomes. He encourages us with his innocent genuineness and child-like faith in life. He draws me closer to God and shows me God's great goodness just by being who he is and just the way God made him to be. With my other two boys and parenting in general, I've felt the a deep inadequacy that causes me to lean into my Savior. Watching them quickly outgrow me in size and intellect and, sometimes,  faith. It's hard as a mama to let go when we don't know where life will take our babies. I've worried and wondered and hurt and rejoiced, always returning to the One in whom our confident hope lies, the One who can be trusted because he knows how the story ends.

It’s taken some time, some changes in my heart and my mind, but I can confidently say that IEPs don’t cause me to mourn. Today I feel the joyous blessing instead. Blessed to be my boys’ mama. Blessed to trust in the God who planned and purposed each of them. I still recognize and struggle against the unknowns and futures of all my boys but their roots are deep and God's strength is theirs, and mine.